Depressing Shit - Blog Posts

The Moonlight, the stars, the willow outside the window.. stuffed lamb on the floor

Deep inside this memory filled dream

Locked behind this door

Holding my secrets

My cries, my screams

Childhood dreams

Memories of ruby drenched sheets

The only ones

Who have seen the unseen

S. S.

God, the anatomy and the background are horrible-, but I saw a deleted scene from Hereditary and I kept thinking about it until it occurred to me to draw this, it's not simple but it's not hyper-detailed either (⁠＠⁠_⁠＠⁠;⁠)

«El odio contra la vida, contra todo lo que es libre, pasa y mana; la universal efusión del instinto de muerte —la depresión, la culpabilidad utilizada como medio de contagio, el beso del vampiro: ¿no tienes vergüenza de ser feliz? toma ejemplo de mí, no te soltaré hasta que también digas "es culpa mía" ¡ay! innoble contagio de los depresivos»

Detéstoles deprimentes 💝

TW: mental health, dissatisfaction, and more. Lil vent thing

I kinda miss being depressed. Not depressed as in I’m diagnosed. But I kinda miss the most recent time I was able to feel

I know it’s weird. Back then I wished to be like this. To be unable to feel. I wanted it so bad. Wanted it to take the pain away. And when it happened I was okay with it. After all how could I be happy. I haven’t been able to be happy for years now. But now that’s not even sad because I can’t feel that either

Even if tears start to from. Even if my face is drenched in them. I still feel nothing. It’s still empty. It’s a hollow show of emotion. A emotion that isn’t even there

I can’t be sad about this. And I can’t be happy about this

At first I was fine with it. Saw it as a good thing. I was happy to get rid of my emotions, and be able to live my life without constant stress, sadness, and dread

I’m not mad I’m like this. Not upset. I can’t be. But I’m kind of growing tired of it. I’ve been unable to feel anything for around 4 years now. It was nice at first. As nice as it can be when you’re like this. But now I kind of want to go back

Not forever. Just for a few months. Kind of like a refresher. So I can remember what it felt like. What my thoughts were. What I acted like. It would be good for me. Realistically I need to heal, and starting to feel again is apart of that process. And it’s gonna be a painful one. I don’t think I’ll feel happy for a while when I start to feel again

But that’s not what I’m referring to. I want my wish to come true. To feel absolute despair for a few months. Maybe 3, or four. Not too long. I want to feel awful. I want to be connected to that part of me. I want to remember exactly what it felt like. Rather than being so disconnected

What’s weird though is that if I went back I’d likely long for this again. No matter what we always long for the other situation. But for me I haven’t longed for happiness. I haven’t even considered it as an option

Probably says a lot about me

It’s a little hard to stay focused on this, and to come up with the words. And to write it at the same time. And to remember my thoughts before I started writing. I hate thinking of ideas so perfectly then forgetting them before I can write them

So many beautiful thoughts faded away

I also wish I didn’t have random incorrect spelling lines all over this post even when they are meant to be gone. There is one above a word right now. There’s not even anything there. And it’s from the previos post I think. I could close this, and it probably would reset, but I don’t care to. I kinda hate the replacement lines which is what these actually are I guess, but who cares

Back on topic

Now it’s gonna be hard to start thinking about it again

This is gonna be so long and these useless bits aren’t helping. Oh well

Now back for real. Not that anyone’s reading this anyway. Hi

It kinda sucks being disconnected. At first it was nice. I didn’t feel awful, and got to keep all the good. Like the memories, getting ‘happy’ from music, and other things occasionally, and having opinions

Now though it’s kinda got harder. I do have opinions of course, but they feel harder to grasp. They probably always were since this started, but still

It’s harder to know if I like a song when I try to listen to new stuff. It’s so rare for it to actually make me physically feel something. I don’t feel anything mentally so I have to rely on guesswork, physical feelings, and any shows of emotion my body decides to do. Like smiling, laughing, quickened heartbeat, and crying. I think I’m pretty good at being able to guess what I’d be feeling in the exact moment I’m in. Right now I’d either feel nothing, or be crying for talking about my feelings. Then I’d also hate myself for crying, and being weak. And if probably be degrading myself because I think I deserve it

Sorry that’s a big paragraph

Is mental self harm a thing? I’m not talking about occasionally saying something bad about yourself in your head. Which isn’t healthy either, but not the topic. I’m talking about the thoughts you get at night when you’re all alone with them

Pointing out everything you hate about yourself until you cry. Telling yourself why things would be better off for everyone if you died. How they’d have more time, resources, and money if you were never born. And you just constantly waste then

Anyway

I want to at least feel physically happy again. I want to feel my heart crushing in a good way, and want to squeal. Stuff has made me feel like that recently but not recently enough. I enjoyed listening to strawberry gashes for at least an hour. And Pretty by Kidneythieves. I loved thinking about a ship I’m Hyperfixating about

But nothing is giving me that anymore. It always sucks when it goes away

I just took a few minutes break from this, and had a pretty good cry, and thought some good thoughts. Don’t know if this helped me at all, but it’s something. I had thoughts. Not feelings though. But I cried, and yeah

Can’t really continue this. I don’t know if I can get back in the track I was on. Goodbye

Now in 3 all-new flavours!! 💩

Having to live a future you didn’t think you’d be alive for is so fucking hard

I became so attached to my depression that I can't imagine my life without it anymore

I think I wanna get better but what if I'm no one under all the mental illness?

If I ever kill myself just know I tried my fucking best and please forgive me

The smoke of despair spares no one. No matter how hard you try to avoid it, no matter how fast you try to run away from it. It seeps in through the smallest of cracks and crevices and shrouds you, blinds you. So much so that you can't see yourself. Can't feel yourself.

Sooner or later, it will dissipate.

But the remnants of the smoke which have infiltrated you will stay behind. It'll stay behind for a long time, and keep on reminding you of how debilitating it feels. But who knows? It might even stay forever.

I had a nightmare last night that the muskrat guest starred in Futurama for a couple of episodes as some random character and it was horrifying, I still remember the dread and depression I felt:(

a million words would not bring you back, i know because i tried, neither would a million tears, i know because I cried.

[4:42 PM]

stars glimmered like ice in a sea of darkness, flickering silver and gold as a comet shot across the sky, illuminating the sky for a moment. the streets were filled with empty cars and parking lots, the last bus departing to brooklyn.

all the pay phones were empty, save the one you were leaning on inside. one by one, all the lights switched off, except the one right above you.

it took you a few seconds to realize you were the only one outside. even pigeons, who flew by or stuck around on power lines, didn’t even come tonight. you rummage in your pocket, looking for any spare coins you still had left.

lucky for you, fifty cents was all you needed. you insert the coins into the machine, pressing several buttons till you pressed a red button. it rung for a few seconds until…

“hello?” you hear a voice on the other side, “who is this?”

“it’s me.”

there was a long pause, and you feel like you’ve made a mistake. you didn’t even think he would answer, but you were glad he did. you heard light breathing and you were sure he was in bed, under the covers.

“why are you calling me?”

“i just wanted to know if you’re doing fine.” you respond, “it’s been quite a while since we’ve talked.”

silence. if you dropped a pin outside, you could hear it from the pay phone.

“i hope you’ve made it to harvard, i know you’ve been working so hard to study there. harvard really is a great place.”

“yeah, i did. i have to go now.”

“wait, please!” you choked back on your sobs, “just..hear me out! please!”

“y/n, you’ve crumbled what was left of our relationship. i know you want to mend this relationship, but you can’t. it may have been possible a few months ago, but not now.”

“please, give me a chance.” you whispered, tears cascading down your rosy cheekbones. “i promise you, we can do whatever you want. whatever you need to fix this, i’ll do it. just please come back.”

“i’m so sorry, y/n, but i can’t, not like this. we can still be friends, but we can’t have the same relationship as before. goodbye.”

“no.” you choked. this couldn’t be the end. it can’t be the end. you felt shock and chill in your bones as goosebumps appeared on your skin and hot tears flooding down your bloodshot eyes. your body was shaking as you felt your limbs growing weak.

you couldn’t accept that he was gone. that he was never coming back. you missed his hazel brown eyes and his honey skin and the way he’d call for you at 4 AM. because he was like that. because you broke something that can’t be fixed. your eyes are droopy and you can’t take it anymore.

you end up falling asleep in the pay phone, your hair all over your face. before you know it, the sun rises across the horizon, painting the sky a lovely golden hue, like a renaissance painting.

you hear a quiet ding from your phone. you thought s/o would have deleted your number, so you ended up deleting his two days ago. you never expected he’d reply.

but it wasn’t the reply you wanted. you were his past to a brighter future. you’re stuck living in your past while s/o makes his own future. he thinks of you, and wished you the best of luck.

this is s/o, i just want you to know that i’m deleting your number. i know it’s sudden, but until we can be friends, i’d rather restart as strangers than try to fix something that’s already broken.

“I get goosebumps when I’m sad. I don’t know why, but when you left that day, I’ve had goosebumps ever since.”

I'm tired of being an option.

literally me 😭 everytime it gets bad i feel alone then i isolate which makes me feel even more alone

The guilt after getting ill is consuming me away. I wish, I was able to change or heal.

And still, I'm curious how an appointment which I used to go to every week a few months ago, turned into something I'm afraid of. Making me have flashbacks over and over when I just hear the word "neurologist. Made me have a whole panic attack just because I need to go to a doctor. No, please, I don't want to be treated anymore... Can't you just avoid me? Don't remember about my disease? Make me live a normal life?

The doctors had been neglecting me for more than a year, and the day after yesterday I casually had tremors, though I needed to stand up. It wasn't too hard, though I walked like a soldier, cuz my legs were too stiff. And yesterday and today, I noticed a glue-like feeling in my joints, as if some liquid was there, plus it's SO FUCKING PAINFUL to bend it... It starts to hurt, burn and the glue feeling gets worse.... I don't know what to do... Looks like I ended up damaged due to the malpractice of doctors!

I'm so tired of feeling nothing. I'm not sad nor happy. It's just... Emptiness?

I wish I was hated in all my social media, so I could cut myself, not thinking about that someone is caring for me.

I wish I could vent to someone... Or at least be hugged. I can't I'm turning into a whimpering mess, all covered in snot, tears, saliva and feeling nauseous. I hate myself

I want to commit suicide.

WHY CAN'T I FUCKING CUT MYSELF?? WHY CAN'T I SLICE MY SKIN AGAIN LIKE I USED TO?! I'M GETTING FUCKING TIRED OF THESE DISABILITIES, SEIZURES AND OTHER SHIT. I JUST WANNA BE HEALTHY OR ALLOWED TO MUTILATE MY BODY. I WANT TO HAVE THE CONTROL I LOST.

you seem cool :3 doing ok ?

Thanks!:33 To be honest I'm something in between relapsing and feeling apathetic, haha... I guess I'll just wait a bit until I feel better instead of cutting

Fuck recovery. I wanna cut.

I want to kill myself because of being disabled. I'm a fucking mess right now. I feel grief, frustration and hopelessness. I wish I could cut myself again.

I'm so fucked up with these diseases thing. Everyone is taking in my disability first instead of my personality. Everyone wants only to discuss my disease instead of my new hobby. Maybe I'm really just a code in ICD... Ehh... Why can't I throw away my feelings and just accept the fact of me being a living movement disorder.

WAR IS OVER