I am letting go
It feels like I’m burning alive and being frozen at the same time
Withdrawal
Sadness sitting in my bones
Memories flooding my brain
But I need to let go
No one should ever be able to hurt me like that and still get my love
Not anymore
I need to move on
Even though I can only think about the good times we had
and it is breaking me in ways I can’t seem to explain
I need to let you go
Because all you did to me
Would be enough to break ten peoples hearts
And still
You managed to do all that to a single one
My one
My still deeply in love one
Maybe we will meet again in another life and our souls will have learned enough to finally make it work
But for now
Please let me let you go
~ honestlywhatfor ~
Lilac skies
Fading into snow sprinkled mountains
Soft winds
Making their way up the valley
The smell after rain
Blessing my lungs as I slowly breathe
In the middle of nowhere
As if I were the only person on this planet
And as I am standing here
Admiring the world we live in
Finding beauty in every single piece of nature
Surrounded by countless little wonders
All I can think about
Is you
~ honestlywhatfor ~
I don’t know what it is about you
That makes you sabotage it every single time
Ripping craters into earth
Opening gates to what might be called hell
Standing on the edge, balanced
Grabbing my hand
Jumping
Clamped together
I never wanted to fall
Life on the edge was great
But again and again
You need us to hurt
So here we are
Falling
and falling
and falling
and falling
~ honestlywhatfor ~
We love each other
neither one of us wants to admit it, but
in the weirdest way possible
we love each other
~ honestlywhatfor ~
One minute in your arms can make me forget all my doubts.
A power I never wanted you to have.
~ honestlywhatfor ~
Trust is a fragile piece of paper
And you seem to have a hole puncher in your back pocket at all times
A lighter at hand as well
Punching, ripping, burning my once whole paper
Leaving me with a sad little snippet
A little crumpled up, even after a lot of smoothing
There’s this pathetic peace of paper I’m holding onto
It’s not much
And it won’t last forever
But I won’t give up
Because I can still read the words
Scrawled in your handwriting
“I love you”
Trust is a fragile piece of paper
And as long as it’s marked by you
My pitiful peace of paper
Will stay with me
At all times
Cried on my way to work today
Screaming empowering songs in the car but not feeling them
Yesterday was one of the harder days
I lost you...again
And no matter how many times we’ve already been through this, the pain never lessened
24 hours, from “Hey we should be spending more time together” to “We should end things here, I can’t do this no more”
World? Crushed
Heart? Broken
Again and again and again
Loving you ruins me
But
I
Just
Can’t
Stop
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
I don’t know how we reached the point that your apartment feels like home
Your bed sheets smell like me
There are shirts specifically chosen for me to put on at night when I’m coming over
Your fridge stores my favorite foods
Your shower gel is the one I once left there
I’m laying in your bed right now,
You’re at work already, your alarm always wakes me up first, but I rarely stay awake until you’re out the door
I feel at home here
You’re my home
But we don’t even consider each other dating
We’re just us
Complicated
But nevertheless addicted
Happiness over relationships,
forever from now on
~ honestlywhatfor
And again
I am surprised
about how much
a person
can feel like home
even though
they once
made coming home
the worst part about your day
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
Seeing you again was
different than I had anticipated it
It was
Alright
For my soul somehow found peace in the pain that you had left me with
Learning and growing in the process of it
Phases
I’m a full moon now
I like your stars around
But I don’t need you to light up my night
I am the moon
In full beauty
Shining through the darkness
By myself
Like it was always meant to be
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
I don’t miss you
I miss the way we were when we were together
I miss being held
I miss being loved
I miss having a “us”
But not us in particular
Because we were wrong in so many ways
So no, I don’t miss you
I just miss having a you
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
Our story could fill a whole trilogy. But I’d never write it down because some things need to be left unsaid. Now gathering dust in the shelves our lives are made of.
I have drafts of poetry in my phone I won’t ever finish
Words I started writing when times were different
I won’t ever get to finish them because everything turned out different than the thoughts of the past anticipated it
Not better, not worse
But different
So I now have drafts of poetry in my phone that I can’t finish
Because out of all the “what ifs”, fate chose the one I was most scared of
And the words that were written in the past are to delicate to be burdened by destiny’s cruel choices of today
I still peak out the window whenever a car stops in front of our house
Hoping it’s you,
Knowing it’s not.
I’m still learning to get over you,
Because life has more in store for me than waiting for your apology.
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
I realized that it got better when I finally found the courage to put my phone on silent over night for the first time
Not waiting for your usual 3am call anymore, like the ones I always got when we were still together
I’ll realize that I’m even better when I’ll get to sleep trough my first night without waking up, checking whether you called or not
I’m still proud of myself
One day, I’ll be able to be even prouder
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
You couldn’t give me the love I deserved
You hurt me really bad without regretting a single one of your moves
But I’ve learned that that’s okay
You broke me and had fun with it
I’ve grown from it, you’re still stuck
I won
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
It’s your birthday
I’ve feared this day for the past month
This night I woke up 8 times, thinking I forgot to tell you happy birthday as the first person on this special day like I always did, followed by a tight hug and a sweet kiss
Just to remember that you wouldn’t even answer the phone now if you’d see my name on the screen
And I’m hurt
Because I do wish you nothing but the happiest birthday ever, but I know I’m no longer part of it and I would ruin your day by saying hi
Happy birthday my love
May this year bring nothing but brightness to you
And maybe you’ll never quite understand what you did to me
And maybe I’ll have to live with that
And maybe...just maybe,
That will be okay
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
Missing you makes me feel weak
You shouldn’t miss someone who broke you
Someone who took advantage of your kindness
Someone who made you feel worthless, still does
Someone who treats you like an option
Someone who does not care if they hurt you
Someone who never thinks twice
Someone like you
But I still do
Learning to be alone again is a process I’m still stuck in
But deep down I know
Missing you is better than being mistreated by you
So fuck missing someone like you
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
Karma will handle it for me
You keep switching between me and her.
Try thinking about others for once.
We’re humans as well and your behavior towards us is nothing but inhumane.
Go fuck yourself.
Silence.
5 weeks of total silence. Nothing but our friends telling me that you don’t want to see me, telling me about how you turned right around, the second you heard I’d come too and went back home.
I felt stupid. Uncomfortable, since you brought me there first and now I’m the one keeping you away from this place that was once ours.
Sad, angry, desperate for explanation. Why are you acting as if I was the one who messed up. I did nothing but show you love. Making you laugh in moments of sadness, sharing moments of true happiness, bringing you comfort after a busy day at work.
And damn did I try hard.
And damn did it hurt to fall back into reality, losing hold on cloud nine. Free fall. Hitting rock bottom.
Broken, but still looking after you from afar. Now watching her settle on the cloud that was ours, her making you smile.
I’m crying down here watching you two fly high, reaching cloud nine. But as long as I can see your smile, I’ll stay on the cold ground.
Ready to catch you, the moment you might fall.
There’s this girl. She just thought of your smile and the way your hand runs through your hair that has gotten way too long again.
And she cuddles up in bed and wishes you would be next to her, snoring, but unintentionally pullin her closer to your chest.
There’s this girl. She remembers every minute you two have spent together and she gets sad whenever you are gone for too long.
And she sits next to her friends who are making fun of her for falling for a guy that isn’t even her type.
There’s this girl. She thinks a lot about her Ex lately, but only because she’s afraid that you might turn out to be the same as him.
And she tells herself that she isn’t in love.
And she keeps repeating that she does not want to be in a relationship with you.
And she is writing about you, hoping it’ll clear her mind.
And she hates remembering every time your friends talk about the girls you’ve had, even since you two have been spending so much time together.
And she keeps telling herself that you two are not in a relationship.
And she acts like she doesn’t care.
And she is trying to look at other guys as well, but somehow it does not work for her the way it seems to do for you.
And she keeps a smile on her face.
And she keeps laughing.
And she keeps coming back to you.
Tere’s this girl. She’s sad, she’s hurting, she’s breaking. But out of habit, she keeps the canvas up.
Don’t keep hurting her. Don’t give her forehead kisses when you’re doing the same to any other girl you’ll meet on the weekends.
Don’t tell her how much she means to you when you’ll go out partying knowing she’ll be home alone waiting for your call that you’ve made it home safe.
Don’t keep hurting her. She does not deserve that. She deserves better. And if you know that there are guys out there that could make her happier than you because they’d make an effort and try, let her go.
Don’t keep that girl for yourself if you’re not planning to think about her smile whenever you need comfort.
There’s this girl. She’s typing this. She’s crying.
She fucked up.
They are so different, yet I‘ve loved them both. One irascible like a wildfire, the other as calm as falling snowflakes. With one I felt like I could conquer the world, nothing would stop us and still I’ve fallen for a man with whom we would build up a peaceful new world ourselves. Arguments or silence, angry tears or sad ones? “I love you”, they both said but were showing it completely different. Soothing and sweet or loud yet effective? Rebellious or settled? Fire or Ice? Ice or Fire? I don’t see it.
They are so different, yet I’ve loved them both. But one I can say: neither of them loved me right.
I hate that it’s always me who starts the conversation, it’s always my part to show interest and then you just follow up later. I hate that I have to text you first every time and only then you’ll remember that you wanted to talk to me. I hate that it seems like everyone knows you better than me. I hate that you don’t remember what we talked about even though we both had the best of our times. I hate that your friends don’t get along with mine. I hate that my parents always ask about you and then I realize there is nothing I can tell them about that really matters. I hate that I can’t stop looking at you. I hate that you cant even smile at me when your friends are around. I hate that we only connect when we’re drunk. I hate that I can almost remember every single word you said to me since we met. I hate that I can’t stop thinking about you. I hate that I dream of you every single night. I hate that you’re the first thing I think of when I open my eyes in the morning. I hate that my heart starts beating faster whenever I think of you. I hate that I can’t stop smiling for a week when you are nice to me for once. I hate that you are nice to me sometimes. I hate that you can’t make up your mind. I hate that I don’t get it. I hate that I recognize your voice through hundreds of people speaking. I hate that my favorite color reminds me of you. I hate that your smell will forever be stuck in my mind. I hate that you drive extra safely whenever I’m on the back of your motor circle. I hate that you hurt me over and over again by flirting with other people. I hate that I can’t live a day without the thought of you. I hate that I get rosy cheeks whenever someone mentions your name. I hate that I can’t control my fingers shaking when I type a message into our chat. I hate the way I feel about you. I hate that I’m in love with you. And I hate that there is no sign that you love me too.