Thought - Blog Posts

The way my life is going... I know if I don't do it now, I'll never die with dignity.

Owen from “Lilytooth”, a work in progress

3:19 AM What’s around me is sleep. What’s within me are thoughts dancing on songs I hate to hear.

3:20 AM now And I’m done with this prose— or to put it right, I’m done with this observation.

Letting go

I am letting go

It feels like I’m burning alive and being frozen at the same time

Withdrawal

Sadness sitting in my bones

Memories flooding my brain

But I need to let go

No one should ever be able to hurt me like that and still get my love

Not anymore

I need to move on

Even though I can only think about the good times we had

and it is breaking me in ways I can’t seem to explain

I need to let you go

Because all you did to me

Would be enough to break ten peoples hearts

And still

You managed to do all that to a single one

My one

My still deeply in love one

Maybe we will meet again in another life and our souls will have learned enough to finally make it work

But for now

Please let me let you go

~ honestlywhatfor ~

Wonders

Lilac skies

Fading into snow sprinkled mountains

Soft winds

Making their way up the valley

The smell after rain

Blessing my lungs as I slowly breathe

In the middle of nowhere

As if I were the only person on this planet

And as I am standing here

Admiring the world we live in

Finding beauty in every single piece of nature

Surrounded by countless little wonders

All I can think about

Is you

~ honestlywhatfor ~

Your love hurts

I don’t know what it is about you

That makes you sabotage it every single time

Ripping craters into earth

Opening gates to what might be called hell

Standing on the edge, balanced

Grabbing my hand

Jumping

Clamped together

I never wanted to fall

Life on the edge was great

But again and again

You need us to hurt

So here we are

Falling

and falling

and falling

and falling

~ honestlywhatfor ~

We love each other

neither one of us wants to admit it, but

in the weirdest way possible

we love each other

~ honestlywhatfor ~

One minute in your arms can make me forget all my doubts.

A power I never wanted you to have.

~ honestlywhatfor ~

Missing my safe space

There’s nothing more heartbreaking

than being surrounded by the people that used to be your safe space

and realizing

that there’s a distance that has never been there before

and knowing

that you were the one

to create it

I’m so sorry for being a wreck

I miss you all

I’m trying

Finding beauty

I love the dark, but still

I’m the happiest when I feel the sun kissing my skin

I love warm weather, but still

there’s nothing compared to sitting on a sledge and rushing down a hill

I love my home, but still

breathing fresh air and hearing the birds chirping is what keeps me alive

I love being happy on my own, but still

I don’t want to go on this journey of happiness alone,

I want to share it with you

Life is full of “but still”s and there’s nothing wrong with that

As long as you can see the beauty in every single one of them

Fragile Pieces

Trust is a fragile piece of paper

And you seem to have a hole puncher in your back pocket at all times

A lighter at hand as well

Punching, ripping, burning my once whole paper

Leaving me with a sad little snippet

A little crumpled up, even after a lot of smoothing

There’s this pathetic peace of paper I’m holding onto

It’s not much

And it won’t last forever

But I won’t give up

Because I can still read the words

Scrawled in your handwriting

“I love you”

Trust is a fragile piece of paper

And as long as it’s marked by you

My pitiful peace of paper

Will stay with me

At all times

I’ll never stop

Cried on my way to work today

Screaming empowering songs in the car but not feeling them

Yesterday was one of the harder days

I lost you...again

And no matter how many times we’ve already been through this, the pain never lessened

24 hours, from “Hey we should be spending more time together” to “We should end things here, I can’t do this no more”

World? Crushed

Heart? Broken

Again and again and again

Loving you ruins me

But

I

Just

Can’t

Stop

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

Addicted

I don’t know how we reached the point that your apartment feels like home

Your bed sheets smell like me

There are shirts specifically chosen for me to put on at night when I’m coming over

Your fridge stores my favorite foods

Your shower gel is the one I once left there

I’m laying in your bed right now,

You’re at work already, your alarm always wakes me up first, but I rarely stay awake until you’re out the door

I feel at home here

You’re my home

But we don’t even consider each other dating

We’re just us

Complicated

But nevertheless addicted

Reorganization

Panic attacks at night

Swollen eyes, crusty lips

Fear of existence

Coating my red face in tears

Shivers shaking my body

I’m a loser

“Come here”

Sudden relaxation

My hand clinging to the pocket on the front of your hoodie

“It’s okay, don’t worry”

Forehead kisses

Careful strokes over my back

Calming my breath

“I’m sorry”

“For what?”

“Dragging you into this mess”

“I don’t mind your mess, I’m here to reorganize”

I radiate light

I am sunshine

So please stop trying to tell me

That I need you

When I surely know

You always dimmed my light

So others wouldn’t see my glory

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

Happiness over relationships,

forever from now on

~ honestlywhatfor

Full Moon

Seeing you again was

different than I had anticipated it

It was

Alright

For my soul somehow found peace in the pain that you had left me with

Learning and growing in the process of it

Phases

I’m a full moon now

I like your stars around

But I don’t need you to light up my night

I am the moon

In full beauty

Shining through the darkness

By myself

Like it was always meant to be

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

I realized that I don’t miss you

I don’t miss you

I miss the way we were when we were together

I miss being held

I miss being loved

I miss having a “us”

But not us in particular

Because we were wrong in so many ways

So no, I don’t miss you

I just miss having a you

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

Our story could fill a whole trilogy. But I’d never write it down because some things need to be left unsaid. Now gathering dust in the shelves our lives are made of.

I have drafts of poetry in my phone I won’t ever finish

Words I started writing when times were different

I won’t ever get to finish them because everything turned out different than the thoughts of the past anticipated it

Not better, not worse

But different

So I now have drafts of poetry in my phone that I can’t finish

Because out of all the “what ifs”, fate chose the one I was most scared of

And the words that were written in the past are to delicate to be burdened by destiny’s cruel choices of today

I still peak out the window whenever a car stops in front of our house

Hoping it’s you,

Knowing it’s not.

I’m still learning to get over you,

Because life has more in store for me than waiting for your apology.

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

I realized that it got better when I finally found the courage to put my phone on silent over night for the first time

Not waiting for your usual 3am call anymore, like the ones I always got when we were still together

I’ll realize that I’m even better when I’ll get to sleep trough my first night without waking up, checking whether you called or not

I’m still proud of myself

One day, I’ll be able to be even prouder

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

You couldn’t give me the love I deserved

You hurt me really bad without regretting a single one of your moves

But I’ve learned that that’s okay

You broke me and had fun with it

I’ve grown from it, you’re still stuck

I won

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

It’s your birthday

I’ve feared this day for the past month

This night I woke up 8 times, thinking I forgot to tell you happy birthday as the first person on this special day like I always did, followed by a tight hug and a sweet kiss

Just to remember that you wouldn’t even answer the phone now if you’d see my name on the screen

And I’m hurt

Because I do wish you nothing but the happiest birthday ever, but I know I’m no longer part of it and I would ruin your day by saying hi

Happy birthday my love

May this year bring nothing but brightness to you

And maybe you’ll never quite understand what you did to me

And maybe I’ll have to live with that

And maybe...just maybe,

That will be okay

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

A process I’m still stuck in

Missing you makes me feel weak

You shouldn’t miss someone who broke you

Someone who took advantage of your kindness

Someone who made you feel worthless, still does

Someone who treats you like an option

Someone who does not care if they hurt you

Someone who never thinks twice

Someone like you

But I still do

Learning to be alone again is a process I’m still stuck in

But deep down I know

Missing you is better than being mistreated by you

So fuck missing someone like you

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

Karma will handle it for me

You keep switching between me and her.

You selfish prick.

Try thinking about others for once.

We’re humans as well and your behavior towards us is nothing but inhumane.

Go fuck yourself.

There are many things that make me sad, but nothing will ever beat the bad ways you treated me.

~ honestlywhatfor

Silence.

5 weeks of total silence. Nothing but our friends telling me that you don’t want to see me, telling me about how you turned right around, the second you heard I’d come too and went back home.

I felt stupid. Uncomfortable, since you brought me there first and now I’m the one keeping you away from this place that was once ours.

Sad, angry, desperate for explanation. Why are you acting as if I was the one who messed up. I did nothing but show you love. Making you laugh in moments of sadness, sharing moments of true happiness, bringing you comfort after a busy day at work.

And damn did I try hard.

And damn did it hurt to fall back into reality, losing hold on cloud nine. Free fall. Hitting rock bottom.

Broken, but still looking after you from afar. Now watching her settle on the cloud that was ours, her making you smile.

I’m crying down here watching you two fly high, reaching cloud nine. But as long as I can see your smile, I’ll stay on the cold ground.

Ready to catch you, the moment you might fall.

About loving you

Yes

I feel stranded

on a lonely island in the middle of nowhere

nothing but the tide

that keeps me alive

day after day

wave after wave

Yes

I feel lost

in space where darkness is everything

stars flying by gifting me wishes

that may never come true

knowing my only wish

will forever be you

Yes

I feel overlooked

in the middle of a field, branches twelve feet high

beetles crawling side by side

fearing getting crushed by them

missing the safety

of your arms around me

Yes

I feel love

wherever I am, no matter the time

it’s stroking my side

there’s no place to hide

it’s my true love for you

I just wish that you knew

Yes

I really do

~honestlywhatfor