I’ve lost access to both my original blogs. I’m using this one to save some of those memories.
95 posts
Latest Posts by maggieruthless-blog - Page 2
nameless
I’ve still been hanging out on the wild side. But I really am about to get a hold of things. I’ve decided I needed to take my life step by step. I realize that what I am doing isn’t exactly right but I’m figuring things out for myself. In my opinion I haven’t had the opportunity to do that. My dad has been blaming himself for the way I’ve been acting. That hurts. I am a human being, and “adult”. I am now responsibile for myself. My parents have been amazing to me. And I can only pray to be like them when I grow up. I need them to understand that. Perhaps there are somethings some people just can’t understand. I feel like I do well in seeing their side of things and understanding why they feel that way, but I still agree to disagree.
So far the plan is to start saving mad money and after my birthday. For a while I will stay in the little appartment in granma’s house. I’ll pay rent too and I’m going to start paying for my phone. One thing I have to accomplish between now and then I’ve got figure out a way for my parents to let me use my car still. If they don’t I won’t be able to move out. They’re starting to ease up on the idea of it, which is good. As far as the rules until then, I’m going to have to keep spending time with them to slowly make them understand my side. My dad did admit last night that he completely realizes how wrong he is in the way he’s been acting. Saying he was going to beat my best friends ass because he happened to be around when I got caught messed up. He was there hanging out with my brother and when my dad came down stairs he was literally pulling anthony out of the bed telling him that they needed to go. What’s strange is two days after the incident my dad said that Rowdy was being somewhat of a good guy trying to leave. Then by the end of the week he freaked out. He says I am not allowed to hang out with him, he’s not allowed to be in my car, and he doesn’t want me speaking to him. Seriously? He knows nothing about him. All he knows is he has some fun on occasion. He said everything else is based on intuition. I understand that but he still deserves a chance. I am determined to get him that chance. Dad knows he doesn’t have a car or a job. Well, his car broke down, therefore he lost his job. Don’t get me wrong, I know his reputation is not the best but now that I’m on the inside I understand more. That doesn’t make it right but I just get it. I would rather have “bad” friends that treat me like a real friend than “good” people who only pretend to be my friend. Amen.
Last week I had a bit of a break down on my way home from school. It’s really changed me. I suddenly realized getting used really was getting to me. Somewhat subconsciencely I suppose. I cried more than I’d like to admit then came to the realization that if what I’ve been doing isn’t working out like I want it, try something new. Of course. I am happy to say I have successfully said no three times to those risky little invites. And I have just not responded twice. That’s good I think.
Lately. He started liking her and that got him to back off me a bit. It’s not like I hated him I just didn’t want to date him. And as for him, I’ve heard he said he liked me, ha. He just acts so idk, half and half. I have noticed changes but not enough for me to believe in him. Friends for now.
Wow, I didn’t mention Brandon once in all that.
ketchup
I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been to busy being a wild child, apparently. I’ve been flying, having a few drinks, and sniffling. I say that as discretely as I can just incase my tumblr begins to get visitors.
I recently discovered I do not need to take more than two shots of vodka. I threw up once after three, and I threw up so many times I can’t count when I took four. I had so much fun but I’m not all that sure it was worth all the getting sick. I had my first drunken video taken of me Saturday. I didn’t even remebmer it. I just heard about it. It was pretty funny. I kept apologizing for getting so wasted, saying I promise I didn’t mean for it to get this far. Then I fell back words, sat back up and said, “let’s get laid!" It was really funny. I didn’t like being so confused and sick in the morning. And I had plans of revenge that night but I got to wasted to carry them out. Luckily I am pretty sure now that I will have another few chances.
I could pay attention in this class but to be honest I really don’t think it would help me. Reading the chapter myself is much more sufficient. This teacher is about 75 years old and admitted that he’s only teaching again to see if he can do it. It’s becominf obvious that his retirement, God bless him,
But come to think of it I do need to study for my next class, bye.
alright, hey
Since my brother and his girlfriend have been using my computer, the internet has gotten significantly slower. That is frustrating, but what can you do. I’ll say something to them, and have dad look at it but apparently, they “need” it. Though I do remember a time or two coming into their room while they were watching a movie on it.
I haven’t been able to write lately. My life seems to be busy with work, school, church, and “friends”. I suppose I could squeeze some writing time in but my room is so uncomfortable to do hardly anything in. I’m in the process of redoing it though so perhaps that should help.
Apparently, the word “suppose” is sexy. In what sentences I wonder? I’m not all that sure. But that’s what he says. He says I have so many odd tendencies. He says even silent I am hyper. He sees the things I struggle with through observation. I’m not all that sure I’ve ever been friends with someone who cared enough to notice these things about me. He hasn’t heard anything about me so his opinion he forms of me will be completely his. Not like where I live. There everyone has an idea in their head about who I am before I meet them. Which is not good because who I am is so much different then what I do. What I do alone makes me sound like I am a completely different person. What I do makes me sound selfish, mean, ruthless, wreckless, slutty, and lord knows what else. But who I am deep down is different to some extent. I care. I hurt. I need. I want. But when it comes down to it, ‘you can sin or spend the whole night alone’. What ends up happening is just the price I have to pay for company. It’s pathetic really but for now that’s what I do. I mean they won’t let me cut, so it’s back to boys. Theres also a huge difference between who I am, who I need to be, and who I pretend to be. During the day, usually, I am persistantly who I need to be. I need to be strong, and take care of everyone. Who I am, is a simple, sad innocent little girl who just wants to be happy. And who I pretend to be is coldhearted, wreckless, and carelss. That makes three differnt me’s. He says that’s too exhausting. He says the way to fix it is to start over fresh. Get everyone who is negatively effecting me out of my life. That’s not very possible right now. I probably should have moved to a further college to get out. I don’t want to leave my parents because I don’t know how long I’ll have them. And all the adults tell me the smartest thing to do is to live at home as long as possible. Sometimes, even if what they’re saying is true, it’s incredibly hard to listen to people be so mean to eachother. The night I decide I’m going to stay in bed happens to be the night brother and his girlfriend fight in the hall by my room. He said she was a bitch and he wanted one of her xanax. She said he’s a junkie and she hates him. He said "yeahh, why don’t you go buy some more pills from your mom? And she said, “why don’t you go snort another pill." Then they went to seperate ends of the house. Minutes later, I heard him crush it and snort it in the kitchen. I try not to listen to them but sometime I feel like I have to just incase something bad happens. Lauren got him a pistol. That scares mom, but he threatened to tell dad mine and her secret if she told dad about the gun. She gets so upset over that. Before work she was texting me over and over telling me about how I never should have told him, and how she’s so upset, how it makes her sick, I told her I would handle it. And I will. I only told him because we were having a brother sister moment and I was trying to get him to consider stopping the way he’s living his life. Obviously it did no good. Just another way I’ve messed things up in my life as well as others. I can fail before I even try.
What do you want from me?
Cracker Barrel is nice. I like jobs that keep you busy, and working with people who aren’t sixteen. I do better in a structured environment.
I think my parents did a fine job raising me. Some say, they were too protective and some say I didn’t get in trouble enough. Oh, whatever. Live and learn.
get out
I don’t like to shake. I don’t know why I always do. Maybe it’s my heart or my asthma. Either way I’d like to fix it.
It’s sad he got kicked out, but it makes me understand why I haven’t heard from him. Mom was sweet offering our couch to him. He’s got a lot going on inside. He tries to hide it, but I see it.
Whyyy don’t you text me?
I didn’t expect you to reply, but it was nice talking to you.
God interviens right at the perfect time, which is good but not very much fun for little wild children.
I still don’t get you. I know that I could get you talking if I really wanted to, but one, I don’t want to do things the way I used to; I like it happenstance, that way, it’s not my fault; and two, if I am too bold, it’s a temptation for him to revert to his insticntive boyish way, which is not what I need right now. So, I’ll let him to the talking. It makes things really slow but it’s me being somewhat careful. So, we’ll see.
I need to stop looking at your pictures. They can be infectious.
I want to, but I don’t feel like explaining myself, and they will see it.
Old friend, maybe I’ll give oneee more try.
I wonder if I’m strong enough to continue these friendships. I don’t believe she’s changed. I think she’d maybe think twice about doing it again but that wouldn’t be enough to stop her. At first, going back was absolutely unthinkable. The thought of it was sickening. Then, I gave it a try. It was still really hard but I bit my lip swallowed my pride and did it. It was easier on everyone. So for a little while, I just tried my very best to forget it ever happened. That worked for about two months. But it’s back again. It gets worse everyday. Sometimes such hatred boils beneath my skin that I never want to see her or anyone that reminds me of her ever again. Which may not sound like a big deal but it is, to me at least. He was wrong as well, but I have to remember he was single and half way convinced we wouldn’t get back together. It was wrong for him to go after a friend of mine, but she threw herself at him. But, how could they? I laid sick in bed for months and they had a hay day faking love because I wasn’t around to give it. After everything I've done for them, after everything we’ve been through. I’m a pretty shady person, but I would never, ever, do that to anyone. This has changed me. It’s made me crazy. My outlook on what’s “okay” and what’s not is twisted. I feel that no matter what I do it will not add up to what they do. Therefore, ruthless wrecklessness is as good as innocence to me. I lie, because it them who took my truth and used it against me. When I’m alone I convince myself that payback will make me feel better. Maybe one day it will but so far that hasn’t worked. And what’s wild is that they still have the nerve to speak to eachother in front of me. God knows what they do when they have a few minutes alone, though I do my best to make sure that never happens. After what they did to me, they are still comfortable speaking? They should be ashamed. They should feel awful for even glancing in eachother direction. Anyway, my point is the way I live life now, I will never be able to escape them. And I’m beginning to wonder how much longer I can stand this. It’s madness. It’s making me mad. And the only solutions would drastically change everything I’ve ever known. I hate you.
Maybe, everything is okay and I’m just thinking too much. Trying to find a problem so that I can runaway again. One of the songs he wrote a while ago said, “you runaway like you’ve got nothing to lose”. I know that his last name makes me lucky to be associated with him in some places and he’s crazy talented but am I better than this? Am I better than the way I’ve been treated by him and his family? Part of me says I deserve less and wants no one. The other part is convince I need something else. Someone else. He doesn’t hear me. He doesn’t take me seriously. He makes fun of the things I love, writing, my music, etc. He thinks I owe him so much, and maybe I do but he’s such a pusher. I’m not stupid. But then theres how cute he is, how smart he is, just the way he is, I love it. We’ve fought so hard for this, why throw it all away? He swears to love me, and I swear the same but I just want to know what’s right, what’s best.
I wish I could move out without offending my parents. I’m beginning to think I need it.
I’m beginning to have trouble breathing again.
Absence makes my heart forget.
Out of sight, out of mind.
I am getting bored though. It’s time to spice things up a bit.
He acts like I have him under some kind of spell. Perhaps, it’s because I let him believe he has one over me. But, he doesn’t have anything on me. I not fourteen anymore. I can stand my own ground. The way he touches my face makes me think he wishes things were different. It’s an on going chase. I let him get close, then sprint ahead. I don’t know why I’ve let it go on this long. I’ll get around to ending it at some point I’m sure.
I want to move out. I don’t like lying to my parents, but I want to do what I want, ya dig? Yeah.
He’s extremely hard to read. For a day or so I was thinking he could be gay. But oh no, he is most definitely not.
Well, I smell like fried rice.
vulgarity for emphasis
I just finished today’s work for my online classes. No I am waiting for slut to get here. I hope she doesn’t ruin my night. I mean she probably won’t but it’s happened before. I can’t be as wreckless tonight as I’d like to be seeing as my babysitter will be sleeping beside me. Ugh, have a little fun loser. Your life is not about making sure I don’t fuck up mine. To be honest, you only make me want to be worse than I already am. Watch your step, bitch.
Today was kind of lonely. I didn’t mind much though. I just slept a lot, which felt nice. My shoulders ache, I’d like to go back to sleep but she’ll get pissy when she’s here if I am. Maybe she’ll let me have a little fun tonight.
I hope no one ever realizes I write here. That will be the death of me. Again. Keep it hush pussy.
This glass house is slowly shattering.
Traffic is so unpredictable. I left at the same time I have been and I got here fourty minutes early.
I stay up late on school nights because I know regardless I won’t get enough sleep so why try when either way I’ll be extra tired.
He confused me last night. I think he saw my hip because everything was going smoothly then all of a sudden he seemed kind of awkward and I saw him look I just don’t know if he actually saw it or not. Either way, in is in. After that there’s no backing out unless you wan me to be crazy and apparently he did. We ended things like I should’ve started them. After that I laid close to his chest, listening to his heart beat pretending to sleep because I could tell he was exhausted. I loved his smell. It’s created a memory in me you know? It seems to be a weird smell to love. I want to know who I am to him but asking him might scare him away.
I was talking to a friend, telling her I’ll be home around noon unless I have a lunch date with my friend. She said, “oh is that how you get all these dates? Get a boyfriend and theyre all ready for action?" I said "yes, exactly .Except your boyfriend has to always want you naked, and he isn’t ashamed to say you owe him that. He has to expect you to stay christian while at the same time, expecting what I mentioned above. His family needs to dislike you to some extent. And you have to be extremely misunderstood. See, it’s easy babe." That’s sad, but mostly true. It’s a hard knock life. I wonder though, if all boys are the same it’s just I haven’t been with any other one long enough for them to show their true colors. I’m ten kinds of in love with him, so none of that matters for now.
Everyday, I think about what they did. And I still can’t wrap my head around how in the hell she let herself do that to me when she claimed to love me so very much. I know I was a bitch but that was when she started treating me like a child. That was when her, him, and me would all hang out together. That was when I saw it coming but hoped to God I was wrong. I tell her everytime we fight about it that the only way I will ever get over it is to get her out of my life. She says that would kill her. Yeah, just like she almost killed me. She asks why I’ve changed. I tell her because the me that she met a year ago died when the heart break started. She believes that I can change back. I know I’ll never be the same. Ever.
To those who have stabbed me in the back in someway or another, go to hell. You took the only part of me people liked and burnt it at the stake.
chances of impulse
Do you think that maybe, just maybe, they really are okay with being just friends? Or maybe they’re just really lonely. Either way I’ll take it over being used. We just watched tv for an hour and a half. Simple. I know he tried to be a good friend. Whereas him, Idk how to read. I can see in his eyes and the way he talks that he’s got some dark secrets behind those eyes. I can see that it’s hard for him to be okay with opening up. But, come on, you can’t just not talk. You can possibly be as apathetic as you pretend to be. and you, you can’t possible care about me the way you say you do. Why me? Why not all the other girls. I hope you all show your colors soon before I go color blind.
I don’t know why but I did it again last night. It was impulsive. It popped into my head and I got up walked to the bath room and did it like it was brushing my teeth. Without flinching or blinking. I ran over the first one a few times then decided it was inadequate and I needed to take advantage of the chance I was taking. So I did it twice more around the same spot. I wasn’t satisfied because the utensil was dull, but it had to do because I had people to see and places to be.
I didn’t lie, I just changed my mind.
This ring I accidently shoplifted from earth bound, well I’ve decided it will be my sanity ring. It says, “wherever you go, there you are”. I thought a lot about what this could mean and I decided that for me it means that the journey is the destination. And as long as I’m wearing it, I’ll remember everything will be okay. And as long as I wear it I’ll know that I’m awake.
stay, good girl.
I hate her so much. Yet, she’s my “best friend”. Best friends do not do what she did to me. Best friends don’t treat eachother like I treat her. But then again, nothing in my life ever goes as planned.
School tomorrow, then work. I like to keep busy. Idle time is the devil’s candyshop. Or something like that.
Brandon, my boyfriend, has been acting different. Well, come to think of it, maybe I’m the only one acting different. Having people constantly remind me that him and I don’t go together makes it hard to remain stable in the relationship. They say he’s controlling and doesn’t respect who I am. What do they know, right?
I cut myself shaving earlier. It felt great.
Let’s hope I can stay in my bed tonight.
I hate lying to those who deserve the truth.
So, instead of lying I try my very hardest to dance around the truth. I do believe tonight was a success though I regret it. No worries though, I regret 75% of the things I do or at least I should.
I live a double life and I am just fine with that. One rule of living a double life though, is that no one can be apart of both lives. Unfortunately that means I have to be a bit lonely at times, but for me it’s worth it. I need to be more strict on the rules of living a double life. That’s for sure.
I don’t know why I’ve always got to have a thorn in my side. Perhaps, I like the adventure of getting it there. I’ve gone back and forth for the past six years of my life. Boys, razors, boys, razors. Everyone hates the way I live my life. Everyone, but me. Maybe I’m lacking in self conscience right now but I’m enjoying myself. I’m wreckless with this life because I don’t want to be living it in the first place I guess.
more on unconsciousness;
I am so fucking pissed.
How could he? How could anyone be okay with that?
I hate you. Everything about you screams scumbag. I wonder how many girls you’ve drugged. And every one at Heritage thinks you’re just the sweetest little male cheerleader with your poor cracked skull. Oh, give me a break. You probably only cracked your skull because you stole my medicine. You are a pathetic excuse of a gentleman. How could any girl in their right mind even use your name and that word in the same sentence. I will figure out someway to make you regret this. I remember the day I asked you what you did that night because I was hurting so much when I woke up next to you. You replied, “Oh, don’t worry about it sweetheart, you’ll be fine.”
I’ve gone from rage, to hysteric tears. I HATE YOU.
death, dying, and unconscious sex;
I leaned over the boiling oil at work yesterday and suddenly I wanted to be submerged in it.
Sometimes people ask me why I get so unhappy. I don’t know. I just know that I do. Even on some the days I take my medicine correctly. Of course it’s not as bad as it normally would be, without the medicine but I still find myself wanting eternal sleep. It’s a shame relieving yourself of this seemingly unpleasant life is a sin. I would rather not go to hell. So, for now, I’ll stay here. It seems praying for death all these years hasn’t worked. I don’t know why I still try. The last time was less than a month ago. Bravo fuck-up!
As a younger girl I used to think about how it seemed to me that a guy couldnt possibly have sex with an unconscious girl and live with himself. Today I have been informed that they are just fine with it. That bastard. He told me he would never do that to me. I swear it didn’t happen. I would remember that. Is he lying? Or did I some how convince myself so well that night that it didn’t happen before sobering up that I have no memory of it? It didn’t happen. It couldn’t have. If so, that makes twice now. Sixteen, and eighteen, who would’ve thought that would happen to me? I am too strong for this shit.
BASTARD.
Please, what’s said on tumblr is never meant to be repeated.
Hi, TSU.
Tennessee State University. Hi. So far, you are friendly but not exactly welcoming. I’m alone but for now it’s okay because I’m not sad today. I don’t live here so to me the campus is huge and every step I take I feel like the campus swallows me a bit more. My guess is, by the end of the week I’ll be okay. I’ll know where my classes are better and know how to get here correctly. I’m having second thoughts about not living on campus. I mean look at me, I’m stuck is this big education portal with nothing to do and nowhere to go for an hour; and after my next class, I’ll be stuck doing nothing for another hour. I wonder if I can still live on campus. Or maybe, rent an appartment on campus or close, like they do at MTSU. I know it will really hurt my parents but, I need to do what I need to do for my education right? Sometimes dad and I talk about what’s important. He says he wishes he spent less time trying to make money for us and more time spending time with us. So am I going to regret living in a dorm, or on my own rather becauyse of the lost time with my family? Or am I going to regret not doing it because it’s so much harder on my for school? I wish I could just stay the night down here two nights a week; Monday night and Tuesday night. Maybe I’ll meet a friend that will let me stay with them some. Like perhaps before exams or something. I feel like I could make friends, but, Idk if anyone here is feeling me or not. It’s freaking hot. Idk what to do. To be real with myself, honestly I’m 99.9% I’ll be staying at home. I suppose the drive is not that bad. Maybe I’m just jealous of the college life everyone else is experiencing. Or maybe, I’m just moody because I have a headache. I hope it’s that one. I’m going to try to redo my room. Maybe that will make me feel like this whole thing is a new experience.
Let's give this one more try.
My last tumblr was abrubtly exposed my a friend of mine’s mother. She’s always in their business. So to avoid any nonsense about things I had written I deleted mine as soon as she started questioning it. My friend and her sister stopped using it. They didn’t see any point in it with their mother checking up on it everyday. I’ve given it a while to cool down and so far I’ve seen no sign of her or them here. So, I signed on to a new tumblr. Hi. Needless to say, I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.
Hi, TSU.
Tennessee State University. Hi. So far, you are friendly but not exactly welcoming. I’m alone but for now it’s okay because I’m not sad today. I don’t live here so to me the campus is huge and every step I take I feel like the campus swallows me a bit more. My guess is, by the end of the week I’ll be okay. I’ll know where my classes are better and know how to get here correctly. I’m having second thoughts about not living on campus. I mean look at me, I’m stuck is this big education portal with nothing to do and nowhere to go for an hour; and after my next class, I’ll be stuck doing nothing for another hour. I wonder if I can still live on campus. Or maybe, rent an appartment on campus or close, like they do at MTSU. I know it will really hurt my parents but, I need to do what I need to do for my education right? Sometimes dad and I talk about what’s important. He says he wishes he spent less time trying to make money for us and more time spending time with us. So am I going to regret living in a dorm, or on my own rather becauyse of the lost time with my family? Or am I going to regret not doing it because it’s so much harder on my for school? I wish I could just stay the night down here two nights a week; Monday night and Tuesday night. Maybe I’ll meet a friend that will let me stay with them some. Like perhaps before exams or something. I feel like I could make friends, but, Idk if anyone here is feeling me or not. It’s freaking hot. Idk what to do. To be real with myself, honestly I’m 99.9% I’ll be staying at home. I suppose the drive is not that bad. Maybe I’m just jealous of the college life everyone else is experiencing. Or maybe, I’m just moody because I have a headache. I hope it’s that one. I’m going to try to redo my room. Maybe that will make me feel like this whole thing is a new experience.
crystal
I’m home right now, first time in three nights. Jenn wanted Jessie and I to stay at Pat’s there with her but I knew it was time to come home. It was nice to be able to talk to my sister. I hate that I have to be afraid here. If I would do what I was told though, there would be no trouble. I just got so sleepy suddenly. I’m starting to make progress. Watching the clock, waiting for your clean hour to come is the worst part. It’s scary having to wonder how bad the night will be when your doing things the way I am. Nodding, goodnight.
connect
Tonight my rich friend Jenn was supposed to do her buy with Big Sam. She said she wasn’t feeling well and the bank wouldn’t let her withdrawal the remaining 700$she needed in order to have the full amount. Jessie notified Sam and he his so pissed. Jess said we might have lost a good connect over this. He is definitely a good person to have on your side but they come and go. I doubt I’ll feel the same way when it the time come that I need something. We rescheduled for tomorrow. That should make us about 175$. I hope she gets me this job. 11.50$ an hour is really good for me. Especially considering it’ll be a normal 9-5 job. I’m meeting Jenn when she gets off work at Pat’s and were going to hang out there until the boys get off work. She’s seven years older than me and calls me her “bestie”. I never quite liked that word. I wonder if she’s sure of my age. I suppose I seem mature to her somehow? I’m not though, just old souled. Dear God, please keep Jessie out of jail. Thank you. I love you, amen. I’ve been speeding about five nights a week at Jessie’s. I’ve really started to get comfortable with the long term idea. I just want to wait until I have a job. I don’t like having to ask Jess for money every time I want something, which is unfortunately often. I just got an idea, love you bye.
You don’t care, you never did. You never did. You never did. I always let myself forget. What a mockery.
dry
I’ve been writing in my journal lately. I find it healthy, however, I find it necessary to also keep my tumblr updated. With that said, my life is one casualty after another. Perhaps that’s an exaggeration. Allow me to explain. I have yet to move back home, just stalling really. I know that when I get moved back in nothing will have changed. I’ll be put in the middle of my parents marriage. I’ll be required to do everything around the house because apparently, my sister is too sensitive to be upset at all. The lady is still in my life. My hands are dry and I want a cigarette.
So, much
There is so much that needs to be mentioned. That is, of course, if anything truly needs to be mentioned on Tumblr. How cynically cliche of me. Addiction is such an ongoing vile, forlorn disease, as they say. Whether I’m sober or not the misery of it all never truly fades. I’ve done some things I never thought I’d consider in my darkest nightmares and the truth is in that moment it seemed like I had no choice but to hold my breath and put one foot in front of the other. That’s all there is worth saying. Jessie, my boyfriend, is the only thing in my life that has given me a glimpse of hope in things to come. I don’t know who or where I would be without him. He’s been staying with me therefor making closing my eyes on these cold nights possible, or so it seems. As miserable as I may sound every step I take with his hand in mine takes me one step closer to creating the life I pray I’ll one day have. Thank you. I love you. After several attempts in contacting me, Brandon has managed to put himself back into my life. He had asked me to come see him for a couple of weeks so finally after talking to Jessie about it I agreed to meeting him. It always starts the same way, too. He brings up the way our relationship ended then proceeds to ask me if I was given the chance again would I give him/us one last go. My response this time explained that even though I’m no happy with who I am or what my life is I couldn’t be happier with the man in my life. I’m sure there are certain things in my life that would have probably turned out in someway more positive or at least tolerable but in the long run I honestly don’t think it would’ve been worth it. He went on to tell me he’s still in love with me and would like to try again if at all possible. He had me download some sort of application that would allow us to talk without his psycho girlfriend from finding out (she checks the phone bill every month and calls any number that is unfamiliar). I didn’t directly answer his question about trying again although I’m not all that sure why. Perhaps, in the hidden places of my heart I was deceived, thinking it could be possible to find some level of happiness in doing so; if only for an instant. I’m pretty sure though I was only thinking all this because of what I always imagined we would be not necessarily because I actually thought I would genuinely be happy or content. My response lingered also because I didn’t have the heart to tell him I wouldn’t be open to the thought of trying it. After all, he was my first love and there will always be a part of me that he has taken that I will never get back; a place in my heart unfortunately reserved for him. In the end I’ve found the man of my wildest dreams. A man that didn’t exist up until a year ago. A man that picked up the shredded pieces Brandon left me with and made something beautiful and capable of a love that can’t be defined. Cliches aside, I’ve found something in Jessie I can no longer live without and I thank my God for that with every breath He blesses me with. I love you, I love you.
not worth the glance,
Seriously, ha. I don’t log on as much as I used to. I just don’t seem to have the time, really. I would like to post an update, for memory’s sake, if nothing else. Some much as changes but so much as stayed the same. I can hardly ever remember what I’ve already posted about so forgive me if this gets repetitive. It’s been about a month since I got out of rehab. It was a terrible experience to say the least. I was only able to stay a week because I don’t have insurance. I didn’t even make it that long though. On day six they sent me to a mental hospital and it was there that Jess, my boyfriend picked me up. I suppose they thought my mental state made me a danger to myself and others? Whatever the reason I was transported two hours back to Nashville and once there I refused to be admitted and had Jess come get me. My parents were gracious enough to allow me to stay at home until I find a job, which has been much harder than I thought it would be. I do have an interview tomorrow, though. I was hoping to get away from the restaurant business but I need a job so I am more than grateful for the opportunity. Jessie got a job today! I am so proud of him. It’s at a granite shop he used to work at making 15$+ an hour. The shop opens in a week or so then we will be back on our feet! I just got off the phone with him, actually. He said he’s especially happy about this job because it’s making enough to where we can get married this calendar year, or at least engaged. That really made me happy. I love when he brings our future up. It shows me that he really wants me in his life. I know he does, but reassurance always feels nice. Right now he’s not allowed at my house and I’m not allowed at his. His mother feels it is unhealthy for us to spend time together. That no longer matters though, because she kicked him out three days ago. They were arguing and he said “it’s shit like this that makes me want to use, mom”, she took that as him saying she is why he used so she immediately told him to leave. I was outside waiting for him and she followed him out the door yelling. So I yelled back, “Stop, we’re leaving!” She then tried to attack me. No, seriously. Jess was holding her back so she started choking him. It was the craziest mother/offspring fight I have ever been around. I thought I had seen some shit with Destiny’s mother but she just overreacted because of the love she had for her daughter. Shona, Jess’ mother, is just fucking insane and frankly, lucky I respect Jess enough not to flip my shit in front of his mother. I swear, I’m getting pissed off just thinking about how that woman treats her children. Needless to say, he’s staying with a buddy of ours until he gets his first check and can rent a place out. I have such wonderful parents. That is one thing I’ve learned through the years with all my friends/girlfriend/boyfriends parents hating me. My parents may not have liked my friends but they never talked ugly about them or disrespected them. I know they love me so much. They kicked me out right before I went to rehab and honestly that probably saved my life. I know it was terribly hard for them to do but they loved me so much they were willing to break their own hearts in a desperate attempt to save mine. After everything I’ve put them through it amazes me how much they still love me, and continue to show me love. If I could have anything in the world, it would be to somehow renew the happiness my parents once knew together. It really upsets me to know how unhappy they are. In fact, I’d rather not talk about it. There is so much I miss from the life I used to live. I miss when hangovers were the worst thing that could happen to me if I got fucked up. When I was getting dope sick every single day, all I could think about was how I wished I was a normal 21 year old out partying, drinking, dancing not fucking shooting dope praying I had a get well shot for the next morning. I miss having money, saving money. I miss going shopping, going out to eat with friends, all that normal shit. I miss Destiny. I miss sleepovers. With that said, now that I’m clean and done with all the dope shit there are things in my life now that I wouldn’t have had if I didn’t fall so far away. Like, the friends I’ve met in meetings, and as ignorant as it sounds, the knowledge/maturity going through all that shit has given me. It forced me to grow up way too quickly. I can’t dwell on that because no matter how upset I get, I will never get that time back. All I can do is look forward to tomorrow and be thankful I wake up feeling somewhat normal, instead of needing a shot to even drive my damn car to get to work, much less actually work. I can’t tell you how good it feels to know that in the morning I can roll out of bed, take a deep breath, and just be me. By no means am I happy, there is still so much work I have to do on myself to restore any kind of mental stability but I can rest assured that at least now I have the chance to do so.
six
I’ve found that although it’s the truth that burns sliding from your tongue to your lips, it is often the only way you can really breathe again. I would rather be told the truth and work past it than be fed lies and spend years building on such a faulty foundation. Often times though, I can feel it in the way they say it that I know something isn’t right but I try not to get confrontational without any sound evidence. And even then sometimes I’m too much of a coward to bring up the lie because the truth is usually hidden for a reason. I know that it’s time that changes. I know that if nothing else the lies aren’t right. I can’t say if anything else is wrong or right in our relationship but I do know lying doesn’t really have many exceptions. I’m really sick of staying up waiting for hin to call, wondering what it is he’s still doing at 1:30 am that he can’t pull away to tell me he loves me and he’s okay. It hurts so much to admit these things to you because that means I have to admit I’ve always known something was wrong. I don’t know how he does it but when he finally does call me anything that comes out of his mouth sounds like music. His excuses suddenly make more sense than my rationality. At least I can say I get off the phone feeling better even if it is just a false sense of emotional security. I met with my sponsor today. She’s so beautiful. She’s from north Ireland and her accent is beautiful. She’s smart too, of course. She’s an alcoholic but enjoyed cocaine in large quantities as well. I do my very best to relate to what she says but alcohol was never really my problem. It might have shown me that I can feel alive with a little help. But sometimes I feel like alcoholics never to go to the great lengths I did to get their drug of choice. However I’ve run out of excuses to keep living so I became willing to do whatever it takes to feel better. My sister graduated tonight. She was really self conscious about it because she’s a student of 2013 but her tassle said 2014. She was grumpy all day. All the attention should have been on her but there are three of us and you can’t put too much pressure on parents for handling things the right way. She will learn that. She will learn, a lot. Hopefully not too much, and not the way I had to learn. I pray she can learn from the mistakes of my brother and I who have done this all before. I feel confident in saying she doesn’t have the addict gene and I can only pray she stays on the right medication and continues to improve. Phases, the halfway house I relapsed in called me tonight. The house manager, Julia, said that some if the girls had been petitioning her about me coming back. She said that she thought about it and she wants me to come back. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I was going to go to Foot Prints. You can still have your phone the first 30 days until 6 and guys can pick you up and drop you off or anything you want really. I had grown to love the women at Phases, though. It’s all a shot storm of catch 22s’. Heaven help me.
puppet
My day has been rather monotonous. My mother informed me that her and my father have decided that I don’t get my car until I have 90 days clean. It sounds like bullshit to me because there are so many reasons as to why having my car in the near future would help my recovery. I could go to my own meetings, get a better job, and have the immediate opportunity to leave a situation if I feel uncomfortable. I hate the way they’re going about this shit. They make me feel like I have no control like a fucking puppet. Instead of letting me get clean because I want to they are doing everything in their power to squeeze me into making the decision they think is best. Like, for example, saying if I don’t go to this certain halfway house they won’t help with rent anymore, or saying I can’t have my car until I have 90 days so that ultimately I have to stay clean if I ever want to move forward in life. Now I know that’s true and I’d stay clean regardless but I want to be in control of that. I want to make the decision for myself and not have them pulling strings until I do it the way they think I should. Now, I know they’re just doing what they think is best and only because they love me. I also know that there is not a damn thing I can do to change the way they’re running my life. That’s why it bothers me, too. One of the perks to getting clean is having control of your life but I don’t get that. It makes me feel so hopeless without the slightest opportunity to think for myself because it doesn’t matter what they think my parents are doing their very best to make sure I only act of their thoughts. I’ve realized that even though I keep gaining sober mail friends, it’s almost always going to end the same way. They start listening to your bullshit and hear you cry but in a few weeks time after they see that they’ve gained your friendship if that’s even what they’re calling it, they’re no longer so concerned with what’s on your mind. I really enjoy talking to Wesley but he’s become rather apathetic to my little issues. It could be because most of the time I call crying it’s over something I’ve already cried to him about before. I can say that it doesn’t matter how many times a friend calls me upset about the same thing I am still there with the same love and patience as I was for the first phone call. However, I can’t expect everyone to feel the same way about how you should treat your friends as I do. And it’s not like he’s just ugh fuck I’ve heard this before he just doesn’t seem to be as interested in making sure I feel better once the conversation is over. My boyfriend (or lack there of) and I had a bit of a better day. I am really hard on him and I always realize that the next day you know that I had acted a fool so I apologize to him. The I wonder why he doesn’t like talking on the phone as much as he used to. I also have to take into account that this is just as hard if not harder for him as it is to me. I’m locked up and can’t see him but he’s out in the world able to do whatever he wants except see me which is what we both want most. It’s easier for me because I know I can’t see him or anyone unless I sneak around but he doesn’t understand that so he gets in his head thinking I just don’t want to try to see him. We also keep missing each other. On the days I can make something work so we can see each other, he can’t. And vice versa, you know because his mother still hates me. And now I find out I won’t have a vehicle for three months which means it will be hard on us for another 3 months rather than one month because that’s what my parents had told me originally I’m sure the thought crosses his mind just like it does mine, are we going to be able to make it through this? But I just remind myself that if it’s meant to be we can make it through anything which I believe we can. I just need to be patient with him. It’s like we’re in a long distance relationship. I’ve just to relax and remember that if I make it through this we will have such a beautiful life that I’ll look back and laugh at these unfortunate events. I love him so much and I can honestly say I’ve never felt this way about any other man and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. We’ve been together for 3 years today. I’m going back to Phases. I called and told her I’d come back if I could keep my phone rather than having it taken again for the first 30 days and she agreed that I can have it until at least 730 so I can handle that for 30 days, I think. And I pray he can too. I know he loves me I just hope it’s enough to carry us through these hard times because it will will be worth it. This post is a mess and scrambled and djeiwbdofoew. Okay, bye.
fuck
The text I was in the process of posting just deleted somehow. If this is any indication of how the rest of my day is going play out, I’m going back to bed. Which is funny because I couldn’t if I wanted to considering every morning I work I’m stranded in Madison until the bus comes. I might as well go to work, at least when I’m there I get paid for being miserable. Heaven help me.
I got to see my baby tonight!! Oh and my boyfriend, Jess, was there too, heh. He’s officially put up with my bullshit for two years, today. Shit has been really rough these past couple months and it’s not going to get any easier for at least another three months but today I am grateful to have him in my life. It’s really comforting to know that although I have to wake up alone for now, I can rest assured that my best friend/lover is rolling over thinking of me too. I love you, baby.