Depression - Blog Posts

Don't kill yourself, please.

If you’re suffering from depression and are looking for a sign to not go through with ending your life, this is it. This is the sign. We care.

If you see this on your dash, reblog it. You could save a life.

I really needed this. Today my grandma took my sketchbook and ridiculed every drawing in it. I don’t think i’ve ever felt so humiliated and worthless. but maybe it’s still worth something. Maybe It can still make people smile. So, if anyone wants to see some really crappy art? Just let me know...

bro i heard youre drawing.... can you post it online...bro... i want to see it no NO bro dont hide it. bro youll always be improving this is no reason to hold back from showing your work to the public NOW and gain a following........ bro..........pls

Musings About Being Addicted To Sadness

TW: depression, addiction, suicide

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Addiction runs in my family. Alcohol is the big one but drugs and food are as well. I managed to dodge the alcoholism because I could never get the taste for it. Unfortunately, I find myself addicted to sadness. To misery. I crave it. I intentionally do things to make myself sad or wallow in my feelings when sad things happen. I shop for misery on the internet and I savor it in my mind until I'm nothing but a heap on my bed silently weeping into the night until I just fall asleep.

I feel a relief from sadness akin to the feeling of a painkiller finally kicking in. It's just a wash of peace. I feel at home in it. And that scares me. Part of me is screaming to do something. Dance. Sing. Talk. Run around. Do something -- Anything -- to make it stop so I don't barrel toward something dangerous. But god, I am addicted.

It pulls me in and holds onto me and feels like a warm blanket. The way it blocks me from joy and from life feels like protection. It feels like it's encouraging me to just sleep. Rest. All I ever need is rest. Even if my eyes are tired and dry from crying every few hours. Even if my belly aches from hunger from refusing food. Even if my heart burns from the lack of water. Even if I'm dying. I don't care. Why would I? Dying is the the ultimate form of peace, right? The long silence. The sleep that doesn't end. How could that not be enticing? When you're dead, there's no need for hunger. No need for water. No need for tears. You just rest. You don't have to face yourself or the morbid world ever again. Why wouldn't I want it?

Eventually I always feel better. I look back on the way I wallowed and I feel silly for it. I've felt real, true pain before but I didn't feel it just now so why did it consume me just the same? Then it rears its ugly head again, "You're so stupid for feeling sad over nothing. You have nothing to be sad about and you're throwing a pity party. You're pathetic. The only reason you should feel sad is because you're a whiny insignificant girl who constantly cries wolf on her own brain."

It tries to suck me back in. Usually it succeeds. Sometimes it doesn't. On those good days where it doesn't, I realize it's too late. I've already wasted the day away. I've already cursed myself with a nausea that food can't fix. I've exhausted myself to the point where I'll never sleep that night. I've alienated a loved one who only wanted to help. And all I can do is apologize and hope I haven't finally pushed them to the point of not caring anymore. I can't blame them for not caring. You can only care so much about someone who isn't helping themselves.

I try so hard to improve. I go to the therapist. I take the meds. I read the self help books. I do the worksheets. I meditate or exercise when I have the energy but the progress is so slow that that blanket will slide back over me to tell me to rest. It's too much energy. I'll never get better. And I either have to let it comfort me in its own twisted, life-draining way, or I have to use the last of my energy to shove it off. I wish I could burn the blanket. I wish I could rip it to shreds. I wish I could throw it in the dirt and bury it.

But I can't. I need it.

And I hate it so very much that I do.

Dementors

"Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope and happiness out of the air around them....get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory, will be sucked out of you...you'll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life.’

It is with our introduction to Dementors that we really feel inside JK Rowling, even for those who dealt with depression, the aspect of it being temporary and out of ones control made the connection difficult--but is becoming more accepted overtime. While some stories show us new worlds, and other stories draw connections from different worlds to our own, others open our eyes to living a better life and all the different ways stories and books and conversations, sometimes we read to find ourselves as we look for ourselves in others. This is one of the best examples, of how JK connected us and brought us forward within ourselves as those right next to us. Her ability to openly and honestly portray pain, loneliness and loss are some of the most crucial elements that people needed to feel connected with in order to survive.

"You do care" said Dumbledore "You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it"--and we did, we have survived

a bit dark, and straying from my usual content, but i want to remind everyone that you have much more impact than you think.

you affect people.

people notice you.

people miss you.

people WILL miss you.

not everyone will naturally show you how much you matter to them, but most people do care. and if you doubt that, just ask. please, ask. know that people love you and care about you. learn it. write it down over and over. internalise it.

i know you’ve heard this so many times it becomes hollow but i promise. it’s the people you don’t expect. it’s the girl who you always see at the crossing while you walk to school. it’s the cat you pet every time you see it. it’s the teacher who you have an ongoing pun battle with. it’s the person you’re not quite friends with, but you did a group project once and you talk every now and then. it’s the little kids who you helped in the schoolyard. it’s everybody whose life you’ve touched in some little way.

you affect the world a lot more than you think. people will miss you if you go.

[please feel free to rb, screenshot, repost, etc, this post.]

Draco Malfoy and Sirius Black

First, I know she has come to the understanding that people are more crushing on Tom Felton than Draco Malfoy, but I cannot understand why JK Rowling is so unnerved by it. Yes, Draco Malfoy is a shitty person, but it’s so typical that it really is quite a gift. Be glad we’re wasting our ‘fall for the bad guy’ on a literary character over an actual guy who smokes cigarettes in 2018.

There are a few core things we could learn about from Draco Malfoy in Harry Potter. Two of the main ones being how people change, and that the world isn’t black and white. But the biggest understanding I think can be gained is comparing his life and struggles with Sirius Black. Whether Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor first and then got a deeper understanding of how his beliefs and morals were different from the majority of his family or if he knew he had these beliefs before starting school, Sirius’ showed us the result fighting for what is right and against your family when your family doesn’t have the same moral standing you do. In comparison to when Percy either let himself be blinded or was just obsessed with power, his family continued to try and connect with him and love him, while Sirius’ family disowned him.

Both Draco and Sirius at points were bullies, but there is a huge difference between being a bully and being evil. When it came down to it, neither was evil, and at times I’m sure both were scared in trying to do what was right under extreme pressure and thru their stories we got to see both sides. While Sirius’ story focused on the results of his fight he was abandoned, depressed and obsessed with fighting against the Voldemort and the beliefs of those who abandoned him. During the struggle we see Draco, who once demanded and forced to do the wrong thing, couldn’t handle it as it wasn’t him. As Dumbledore remarked he cowardly tried to kill Dumbledore and even when push came to shove and his life depended on it, still couldn’t. He was frozen and like Sirius he overtime became depressed and alienated himself from all around him.  It’s tricky, but I don’t know if Draco would ever had been able to choose either side by himself, he seemed unable to go against his family and what was a burden on him to protect them; only ending up morally okay when his mother realized how the battle would end.

Thru their parallel struggles we see what happens when you are able to go against your family and when you cannot. While Draco was able to live a fuller life and Sirius had a truly supportive family in his friends, both suffered and arguments for both can be made for against when we remember these characters were children at the time of this crossroad. It’s hard, it’s heartbreaking, and there are so many people in the world who while they should be themselves and are accepted by others, we need to be reminded that since your family is supposed to love you unconditionally—you can turn yourself into a Horcrux with the pain and fear of what may happen if they don’t and be more open-minded with those struggles.

Directions to Depression

First rule,

Always turn left

Because nothing turns out right

Second,

Look at the sky

Then look at your feet

When you decide to cross the road

In attempt to get away from what is left

Don’t bother looking both ways

Walk down misery lane

And try to find yourself

Not in any pain

Keep your head down

Follow the yellow lines

And when you get to the stop lights

Take another left

Onto the streets

Of regret

Pick any of the streets and follow it

To the dead end

And never come back.

Clumsy Ballerina

I'm a clumsy ballerina

Dancing from sorrow to morrow

Trying to take a twirl with happiness

But never quite succeeding

Prince charming asks if he can have this dance

I say yes, but honestly, I just want to chasse and get away

I’d much rather be exploring this castle

Instead of being stuck at this boring ball

Switching from person to person, trying and trying is tiring

As a misfit, I am tremendously tired of these triplets

Hanging heavy in the air

Making it hard to fly

I’m out of breathe

Can I just plie and stop with this ballet?

To take a rest

I do an arabesque

I do not recognize this music

But my heart is pounding out the beat to this mad song that plays on and on

I'm off time

And out of grace

I'm dipping and tripping all over the place as if I were drunk

I'm stepping on peoples toes because I don’t know how this dance goes

Too dizzy

To know that I’m in a tizzy

With my tap shoes, I'm trying to tap out

How could I question my depression

When I know that it is the most graceful and charming

While I am inept when it comes to this dance

My Stupid Castle

And it looks like

This could be the end

Of this perfect palace

This new life

Was so sweet

With beginners luck

The fairy godmother magic

Could only hold out for so long

A kite flying

Then getting pulled back down

By the person who is flying it

At least

I didn’t get stuck

In a tree

My stupid castle

Was not built by a genius

It was built

By this peasant

Who was not destined to be a ruler

I now see myself once again

As not worthy

And I was silly to think I was

Depression

Is trying to kiss me

And sneak into my system

Through my chapped, chewed, cracked lips

I thought that we weren’t dating anymore, just friends

I can only keep

My dreams alive for so long

Before I become too worn down to maintain them

Being whipped

By disappointment

I can feel

Failure

Making its poisonous way back into my blood

I don’t know how to

Make myself clean again,

By sterilizing my depression

With

Hope

Bang Bang

My heart is made of gold

And it's oh so heavy it hurts

With every bang, bang Today

My broken is showing I don't think

I was supposed to be here It's like this isn't my life

I belong in a different one My life is at an advanced placement level

While my brain is at special education level

I'm too sensitive

And too weak They were right

About me after all Bang, Bang

I Am Slipping

I am slipping

Out of reach

And it’s freeing

But depression

Is slipping

Through the cracks

In my voice

My non binary

Voice of being

Gaily befuddled

I found myself

Laying on the floor

Staring at the ceiling

And that’s how I have conference meetings with depression

I want to

Be okay

With the present

But hold on a moment

I need to take

A call

A conference one

I want to feel real

Again

And I don’t know the next time I will  

I want to take a tired walk

To the kitchen

And smash a few

Plates

And fall

Into

A ghost’s arms

I cant always be my own hero

Super girl is only so good

I just might have to call up gut girl

Because she can at least stomach me at my worst

I feel behind in life

And its so hard

To not compare myself to others

Because maybe my life

Isn’t a highway

Like other people’s lives are

I’d much prefer to enjoy the view and stare at natural beauty

I don’t get

The constant rush

That society puts on us

Maybe that’s why I like to lay on the floor

And stare blankly at the ceiling

But then my thoughts start rolling like thunder

And the cycling begins…

Anxious Anxiety

I want anxiety to be anxious of me

I will hold my ground without being an earthquake myself

I will stand still and strong; there will be no such thing as a shaking knee

When the time comes I will weigh so much you will not move me with anything

Beating the ill out of illnesses; it will be the one in need of an amputee

I want depression to be happy for me

Everything should watch out for me because here I come

I might look cute but that’s just my disguise

“I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” I hum

There’s strong and then there’s Taylor strong

I am the cherry bomb

No longer will I fall into your guilt trap

Not everyone is there for you and sometimes you are alone

But I don’t need anyone when I have myself; if you think otherwise you’re thinking crap!

I’m writing this cheese for my future self to not cut

You like tigers so don’t be a donkey without a tail

Don’t forget that you’re hungry for success

Don’t forget that it is good to fail

I think you learn more and go farther in life,

When you are done fixing the hole in dear Henry’s pail

I am a train chugging on broken tracks and I love it

With my emo black boots it feels like I can go anywhere in the world

It keeps me interested in where I am going to go and where I’ll find that I fit

I can’t stay curled

I cannot stay still and sit

I’ve been aiming for more productivity in my daily life, so made a lovely Rune Factory themed daily planner! Feel free to print it out 7x and try it for yourself! I got the sprites from here!

「これでキミは満足出来るの？」

drew a Len from this damn sick bop 

guys if you havent heard the series go listen go go go its old but good

i was feeling sad about school so i made these stickers instead

mettaton loves you and wants you to do well 

if you’re ever having a bad day, just listen to my dad’s laugh.

Witchcraft for when depression hits 🥀

Sometimes, we may think that our magick is invalid, or that our deities don’t want to work with us anymore when we have depression. Altars get dusty, the air gets stale, and maybe you have quit working with magick all together, but still identify as a practicing witch.

Depression is an illness. If a professional runner fractured a leg, how could they continue to run while going through recovery?  Can a witch continue to do mental work if their mental health is suffering? Think about it: witches are constantly using their brain to get themselves in a highly spiritual and magickal state. You cannot expect yourself to want to work with magick if getting out of bed is difficult on its own.

Understand that your deities are forgiving and understanding beings. Your magick will not dwindle. In fact, when you are sick, your deities and spirit guides will protect you and make sure nothing bad happens to you while you are sick. Don’t feel guilty for your depression. Depression is an illness, not a lack of dedication or general carelessness. I am going to give you advice on what kinds of spiritual work you can do while in a depressive episode.

Candle magick 🕯

🔮 Light a candle of your choice that symbolizes whatever you want to manifest (i.e yellow = confidence)

Aromatherapy 🧼

🔮 Different essential oils promote all different kinds of things. Lemon is uplifting and happy, while lavender is calming and promotes sleep.

Healing crystals 💎

🔮 All you need to do is set the intention. You can keep crystals by your bed, or you can set them up in a specific way for a spell or intention.

Chanting 🗣

🔮 You don’t need to get up for this one! You can even chant in your head.

Sleep meditation 💤

🔮 Sleep meditations are wonderful because of all of the insight you can get from intense dreaming. YouTube has great sleep meditation music.

Guided meditation 🧘🏻‍♂️ 🌀 🧘🏼‍♀️

🔮 This can be done in the bed as well. There are meditations on akashic records, spirit guides, past lives, you name it.

Be safe and know that it is okay to feel depressed sometimes. Make sure to get professional help if possible to help if these depressive episodes are chronic or prolonged. Know that the world loves you. Your deities love you. I love you. We love you.

when you're just chilling and then suddenly you have a thought that you can't get out of your head no matter how hard you try

and then you can't go to sleep because you keep thinking about it, even though you don't want to, and then you think "I hate my brain" and then you realize that your brain is what lets you think that and then you realize it's just a cycle. fun.

Everybody keeps on talking, and I'm going insane

I feel like my teeth are rotting, and so is my brain

This school is full of some mind fuckery, chaotic online debauchery

My stomach knotted, brain rotted. I'm on the floor, a sniveling little mess

But there's no time to wallow, cause I've got work tomorrow. Will I go? It's anyone's guess

Sometimes, I worry that my mental health will never get better, not because I'm incapable of improving, but because being not okay has become a part of my identity. I've spent so much of my life being anxious and depressed that I'm scared of learning who I am outside of that; Even though I know my life would be far more fulfilling as I continue to get better.

I keep buying things just to feel something, but now my wallet is starting to feel emptier than I do :(

I think I've started coping for my coping

I thought I was better, but now I'm moping

Maybe it was all just hopeless hoping

When I feel I wanna die, I have a lil cry, cut and dye my hair, say I'm all set

I keep pretending I'm all better, but I'll always be a fretter, stability is something I'll never quite get

I feel so unstable, don't think I'll ever be able to function like the rest.

everyday is repetitive, everyone's so damn competitive, and I'm overwhelmed by stress.

I wish I was clean and pretty, small and skinny, and maybe, just maybe, I will be someday.

if I'm only a good in concept, and I'm just another reject, why can't it be in the manic pixie way?

Life's like a test, it's not easy. But it's as if everyone got the answer key, and I was left to guess.

I feel hollow, and all I do is wallow, when did my life become such a mess?

I was just wondering if I took better care of myself if I'd be less depressed, then remembered I don't take care of myself because I'm depressed

Hurting yourself will not fix it. There are so many people who love you and could tell you why. Even if there weren't, there would be God because God is love. Stay strong. Be brave. It will get better, I promise. Cling to the Lord: take heart, for He has overcome the world. Happy New Year and love from HelixRose.

Se acabó

Cuándo nadie vio, lloré por tu ausencia y pedí por tu presencia.

Cuándo nadie vio, deseé volver al pasado y estar a tu lado.

Cuándo nadie vio, un pedazo de mí mundo murió.

Zorangelis VB ♡

To everyone who WANTS to work out and be more active, but can’t make it out of bed bc or depression or burnout etc. YOU DONT HAVE TO GET OUT OF BED.

Here’s a list of exercises I’ve found I can do in my bed. Please be aware that as long as you are happy with yourself, that great. I just made this list for myself when it’s hard to get out of bed, but I still WANT to get some exercise in. This list is not meant to shame anyone or tell people that they have to work out or say any “no excuses” bullshit. This is really just for fun and for when you’re feeling up for it. Love you guys and take care of yourself ❤️

Note: I do not have experience with chronic pain or issues with mobility, so if you are in bed for those reasons, this list may not be for you, but if you feel up to giving them a try, great!

- leg raises

- planks

- Russian twists

- supermans

- side planks

- knee push ups or push ups

- flutter kicks

- shoulder tap planks

- bicycles

- hollow body hold

- modified tricep dips (where you get in a crab-walk stance and dip your arms up and down)

Anyway, love you guys. Have fun and take care of yourself.

This Fall Break

My mom wants me to engage in some self-care while I have a break from college. ....Imma probably just drink instead.