Sad Thoughts - Blog Posts

You are everything. That's why i can't move on. The moon knows our story, the stars have watched us dance, the flowers were inspired by your beauty, the wind wishpers your name, my hand remembers the curves of your face, my ears remember your voice, my bed remembers your figure. That's why i can't move on from you.

I’m conflicted both of these men have my heart… the man in the second picture has broken my heart so many times I’ve lost count. I started to believe I was the issue. In all reality he introduced me to things I knew better than to do but did anyway and because of that everyone I thought I’ve loved over the span of my life time has abandoned me. I’ve lost my relationship with my kids father. I am being dealt what karma has had in store for me for some time now.

In all honesty I deserve to suffer for the wrongs Ive done to the one person who stuck it out with me at every turn, tried to push me to do better and love me almost unconditionally.

The man in the first picture is separated from his old lady baby mama. He wants us to be a polyamorous relationship but his ex isn’t going for that she knows she can’t compete where she doesn’t compare. If he gets to have both she knows she’s see him a lot less than normal. I can’t say I see something long term with him because he’s so stuck on this old lady. He has a very strong attachment to his daughter which I love but after hearing him talk about her so much I’m kinda over it. I feel like when my kids come over they don’t get the same treatment that his daughter does and that’s okay because our relationship is strictly sex atm so my kids shouldn’t even be involved but they are. There are times durning the weekend were I need a break from my house and I’ll go to his with my kiddos. I feel like he finds my kids annoying. Huge red flag for me. He is a good lay though.

From now on... I will add playlists to this website. İf you listen this playlist right now, welcome my friend!

Hypocrisy

One of my friends asked me why I don't just try to heal myself

And I never came up with an answer

But I already had an answer, I just didn't want to sound stupid

I don't do it because I know I'm not done hurting

So I'm not going to fix myself if I'm not done breaking

The only way I can be fixed is if I'm finished breaking until I get broken down again

The only thing is, I don't think I'm going to stop breaking

And if I do it won't be soon

The other thing, if I'm going to break again then why should I rebuild myself?

Why should I take anywhere from days to years to rebuild myself when it only takes a few seconds to be broken again

And the worst part is when one part of you breaks it's almost guaranteed the rest will too

Rebuilding a person can take 10 years, breaking a person can take 10 seconds

Thats the exact reason why people would rather destroy me then help me

Which is why I thank all of my friends for being good people to me even though I'm always the depressed person in our group.

Pain isn't there for you to ignore it

It's there for a reason

There's nothing wrong with letting it win

If it was there for you to overcome it ALL THE TIME it probably wouldn't be there

Pain is just a limit, and you have to accept it

I've accepted it too much, and now I look like this

Don't let it completely overtake you, but let it do its job

I marvel at the mess our life is now. We used to be perfect even when we didn’t have enough, even when we didn’t have anything. We were a family and that’s all that mattered. Now, we have pushed the pictures off the walls, we are breaking down the pillars, walking over shattered glass, bleeding and staining everything we touch. We are drifting apart all while staying together. We wish we weren’t a family, we don’t think we are. It is miserable being tied to people you don’t quite love anymore. We don’t see eye to eye anymore, we can’t talk without raising our voices, we don’t listen to our hearts trying to speak above our voices and everything we once cherished together, is now broken and empty. Our rooms are always kept shut and we reside, locked away from each other, by heart and at home. I tried, so hard. I rearranged the pictures, painted flowers over the cracking walls and pillars. I am holding onto every single one of you despite being pulled in different directions but it’s all shattering now. I wonder, if it is perhaps time, to finally let go...

© Raina Rose.

I think I'll always love him. You can argue, like spring and summer, the seasons are bound to change. But baby no, this will always stay the same.

I think I'll always love him. You can fight this war a million ways, but this is a battle I've chosen over and over to stay.

I think I'll always love him. You'll tire your routine one day, look, he's not even looking your way. That's true, he'll tire of looking this way, that's why my heart says, we won't let him lose his way.

I'll always love him but no he won't stay, that's okay, I've been here on my own anyways...

© Raina Rose.

Life is not being fun to me right now.

I haven't slept well in days, I probably have ADHD, I'm stressed out because I want to buy a telescope but there's so much stuff to it and my parents just take it chill and don't care about the complexities, I miss my friends, I barely get to talk to people, and I'm losing people with each passing year and I never know how to get back in touch with them, my parents argue a lot, the whole family is disorganised and nobody talks to each other, I've got a pimple behind my ear that's annoying me, I'm scared of using Acne Cream because it requires daily use and I don't know if I'm up to that and the side effects concern me, and nothing feels like it matters anymore.

I just wish I could run away and see everyone again. And stay in touch with them. And just be happy with them forever.

A Mirror Too Full and a Plate Too Empty

Hunger gnaws at me from within, piercing my insides and programming my senses. It makes its way from my stomach to my heart, passing through my muscles and leaving my bones cold, but it can't reach my mind. I have walls defending my purpose, with cracks that allow my sanity and health to spill out.

It's impossible to move forward; my steps slow down every day, and my body, despite being thinner, grows heavier every day. The tape tightens ever tighter around my waist, holding my breath in a way it shouldn't, but it's gratifying. My ribs stick out and my wrists are weak, and yet the reflection in the mirror remains the same as before; every insecurity surfaces the moment eyes fall on me, like a phantom pain that haunts my thoughts.

I've noticed looks of pity and expressions of concern, all directed my way. Why aren't they happy to see me now? Could it be that they don't notice how much weight I've lost? Or perhaps they've noticed too much?

They've noticed my hair loss, my dark circles under my eyes, the skin sticking to my bones, my weak steps, or perhaps my lack of appetite.

My throat aches to expel every taunt, every comment, every opinion... But they don't go away: the taunts are replaced by questions and interrogations about my health, the comments, in murmurs around me, and yet every thread in my mind connects in the form of a mirror too full and a plate too empty.

And while the bile rests on the toilet, the scale escapes from its corner and into my hands, a daily routine that leads me to nothing: breakfast, fasting, vomiting, weighing... But what was my goal?

I've forgotten it along the way, right next to my old self. That me who didn't attach more importance to the number of calories I consumed than to my own vitality, that me who didn't feel pure disgust at a simple apple, that me who didn't live in misery...

The scarcity of food comforts my pain and my lament, but at the same time it is the burden that weakens me.

My compassion for myself ended when the pain became pleasurable.

okay! i’m going to school :( wish me luck :(

oh i’m already crying

Its like something inside of me is trying to sabotage my life.

Why can't I sleep.

I just need to sleep.

something I’ve realized recently is that I don’t actually want to hate myself it’s just something that has become involuntary, I hope that one day my mind won’t find it necessary to betray my body

💔 it hurts so much 🥺

i wouldn’t marry me either

"it feels like it only happened to me"

Update I’m scared to finish my book as I don’t want Sherlock to end

You can't possibly love me and treat me like this at the same time.

♱ — dolor — ♱

A/N: Hey guys, I'm back with a new fic, yes I was gone for like 5 months or 3 or smth. This idea was inspired by @sinclairdoll, and his idea, here! I#bringbacktheoldnoir

WARNING: angst, sad, tw!new noir.

PAIRING: Black Noir x reader

WORD COUNTER: 865

Life was never normal after he died, you really didn't get it. Tears filled up your lashline, as you started sniffling to yourself. Your eyes staring at the photo in your hand, I mean you two were supposed to be together forever, that is what he wrote to you. Giving you sticky notes with his cute cartoony character drawn on the bottom.

You tried to hide your smile from him and ultimately failed, as your lips spread into a grin. You loved it when he drew you pictures, especially of those old Vought cartoons, you always collected every single note or picture, displaying and saving them away. But it was never the same, on the fateful day, it wasn't like it was raining, or something bad╼or maybe there was.

You would always share your feelings and opinions with Noir, voice out your deepest secrets or what was bothering you. You would have thought you did the same for him, well you tried. He was always quiet around you, I mean I guessed he couldn't help it with everything that happened to him. You thought you would live your life with him, but I guess faith had other things in mind.

There weren't any cards or a funeral for him. It was all under the wraps, just how Vought liked it. I mean being a Vought employee yourself, you would understand, no?

You saw it yourself, no secondhand point of view to see it with you. You watched with horrified, shock maybe in disbelief, watching him die. You weren't supposed to be there, nobody was supposed to be there. But you saw everything, Homelander just viciously ripping out his intestine, it was a nightmare, you wanted it to end, maybe stop him. If you did you would just be another part of the collateral damage, but you kind of wished you did do something, maybe it wouldn't be so bad if you were able to be with Noir.

When he died, it felt like something you died with him, maybe your morale, your laughter, your hope...gone, it was all gone.

Time passed by you, days turning into weeks, piecing your life together but all grief consumed you whole, you were in a spiral that you didn't want to come out of, a deep depression, that all you could of though of was your past, what you could do to stop him, maybe if you stopped him from leaving you, leaving your apartment, he would have been here with you.

You looked at the ceiling with a blank stare,

But soon or later you were able to leave that dark place you were in, though the pain was still in your heart and panged. You couldn't wish for him back, it was too painful to even think about him without breaking down.

Walking down the halls of the unforsaken building you worked at, you hated, you didn't really know why you were still here. You grumbled to yourself as you walked, fixing the hems on your shirt cuffs until your eyes set themselves on a familiar person.

You were surprised by the revelation.

You wanted to cry, maybe yell, or just jump. You looked in disbelief as the very man you loved walked by you, no hug, no talking, no..nothing. Your heart yearned for anything from him, you were still shocked at how he was still alive.

You watched Black Noir, Earving die in front of your eyes, maybe it was some time of miracle. You felt your throat getting dry, your eyes watering up, and your mind was torn. By the time you knew it, you were already walking toward him, not running toward him.

"Black Noir" You called, you watched as Noir turned towards you. You felt your tears dripping down your cheeks, and you stopped in front of him. "Do I know you?" Your eyebrows furrowed, as you listened to his voice, no way..he talked. I mean he never talked in front of you or around you, maybe he was healed in some way to start talking again,

But your heart panged at the unfamiliar words he used to greet you, "You..talk?" You stammered, "You know whatever, do you remember me, Y/N" You cracked a smile in the joy that it was really happening, tears welling up in your eyes again.

You heard the man you thought was Noir curse under his breath, which confused you a bit, "Sorry, ma'am I don't think I know you" He stammered, you were able to grab his hand before he was able to walk away from you, "Please, just try to remember" You whispered, your voice breaking, you were already a mess, tears escaping you.

He quickly shook his head and took your hands off his arm, before he walked away from you, leaving you a mess on the floor.

It was cruel, a cruel twist of fate, you felt like the ground was ripped out from beneath you, it wasn't fair. You struggled to process everything that led you to this point in life, it was complete utter torment to your mind and your heart.

Your tears dribbled down from your cheek onto the floor, you didn't even process the fact you were crying.

You were alone...

heartbroken,

—and crying on the floor to yourself.

Yet before it all happens, we both jump into the ocean As we're going deeper  under the blue water  his heart still beats in       vivid red  But the depth of the ocean  is a secret nobody can tell              Nobody      including myself.

Pinterest 

i hate how i always feel shit and want someone to talk to abt it but whenever someone asks how i feel i say i’m good 😐

My brother got married. In December. I know we aren’t close but I still wish I would have known before now.

The guilt after getting ill is consuming me away. I wish, I was able to change or heal.

And still, I'm curious how an appointment which I used to go to every week a few months ago, turned into something I'm afraid of. Making me have flashbacks over and over when I just hear the word "neurologist. Made me have a whole panic attack just because I need to go to a doctor. No, please, I don't want to be treated anymore... Can't you just avoid me? Don't remember about my disease? Make me live a normal life?

The doctors had been neglecting me for more than a year, and the day after yesterday I casually had tremors, though I needed to stand up. It wasn't too hard, though I walked like a soldier, cuz my legs were too stiff. And yesterday and today, I noticed a glue-like feeling in my joints, as if some liquid was there, plus it's SO FUCKING PAINFUL to bend it... It starts to hurt, burn and the glue feeling gets worse.... I don't know what to do... Looks like I ended up damaged due to the malpractice of doctors!

I'm so tired of feeling nothing. I'm not sad nor happy. It's just... Emptiness?

It's kinda interesting, how Tumblr randomly stopped recommending my posts. Kinda feel useless without likes, lol

I wish I was hated in all my social media, so I could cut myself, not thinking about that someone is caring for me.

I wish I could vent to someone... Or at least be hugged. I can't I'm turning into a whimpering mess, all covered in snot, tears, saliva and feeling nauseous. I hate myself

I want to commit suicide.