Depressing Shit - Blog Posts
The fact that something could go wrong, and I'd have committed su!c!de already, scares me shitless. I have no fucking idea how I managed to not commit with constant su!c!dal thoughts, but I've managed.
Why can't I just give up and stop visiting doctors and let myself rot until it's too late? I feel like I'm already starting to decompose, just leave me alone, so I can rot
When people are saying that I'm sick, I don't really want to admit it. I don't feel like I'm suffering enough, like, c'mon... Isn't the word sick means just something more hard to bear? I'm literally doing nothing, but laying in bed and complaining about how hard my illness is, while I still can walk and do some things... Jeez, how tired I'm of these physical conditions...
HOLY HELL, FINALLY A MONTH WITHOUT SELF-HARM, DEPRESSIVE THOUGHTS, AND URGE TO SU!C!DE, INTERESTING, WILL I GET 2 MONTHS???
People are being "Vent to me if you want!" and then block you when you did so
"Dad issues"
"Mommy issues"
Nah-uh, I'm the issue
Guys, I couldn't kill myself, please forgive me for causing distress and worrying y'all:(
Also sorry for people who expected/wanted me to kms, I just couldn't... I'm really sorry, hope I could do it soon
I wanna comm!t su!c!de on my birthday. I'll be free. I'll get rid of the pain. And when I do it, everyone will be happy.
I'm sorry mom for being a bad daughter. I'm sorry for the bad grades, but now... You don't need to worry about them<3
19.03.2024.
TW: Bl00d!!
Don't report, just block if you're sensitive towards sh and bl00d. Hope you're okay, because usually these kinds of posts are watching people who are struggling with sh.
Help your child before it's too late.
(The bl00d looks so faky tbh. Probably because my phone is making everything brighter:/)
My birthday will be in 2 days, yet I still have suicidal thoughts, and desire to cut myself:/
Never expected to stay clean(?) for 14 days... Well, how to say clean.... If I can't cut, I'll beat, bite, and burn myself, just because it gives me more pleasure. And I bit myself so hard that there are bruises left after that
I'm so sad about the fact that my knife can't cut me deep because it starts to hurt so much... I wish it didn't hurt, so I could cut myself to fat!!!
I'm already looking forward to cut myself and just the thought of cutting makes me all flustered!!
I wish, one day on maths lesson I could stand up, and stab myself!!!
I'm f#cked up.
I'm tired, I'm tired of everything. All my hobbies became a daily routine, and I don't feel anything towards them. My friends started to avoid me after my vents, and I completely understand this. I'm tired of school, and I haven't got any straight to just get up or change clothes after school. All I think about is s3lf-h@rm and how much I want to commit su!c!de. I feel like my life is trying to force me to do it. I feel like it'll happen. And I know that I will commit su!c!de.
I was about to jump off the window right now, but remembered that I'm living on the 3rd floor, so even if I jump, I'll survive. But this window is almost telling me to commit su!c!de!!
I tried to k!ll myself by cvtting my veins, but the saddest thing is that the knife didn't reach them.
TW/CW: SU!C!DE
Can't describe how much I want to commit su!c!de. Just the thought of my body laying in the snow, which soaked with my bl00d, while my phone recording me and thousands of people could see how I struggled makes my desire only bigger. Looks like I'll end up jumping off the roof... Anyways who cares...
TW: CW: SU!C!DE PLAN.
Okay, okay... I think I've suffered enough, so... This is how I wanna end my life.
Firstly, I've decided that I wanna jump off the roof, because this seems the best way to do it. I already found a high-rise building, so I just need to come in, and when I wait for people to open the door for me, I'll start a livestream. Before I jump, I'll cvt myself, and I'll cvt so much that I'll be a piece of meat. After that I'll jump off the roof, hoping that someone will remember me. I'll also wear my favorite clothes, because if die I'd prefer to die only in it.
I love the fact that with this thing I could cut myself at school and nobody will care!!♡♡
♡♡♡
I feel like all my friends are tired from me, and praying for me committing suicide
Maybe, my weight is a dream for someone, but I think that I'm fat. I weigh only 46, but I still think that I'm fat. I want to lose 6 kg, and I don't really care that these workouts are exhausting. I wanna be skinny, and I'll do it, and I don't care if it's unhealthy. I want to eat only 500 calories a day, or at least 800, because 1000 is too much. I wanna do 5 workouts today and I already did two. I want to be skinny – I will be skinny.
I have no idea what's happening with me. I don't know why but I started to want to lose some weight, and be skinner, even though my weight is 46 kg with a height of 160 cm. And I'll try to do it, I wanna weigh 43 kg or 40... I also will try to do exercises and eat not too much... I hate my body.
It's funny to hear these "you matter" and other shit of this type from people, when you're literally a useless piece of muscles and organs, and can't go and commit su!c!de because it's too painful.
I hate being in the manic phase, because depression always will come when it ends. It's like waiting for a disaster, you know that it'll happen, but you can do nothing about it.
Okay, I got used to relapse after few days of school, but.... WHY THE F#CK I RELAPSED ON HOLIDAYS? I can't describe how much I wanna cut my arms in a bl!!dy mess, I can't describe how much I wanna make deep cuts, but... I'm still afraid of my self-h!!rm being discovered... Especially if it'll see my teachers, neurologist, parents, etc... I just don't get this feeling when I cut my legs:(. Also I'm self-h!!rm!ng about 7 months, lol
I'm alive. But a part of me, doesn't want to be
I don't wanna get help anymore.
I have no idea why, but everyone became so supportive out of blue... Literally, my parents started talking about that I need a psychologist, and that they'll bring me to them. My classmates let me vent out, and gave me support, but the problem is... I don't want help anymore. I already made my decision. But the worst thing is.... I relapsed. But, sometimes I think, what's happening with me? Why I feel like this and etc. But I just started to think that's just a phase, hormones or something... Even though I have it for 3 years, Lol
I talked with my parents about that I wanna die, but they started to judge me. Today I understood that nobody needs me, and I'm not need to stay here in this world. I want to commit suicide, and I will commit suicide, maybe on my funerals they will understand that I wasn't okay?:)