Latest Posts by moonsquaremars - Page 8

did some painting this weekend (me vaping in the bathroom on university campus, abstract)

when neptune and uranus meet, one will betray the other

Astrological Generations ~ Uranus, Neptune & Pluto

~Uranus in Capricorn 1988-1996: the sub-generation capable of finding ways to capitalise on unique talents & create a demand only they can supply.Politically active & conscious. Conservative in progressiveness, likes to keep the wisdom of old in the new; maintains individual identity in identity politics

~Uranus in Aquarius 1995-2003: Desire to turn the world upside down and rattle every existing structure for the one that could be. Politically active & activist - often form friendships with likeminded individuals within these groups who believe in the same causes

~Uranus in Pisces 2003-2010: Blue/green/mermaid hair; low limb tattoos; neon black style. Experimental with belief systems, prefer individual pursuits such as the occult/astrology/tarot. High utopian ideals & compassionate conscience, want to change the world overnight

~Neptune in Aquarius 1998-2012:- Share the core wound of exile/ separation from humanity as a whole; don’t feel ‘normal’, or ‘like everybody else’ despite not knowing how it feels to be anybody else. Friendship/social groups are forms of redemption, often underpinned by a deeper spiritual urge and desperation to belong

~Pluto in Virgo 1957-1972: The generational legacy is the innovation of new practices, techniques & outcomes that transform the profession for decades to come- especially in health/wellness/tech sectors. Virgo/6th house rules domestic pets; this is the generation of every man with a dog

~Pluto in Libra 1972-1984: The generational legacy is the transformation of human relationships; a re-evaluation of ‘commitment’ -with significantly more importance placed on satisfying/intimate/truthful connections, and being able to walk away from compromising people and bad love

~Pluto in Scorpio 1984-1995: The generational legacy is uncovering of hidden, lost, and ancestral knowledge buried in the collective unconsciousness. These are the ones who recite the alphabet of symbols and the alchemic table, the Chemists & Sorceresses mixing old physical & psychic healing potions

~Pluto in Sagittarius 1995-2008: The generational legacy is the composition of new belief systems & castes of connection that provide the meaning, mysteries, & higher purposes that will carry the inner Spirit of humanity through the secular age

-Cherry

Saturn in 9th House

Since my last post got me on the topic of Saturn, I figured it deserved its own post. Personally, I don’t like Saturn all that much in astrology. The symbol is alright ♄ (I was honestly thinking of Jupiter’s at first which is much cooler (･_･;

:readmore:

(ﾟoﾟ;; but I digress. However, the themes of Saturn just do not appeal to me. Responsibility, rigidity… it just makes me think of a stern judge who passes judgment on others without compassionately understanding what they’re going through. I see it as faulty. Rigid, stiff, error prone but powerful enough to reap no consequence. Saturn gives us form, especially our entire earthly life. We get our Saturn return in our late 20s, which I am approaching. So far, I don’t quite understand what people complain about when it comes to Saturn returns, however I’m confident I’ve caught glimpses of it.

There is something to aging that is just uncomfortable and sad. And scary. However, Saturn being in the same sign as when I was born excites me rather than causes dread, cuz then wouldn’t that mean the world and I will be on the same page again?? I mean come on.

Aries. That is the sign with which one of the ring giants resided when I was born one morning in the summer of ninety-six. 9th house is its house. Don’t ask me degrees, cuz im not all into that. I suck at math. But my sun and moon are both at 0° which I find odd… Pluto too…. Anyways.

So my previous post talked about how Saturn in 9th folks like more orthodox and traditional religions, and that rings very true for me. I’ve always felt drawn towards Judaism, was a devout Mormon for a couple years, etc. Another issue of this placement is supposedly existential nihilism, which I’ve also suffered from greatly. I believe it was even enhanced, because my Sun (life, energy) tensely squares my Saturn, which I read can cause a depressive person. Which is also extremely true…

Maybe if I look at what transits were happening when I was 12, because that’s when I first began feeling depressed and suicidal. It was entirely because I was gay, and ashamed and afraid of the point of even living if I was damned to a life of mockery and eternal suffering afterwards. I was deeply depressed all throughout my teenage years because I honestly just grew comfortable with it. Once your brain is so serotonin and dopamine depleted, and you’ve been laying down for hours with absolutely no joy or stimulation whatsoever… you get kinda used to it. I was too scared to admit being depressed to friends and family, so I just dealt with it my own way. I fantasized about suicide often, wrote emo blog posts and journal entries. You know, the works. But I eventually got over it. But I attribute this to sun square Saturn, like Saturn was just draining and zapping the will to live out of me. I finally got over all of this during a church sermon one day, where the preacher of this architecturally lovely church said that perhaps misery is not something we need to run from or avoid, but a ship that must be set sail. And that really spoke to me. Like it gave my depression, my square, meaning and significance, rather than a fluke that needed to be avoided and corrected.

In my post high school life, I struggled to find meaning. I was constantly wondering what the point of everything was, in a way that was more frequent and emotionally taxing than the average guy or gal. Maybe, maybe not. Who knows. But I was unhappy. It’s interesting that Saturn in 9th could be what caused that.

For the Aries part of my Saturn, I have less to say. However, I am quite impulsive. I feel like I act more like my draconic sun and moon, sag and aquarius, than I do my natal cancer/virg at times. I’ve always been pretty rebellious as well, which I kind of interpret Saturn in Aries to represent. I’m not sure.

Aries was actually my least favorite sign for quite some time. I don’t exactly have a least favorite sign anymore, but if I had to choose, maybe Libra :P ahh got eem. No but seriously. It wasn’t until I grew close to my friend / former roommate who is an Aries, and had a romantic fling with an Aries or two, that I got over my Aries complex. It’s just like impulsive and childish and insensitive. But since I am a cancer, cancer and Aries naturally square each other apparently. So my feelings are in fact, understandable. Natural, perhaps….

Anyways. Those are my thoughts for now. Perhaps it’s the Aries in me, but the idea of growing up and becoming responsible just seems so sucky to me lol. But as I’m typing this I’m realizing that’s not necessarily the case. I’m turning 26 next month, so I’m not sure when my exact Saturn return will be. But I’ve felt the pang of Saturn a few times in my life. The existential realization that our actions have consequences. It doesn’t always matter what our intentions were, or that we didn’t know, or that somewhere someone loves us. None of that can save us from the hard fist of the law, or from the temperamental and violent nature of other humans. But I am 26, and I am officially no longer a kid or a teenager. I’m an adult. And I feel like I’ve gotten settled, and I’m just getting a peak of what is to come. And I’m less afraid than I was before :)

Astrology Journaling

/themes

· LDS CHURCH · SATURN 9H · HOMOSEXUALITY · LIBRA · SUN 12H · /

So I am currently dating a Pisces sun, Cancer moon. I myself and a cancer sun virgo moon. I noticed when I first got into astrology, I was sitting at a table with my group of friends at the liberal arts college I attended. I started asking people’s birthdays and birthtimes so I could generate their chart online. This was before almost everyone knew their sun, moon, and rising. Circa 2014/2015. I had just started dabbling in astrology. I got hooked into searching the web late at night for what aspects meant what, how my house placements could influence what decisions I might make for say, my career, or life’s bigger questions like what is the meaning of it all. Astrology sort of became like my therapy, a search that acted as a distraction from my existential nihilism and just truly piqued my interest.

:readmore:

But, I was also LDS (mormon) at the time, and rather devout. Interestingly, I would later read that people with Saturn in 9th house like I have, tend to favor more traditional religions, such as Catholicism, Mormonism, and Judaism. When I read this in a book about Saturn, my jaw dropped! My search for existential meaning budded in my senior year of high school. Although I was raised baptist by a *fanatic in word but complete opposite in practice * father (love u dad lol), I became an atheist, or agnostic actually, at age 12. By this time, I had already realized I was gay, and that shattered my Christian faith. My pride and ego did not want to believe in a deity that (from my perception) made gay. I didn’t actively choose it or anything, so why should I be condemned for it? However, the seeds had already been planted in my brain. I remember at age 7 or so, praying to Jesus over and over and over again to save me, and that if I died that night to go to heaven. I was afraid. I was afraid one prayer wasn’t enough. Perhaps this was the start of my obsessive compulsive behaviors to come.

See, even though /I/ said I didn’t believe in God or whatever anymore, that doesn’t mean that he didn’t still exist. I figured he had to, since there’s so many religions in the world, and one of them had to be right. So, I found online that most religions are homophobic, even the Buddhists and Hindus, so I concluded that homosexuality = wrong. Even though I was undoubtedly attracted to men, I figured something must’ve happened to make me this way. After all, I was attracted to women at one point in my life. I recall stumbling upon my grandfather’s playboy magazines when I was 9, and what followed was excuse after the next to wander down into the basement so I could sneak a peek. TW - sex ||| However, around age 11 when I first started masturbating, something switched and I started focusing on men. I would look at pictures of men in speedos online, the whole shebang. Eventually I stopped looking at women all together and to this day I cannot get aroused by a woman. So what happened ? What gives ? There was nothing traumatic that happened to me. My family was dysfunctional, divorced, working class. Love was just as scarce as the money, so it seemed. Shit felt tense, no other way to say it. But I stopped living with my grandmother as much and started living with my mom more once middle school started, so with all the resentment and rage of an angsty gay 18 year old, curious for answers on life’s bigger truths, while also terrified of going to hell, and at the very beginning of building a life for myself. I delved back into spirituality, because I felt that was more important than anything else really. When it comes down to it, once you’re dead, how much does it really matter what you had on earth? This was my thinking at least.

((I have a 12th house sun and so does my father. So this emphasis on spirituality makes sense to me.))

So I search and search and stumble upon the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And I fell in love. It seemed like every answer I had was being answered by something concrete, their ideas about community and taking care of others completely aligned with my own, and let’s face it, the Mormons do a damn good job marketing themselves to others! That’s what missionary work is all about. Utah has a very big communal culture that Kentucky seriously lacks. Here, it’s practically every man for himself. People don’t go out of their way to be nice here. In Utah, they do. They walk the walk and talk the talk. I respected that, and I wanted to be like that.

Since we’re on the topic of the LDS church, I wanna say the church gives me heavy Libra vibes. Salt Lake City is the plastic surgery capital of the country. Mormon temples are just breathtakingly beautiful. They are so obsessed with looking attractive, having white teeth, etc, because it makes missionaries more effective in obtaining converts, and the church teaches that the righteous prosper. So the more you live in according to the word of Jesus Christ, the wealthier and beautifuler and happier you will be. Just seems very libra to me. Lol. I wonder if the church’s natal sun is in libra? Like whatever sign it was when the church was formed in upstate New York.

I started this post thinking I would talk about my relationships , cuz I’ve had a few and dated two Pisces now. Oh well!

新的句子/词汇

你看起来很情绪化 · You look emo

我是情绪化 · I am emo

咱们AA吧？- Let’s split the bill.

我没头绪 / I have no idea.

我没有选择 / I have no choice.

做错了也没关系 · it’s okay to make mistakes.

最好的尚未来临· the best is yet to come !!

我感激每一天 ·· I’m grateful for every day

我爱真实的自己- I love myself for who I am

· 一息若存，希望不灭 · while there is life, there is hope.

Next post I think I will make a mental health themed list. I don’t know how to add the pīnyīn in an aesthetically pleasing way, so I’ll just recommend using Pleco app or google translate :)

这是赵酷峰

下次再见！

(･･;) ❀ ❋

今晚 ·

当我真正抽出时间学习时。我希望我有更多机会练习中文，还是没有中国朋友或者会说中文的朋友。我常常看youtube的视频，比较有用和容易被动地听。今晚我从 Instagram 上的图片中复制句子。

Which energy is tethered to the earth? Our yin or yang? Our physical bodies I suppose would be Yang, our spirits are yin. I usually refer to yin energies as Qi energy, when I recognize it in someone. But it usually takes shape of a physical being, like an animal or creature. So, does spirit have physical shape? How does one make sense of their spirit entity while embodying physical characteristics of this lifetime?

Y’all are so childish and don’t even see it. It’s sad. This pop psychology movement really needs to evolve into something greater cuz I’m tired of looking at it every day

if you “set a boundary” and someone reacts negatively, the answer isn’t as simple as “they’re not your friend”. Maybe it wasn’t clear what you were doing, maybe they misunderstood. Maybe your boundary is toxic or hurtful.

“but what if my friend gets offended and hates me and refuses to speak to me after i set a boundary” easy peasy! that is not your friend. hope this helps

ma//nia

Uranus in 7th — unstable lover?

Uranus represents chaos, and 7th house is the house of romantic relationships.

I have this placement and come to think of it, I’m always the “unstable” one in my relationships. I’ve also seemed to attract partners who also have moon square mars, like me. Perhaps I do use smartphone apps for dating/hook ups more than the average joe ? But maybe not. The whole world is digital now. I did once volunteer at a homeless shelter with my boyfriend. Uranus is the planet of humanitarianism.

Moon-Pluto aspects - Dating mortal boys when your dad is the Lord of the Underworld

written by cherry

Moon conjunct Pluto, Moon sextile Pluto, Moon square Pluto, Moon trine Pluto, Moon opposite Pluto

People with Moon-Pluto aspects inherit old witchcraft and psychic potions from the ancestors, but she can also be the chosen heirloom to destroy generational curses and transform the bloodline for the future.

There are some cultures that consider the tribe’s music and the song increasing frequency, pitch, drums, volume and chaotic crescendo as the symbol of the incoming finale. It’s going to be the loudest right before it ends. And this is partly why people with Moon-Pluto aspects may feel like they were born in an ending, or at a time when everything appeared to crumbling, toxic, or rotting. One of the parents may have encouraged self-containment or detachment from her authentic emotions, maybe she was rejected or invalidated when she approached an adult with her feelings or fears, maybe she was told that she was ‘too sensitive’, or ‘that’s not the way we do things’. Even though she grows up it can be very hard to grow out of those emotional complexes, like the belief that her feelings make her a bad, difficult, or malfunctioning human.

The truth is rather that these people are too much for those who are not enough. She is too deep for those who lack depth, too emotional for those who have been sheltered from life, and too complex for those who are too afraid of what they don’t understand. And as a child, this little witch created lots of psychic waves without trying or realising. She transformed the lives of the people around her, and she was forced to witness the breakdowns and breakups but rarely the recovery. She could hear what they were thinking, sense what they were feeling, and see in clear view what they were hiding. There may have been shadows that haunted her and ghosts that helped her, and it’s common that there are one or a few outsider adults or elders that provide support, maternity, or mentorship of some sort. And she has the ability to shut out everything and hide within another world inside. A playground immersed in Pandora’s toy box, filled with the gifts she never received on the outside, psychic fantasies, labyrinths, muses, messages, guidance, and some kind of orb or light that she couldn’t seem to find out there. It’s one she can always return to and regenerate away from the static and noise, though most of what else she finds in there will remain a secret forever.

Cherry

“You will always remember what you were doing when it hurts the most.”

— Ocean Vuong, from “Night Sky with Exit Wounds: “Untitled (Blue, Green, and Brown); oil on canvas: Mark Rothko: 1952"”, originally published c. 2016.

Ku ren he

酷栠盒

他的爱心被很大

从来没想，

你现在会不这里

怎么做呢

如果没有你

我还吸烟，所以

记得你的记忆

我不会忘我们的生活

我心疼

酷栠峆

Sagittarius Eclipse Thoughts

Sagittarius is an important sign for me, because many of my family members, close friends, my ex, and my dog are all sags.

being a cancer sun, we crave comfort and emotional sensitivity. sagittarius is kind of contradictory to this, never being comfortable and always looking to expand. my virgo moon also isn’t very harmonious with this, always wanting things to be organized very neatly and concretely, but not everything can be.

It’s ironic because my only placement is with pluto in the fifth house, but given its aspects to my other planets, and the fact my mom’s a scorpio, I could be considered a plutonic person. Not to mention my sagittarius grandmas moon is in cancer, and i am a cancer sun.

my draconic sun is in sagittarius, and that’s supposedly what your “soul” is. your natal chart is what you are in this lifetime. my draconic moon is in aquarius, and that’s funny because i have an 11th house stellium, which is aquarius’s house. i’ve always liked sags and aquas because i feel so pulled down by my emotions sometimes. im not sure if that’s due to just depression or the fact my sun squares my saturn, which is in the 9th house, the house of sagittarius. my sun is in the 12th house, and honestly i’m learning to love that placement.

i’m writing this post because i can definitely feel the sagittarius energy. last night i felt almost manic, like i NEEDED to move and get out and do something. like it was a strong pull. and that reminds me a lot of my early twenties, how i never can quite stay still. for a cancer, i’m definitely not a homebody! perhaps this is due to my pluto, which is a very energizing planet.

that’s all i have for now, i’m just kind of mapping out my own life and noticing coincidences and patterns through astrology. it’s pretty interesting :)

my natal chart x

命盘 means natal chart in mandarin 🤪

学式 · some studyblr aesthetic

㞵阴阴

i’ve made bad choices, but so has 你嵪香

11th house thoughts

Hi everybody.

I have an 11th house stellium, and I love it. Probably because my venus is in there, der planet of luv, as well as mars, lust et aggression, and mercury, th’ intellect. 

My sun missed it shy of 1° ; had i been born just a few minutes earlier, I would have been an 11th house sun. But I’m a twelfer. Why, might you ask? My mother has an 11th house stellium afterall, so did my ex-boyfriend. Well, if you ask, my father is a twelfth house sun. 

And I’m learning to live with that. 

Just kidding. Anyways, I love my 11th house stellium. If you’re unfamiliar, the eleventh house is ruled by aquarius. Each of the twelve houses in astrology corelate to each of the twelve signs of the zodiac. The planet which governs both this house and sign is the planet of Uranus, which is my favorite one in our solar system :) I did a random generator a guy posted on reddit to find out which planet is dominant in your chart, and when I plugged everything in, I got Uranus. I was actually quite surprised by this, but overjoyed. I love everything uranus represents. Eccentricity, humanitarianism, chaos.

I am a cancer sun, though, and virgo moon. Cancer rules the moon, so wouldn’t that be my dominant planet? Or is it just my chart ruler? I don’t know. But the moon is so fleeting. Kind of chaotic, actually. Since the moon passes each sign every few days, that’s what makes us cancers so moody. We feel the energy of all the signs within a months time. Can you imagine how that feels? constantly knowing what other people are feeling and thinking? Or maybe I’m just imagining it. I am crazy, after all :p

I digress. The 11th house is fabulous. It rules the finer things in life. My ex-boyfriend was a dandy man, took me to fancy restaurants and hotels, the works. I need that sort of thing, I admire and crave it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very in tune with income inequality and the social issues that plague the world. But I still love dressing up in fancy clothes for a decadent night out. I suppose this is attributed to my stellium, but I’ll take it. A stellium by the way is when you have three or more planets in one house.

It’s kind of odd that my mom has an eleventh house stellium because we grew up quite poor. Nothing about her really screams fancy besides the fact that she adores drinking wine, is beautiful, and we live fancier only if you put us in to comparison with poorer people around us. We did grow up wearing nice clothes though. My mom would buy us second hand designer brand clothes like tommy hilfiger. Maybe that’s not designer, maybe that’s just brand name. I’m from Kentucky, give me a break. But we Kentucky fancy, baby.

Uranus being my dominant and favorite planet, is in my 7th house, the house of libra and relationships. Perhaps someone could pull up my chart {in the tags] and enlighten me on why it might be my dominant planet. I might also add that my draconic moon is in aquarius, which is supposely what your ‘soul’ truly is. I don’t quite believe that, because I think the soul is larger and smaller than the twelve signs of our universe. Or maybe just our solar system. At least of our conscience understanding of things at this time. Astrology is just a bunch of symbols made of our world to organize and communicate ieas n information. It’s not much more than that.

I recall being very internet savvy in middle and high school. My north node and chiron are in my third house, house of gemini and communication. All of my 11th house stellium planets are also in gemini. I see this being accurate because I am rather small in frame, standing at 5 foot 9 and weighing 125 pounds since I was thirteen years old. My mouth gets me in trouble, whether it’s from accidentally offending or just not being able to shut up! I would constantly be editing my myspace profile, using html codes, messing with the layout and how it interacted with my profile picture and song, and anything else I added to it. I loved it, and then that transitioned to my tumblr blog which I did in high school. Hopefully tumblr doesn’t die out, it’s definitely not what it used to be. Later when stumbleupon was something, I would look up things about futurism, humanism, design. I loved reading about the future. It made me so freaking excited. Like what will life be like in 2040? So cool! Or 2600? Then it made me sad once I accounted my age into the picture. I don’t wanna be 40! and that’s so far away! I hate waiting. 

I’ll end this post on something interesting I noticed. My boyfriend of a year had an eleventh house stellium. After we broke up, I had two guys I was interested in. I was actually quite torn, because they were both so amazing, but so different. One was elegant and familiar with astrology and addiction issues and had money. He was like this worldly man with fantastic package hehe helped cure this mundane “what’s the point?” feeling I had about learning languages and stuff. He made me feel like there was in fact a point to all of it. He’s a scorpio just like me mum and we just had great chemistry. But I was already seeing a nother guy, who was this gentle, down the earth, all around manly man’s man. I loved him, but in a different way. He was simple, but the first time I slept over at his house, he picked me up in this kinda old but kinda new like beat up stick shift hyudai sedan. He reminded me of Wario. But he had an amazing package as well. we mostly just slept though ,and when I slept with him, I felt like I was back in bed with my father when I was like five or seven years old. I already know how that sounds, and I know the childish bunch of you or dommage who lack a healthy relationship with your father if y’ar, are going to come for me and say that’s gross or messed up or perverted or weird. It’s not. I don’t want to fuck my father, I never have, and I never will. I really don’t want to open this can of worms because I could go on about people I’ve met who have been sexually assaulted by their fathers or who have an incest fetish and I’m not trying to shame any of those people. But, I felt like I was back in bed with my father like i was when i was a kid while I was laying with him, and that was a really, really, really good feeling. I never forgot it. He had an aries sun, which I used to hate aries. It was my least favorite sign, and probably still is tbh, along with aquarius LOL. Oh and his moon was in taurus which explained everything. My dad is a taurus sun, as are my two sisters, my grandpa, and one of my good friends, Chelsea. My moon is in virgo in the second house, which is the house of taurus.

Well, mr. fancy pants had an 11th house stellium, and my down to earth sweet S had a third house stellium. Finding these things out did nothing to absolve my confusion, only added to the ache of not knowing which to choose. Talk about love triangle though. It did make me realize why I was in this predicament though, and I suppose it worked out because I don’t really talk to either guy anymore. But The seventh and third houses are also air houses, just like the 11th. 

11th house - Aquarius/uranus, 

7th house - libra/venus, 

3rd house - gemini/mercury

That’s all for tonight. I’m ever behind on french homework, so I oughtta go take care of that. I want to write on the twelfth house, since my sun is in there as well as my father’s, and why I don’t appreciate its doom and gloom persona. If each house correlates to a sign, then the twelfth’s would be house of pisces. Pisces is the last sign with a bad stereotype. At least from my perception, it’s one of the best. So humanistic and kind. So why is its house the house of prison and addictions and psych wards and have all this hubbub, this &thatt?

Au revoir! -K  ý ll

Astrological Coincidences

this post started off as the importance of saggitarius and cancer in my life. i stayed true to that, but i was not expecting it to evolve into a 4500 word entry. read if you dare, it gets personal and drifts to anecdotes, involving gay unrequited love, but all kinda ties back together. i only scratched about half the surface, but there’s infinite time in the universe for these things. for everything, really. 

Since I started studying astrology some years ago, I’ve noticed a lot of “coincidences”, that I can’t help but feel the universe put there for some higher meaning. For example, I began to notice that most married couples possessed complementing signs. For example, water signs would date or marry other water or earth signs. Air and fire signs would date and marry each other as well. Of course, this isn’t always the case, but it always sticks out to me when a couple possesses two sun signs of opposite polarity. It’s more rare. 

My bishop of my church was a cancer (water) and his wife a saggitarius (fire), and now that I type this out, I realize another coincidence that has been revealed to me over the past few months. I would say Cancer and Saggitarius have been the two signs most on my mind lately. I am a cancer sun, and my pluto is in saggitarius. My draconic sun is in saggitarius, which I was pleased to find out. I’d much rather be a fire sign sometimes than water. Fire signs seem to have it all figured out, and are so confident in themselves. My virgo moon and sun square saturn have given me HELL.

Well, anyway. The bishop and his wife were pretty important to me when I was mormon. I liked them. I loved the church. They were sucessful church members, and good people. I still think about them almost every day, and pray for them and hope they are doing well. It is ironic to me now, that I realize two very important people to me in such a transformative, profound part of my life have these two signs.

My grandmother, who has practically raised me alongside my parents, has a saggitarius sun and a cancer moon. My cousin brenda is a saggitarius sun, so is my best friend Zoe, and my favorite dog Prince. My pluto is in saggitarius, and whether thanks to my scorpio mother or my aspects (sun quincunx pluto, moon square pluto, mercury & mars, and maybe even venus since they’re all conjunct, opposite pluto. A Harsh aspect I may add! jupiter semisquare pluto, saturn trine,uranus sextile, neptune sextile, trine ascendant, sesquidrate midheaven. whew!), I would consider myself a pretty plutonic person. It took me some years after high school to realize that most people do not operate at the level of depth I feel I do. It makes me lonely, batsh*t crazy, intimidating, and sadly, feared. I’m tempted to delve into my mercury opposite pluto and how that completely destroyed my mental health, but I wanna stay on topic.

Well, I guess this is a good segue then. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I Suppose it’s the cancer thing. Time and time again I would fall in love with “straight” men [they were predominantly straight acting/behaving but I know at least one of them messed around with dudes, the other one I don’t really care, and the other is likely a closet case) but anyways, I would fall in love with these straight men. 

The first time was sophomore year, I fell deeply in love with someone and would think about him all day every day. I would dream about him, imagine scenarios with him that would never occur, but I kept it all a secret. Maybe it was part infatuation, but maybe it was deeper. He reminded me of Jake Gyllenhaal, also a saggitarius! who was my absolute favorite actor. Although I eventually got over my love for him, it did kind of hurt me in a way, whether it be from low self esteem or just carrying a secret like that. I’ve always been tempted to blame my mood “disorder” or psychological problems on being gay, but even per the gay community I am eccentric. Weird. Crazy. 

The next unrequited love was during a summer leadership program before my first year of college. I was extremely ambitious. I wanted to be a CEO, a millionaire. The next big actor or entrepreneur. And it felt possible! at least, for a moment...

Well, there was a handsome fellow in the program, and I became fixated on him. I thought about him constantly, wondered if he thought about me, too. Of course, part of me kind of knew he wasn’t, but what was so confusing to me at this point was why would I be feeling so deeply and strongly about this guy if he wasn’t feeling the same way about me? Perhaps that’s where the delusions start. I don’t know, you know. It just didn’t make sense. He HAD to be thinking about me because I was absolutely in love with him, right? And it wasn’t just a sex thing. I don’t know what it was, frankly, because my memory escapes me. I think I just was so curious about him and wanted to be around him constantly. IDK. But after leaving the program and returning home before the start of the semester, I gathered up enough courage to send him a message on facebook and ask him on a date. Honestly, I couldn’t NOT do it. It was driiving me insane, how much I was thinking about him. Something absolutely had to be done, but I guess I’m just not one to let an opportunity pass me by. I told my coworker at penn station what I had done, and she said “you’re very brave”. 

Her reaction kind of puzzled me because it was not what I was expecting. I guess she is right, it is brave of a man to ask another man out on a date, especially if you’re unsure of his sexuality. It could have been nasty, but honestly it was quite the opposite. He simply responded that he wasn’t gay, we exchanged a few more messages, and I suggested we could hang out if he was interested (but platonically, of course (; xD) He was super nice whenever he saw me around campus, and honestly looking back at it, I’m getting kind of emotional. Because if anybody handled a gay man hitting on them the right way, it was this guy. He made it clear he wasn’t interested, but still treated me like a human. He gave me a high five one day on campus and I dunno, it was like nothing was wrong. And of course, I got over him. I didn’t get hung up on him, it was pretty easy for me to move on because he just wasn’t interested. But I won’t ever forget how I felt that summer before college. 

Of course, as I wear my heart on my sleeve, it was not long before I fell in love with someone new. I suppose I should tie this back into astrology. This summer before college was when I started getting interested in it. I began looking up people’s signs and who’s compatible with cancer. Partly on tumblr and just google searches, and your typical superficial commercial astrology articles. This is how it started, and I remember that guy being a leo, and me being upset because I’m a cancer, and we’re not compatible with leos. I suppose I was searching through the stars to measure up my chances with this guy. If I remember correctly, I probably googled things like how to tell if a guy is gay. But then, I was already doing stuff like that in high school. Omg I just thought of other crushes I’ve had, so maybe I don’t need to go down the list. I can just bring up the ones that are more relevant to this post, which are the saggitariuses!

 So I became obsessively infatuated with this saggitarius after I had left the Mormon church. It had been a rocky week. My crippling indecisiveness and existential fear of punishment and damnation had reappeared as I was slowly distancing myself from the Mormon church and its teachings. I had been in the cult er I mean covenant (just kidding, I still love ya Mormons) for two years of my life, had shaped my world view (as best as I could) and made plans for my future around this religion I had become so deeply apart of. I was a MORMON, I wanted EVERYONE to know. I truly fell in love with the Mormon church. Anyways, I couldn’t resist m*sturb*ting (censored for tumblr) and watching p*rn. P*rn is such a loaded term though, because are shirtless dudes on Instagram considered pnography? Ugh!

Well, I eventually hooked up with this guy off grindr. He was actually nuts and kind of threatened me and scared me. Perhaps he is the one who sewed that seed in me, and I am merely possessed by the same demon that inspired him to blow up at me for not wanting to come back over his apartment for a second hookup, and then messaging me saying “I’m outside”. Like, he didn’t know where I lived, but I was scared. I was like 19 or 20, he was probably in his late 30s. I dunno. I was upset about it and told my dad and he made me feel better by threatening to kick his a**. I later talked to his boyfriend (this is gay culture remember) and he apologized for him, and I actually ran into him at Fazoli’s or somewhere and he looked kinda ashamed/embarrassed. So like I forgave him I guess, or at least I just moved on and didn’t dwell on it. He was blocked on socials for years, which says something, because I don’t really block people. I was more angry about it than anything, because it was like undeserved on my end. Today though, as I write this, I’m wondering what was going through his mind. In a compassionate sense, not a judgmental one. Now that I’ve lost my noggin once or twice, I kinda get it….

Well, the next morning, I was being angsty and 20 and mad at the world and my mother and yada yada. I still don’t know if my tendency towards anger is a rather natural, human thing that most people just don’t talk about, or if I am in fact angry more often than most and more intensely. Maybe, because of my harsh moon aspects (moon square mars, moon square pluto) plus I’m a cancer scorpionic person, right? Well my friend Patrick who is a pisces sun cancer moon made me feel like I wasn’t the only one who feels things so intensely. And my friend gracie, who I can tell anything to. Shes a saggitarius sun and scorpio moon, wow did I freaking forget to mention her earlier in this post? Wow, so yes, another very important person in my life who coincidentally is a saggitarius. She knows anger, and I’m thankful for it.

 Well, I run off with my car, which I’m blessed to have from my grandparents (thank u grandpa Wilson and Sondra, I don’t think I ever expressed how thankful I was for that car but I really was. Thank you.) I end up all the way in Elizabethtown, like 45 minutes outside of Louisville, because I just wanted to get the fuck away. So of course my horny 20 year old ass gets on grindr, and almost immediately, this dude sends me the most gorgeous dick pic my little 20 year old heart had ever seen. I was like jaw on the floor wow, I wish I still had the picture! I was kinda nervous and still new to the whole hookup app thing, so I was like just sitting there, in the mcdonald’s parking lot, wondering if I should go or not. Then, he sent me a face picture, and if he wasn’t the most absolutely stunning, drop dead gorgeous man on the PLANET. Holy shit, I was in love from those two pics alone. The dick pic was giving me like trashy straight white man in a wife beater and basketball shorts vibes. Like a slimey criminalesque guy who knows how to fuck. But then he sent me that face pic and it was like the freaking sun shining on me like I was a sunflower or something. Drop dead beautiful. Anyway I hurry my ass on over there. I recall now that I was NOT looking my best, and honestly had I been a little better groomed, maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe not. But I was wearing this like ugly like suede-ish or curdoroy-ish deep red shirt, like a worker’s shirt like a cowboy or something. I dunno why I thought that shirt was cute and didn’t give it away. I really didn’t vibe with it, but at this point in my life I was always doing what I thought I /should/ be doing, not what I felt like inside. Had to be manly, right?

Well, anyway, I looked like trash and felt like trash. I had this shitty buzz cut because I had buzzed my hair, I had some scruff, I hadn’t douched or like properly even just soaped up my ass. Like gee what was I thinking, haha. I’m so dumb. I guess I was only planning on giving him a blow job or something, but boy when he grabbed my ass did I regret not being cleaned down there. Damn if I could have taken that man’s cock, cuz it’s looking like that may have been my only chance. Ha!

Well, I get there, and of course I hesitate before I went it, and I would later use this to justify other things that went wrong in my life. Because I chose the wrong thing, which is to have [GAY] pre-marital sex, which was wrong in the Mormon church and would make me feel guilty and bar me from serving a mission (which was extremely and shockingly disheartening). Now you see why I say this man got good dick? He took it all. My pride. My shame. I kid. But I did lose a lot from these hook ups, but that was from my own lust. But this guy, E-town I would go to call him, was honestly like my dream man. He was tall, a football player’s build. I am absolutely weak for a football player, a linebacker. Especially after they’ve put on some weight! I need a man who looks like he eats a freaking steak! And plays cornhole!

I remember feeling shy and nervous for reasons outside of him and for reasons that had to do with how drop dead gorgeous he was, and I’m just a pretty shy person, no matter how far I pushed myself to be type A, extroverted, CEO successful Kyle. Straight masculine kyle ha ha.

I remember sitting on his bed, next to him. I kinda just sat there and looked at him, he put his hand on my knee, and kind of titled his head to the side and… kissed me? I don’t remember. I feel like the next thing I remember is him pulling down his (Red?) basketball shorts and watching that big fat dong slip out. And of course I went to work. (sorry mom! if ur reading this). Damn, did I suck that dick. It had to be for like 20 or 30 minutes, which honestly is kinda long lasting in the realm of anonymous internet hook ups! And for a blow job! Maybe it was only 10 minutes, who are we kidding. I don’t know, but it felt amazing and it felt like forever. I’m gonna get into the grimey details here, because I can and want to.

He like laid down on his bed and I like crouched over him and sucked that dick. It was just as great as the picture, as was he. He looked strong and masculine, and beautiful, really, sitting next to me just moments prior. The reason this hook up was so important was because I had a realization, or feeling, that was impactful on my spirit while I was sucking this hunk a junk’s dilly will. Besides the embarrassment I feel at his reaction when I reached down for his feet while I was sucking away (he looked to the left uncomfortably, fine, no feet play), I recall just you know, doing my thing on his bed, then kinda looking up and opening my eyes and this thought just kinda hits me, or appears to me, “What is wrong with this?”

“What is wrong with this?”

It was a thought that I guess had more of an impact on me than I realized, because it’s been like four years since that has happened and I have not gone back to the Mormon church. I suppose his cock literally killed the homophobia inside of me. Lust, love (mars, venus), whatever you want to call it, led me to that man and that situation. If I hadn’t been attracted to him, I wouldn’t have gone over, right? He brought up something about catfishing before I came over, and joked about how he pretended to not be home or something when the guy showed up at the door. I dunno, I guess these details put me at ease and led me to complete the task. The night before, before going to that mean guy’s house, I was like pushing myself back and forth back and forth like don’t do this, but something in me just needed to I guess. Is sex like a human need? Apparently! But I remember the tug of war that was going through me, because I didn’t want to give into the homophobia.

And wow, if something didn’t just click! I was never really afraid of Mormonism or Mormon theology. I don’t think I ever truly believed in it, I just wanted it to be true so bad I was willing to compromise so many things. And I wasn’t quite afraid of anything but homosexuality itself. I was afraid of being gay. Point blank simple. But what can I say? I have a high as fuck sex drive and I like sucking cock. I love men. I don’t know if that makes me gay or trans or a bottom or a faggot or what, it’s just what it is, you know? And I guess that’s what that feeling was that surfaced as I was sucking Austin’s dick. Austin B——

I saw little things in him that just made me convinced he was placed on this earth for me. He had a buddha head statue in his house, he had the local news playing on the TV while we hooked up. Which is just funny cuz a. the TV was on, and b. it was the local news. Like why was he watching that. The only person I know who watched that was like my grandma. And it was like the morning time, I dunno I probably would have been watching cartoons or Disney channel or history channel, not the local news. And I wouldn’t have had the TV on during a hook up, but I’ve learned that not everyone shares my electrosensory sensitivities.

He also mentioned having a gardener, and the fact he is literally football player type looking like a Greek god Hercules in the pic he sent me on the Versace beaches of Italy, tan, large, and had a humungous lizard. I was like obsessed and infatuated or whatever. And apparently it was abundantly clear because I feel he took my actions out of proportion, turned them against me, then expressed these negative, mean things to ryan weekly and later craig, my saggitarius boyfriend, at big bar. Like, honestly that’s just hurtful. But I suppose these seemingly normal things, which I took as a sign that he was the one for me and I just assumed recipricocity. Maybe that’s my problem, even to this day. I assume if I have a feeling, it is immediately shared by the other person. Huh, I’ll have to think about that.

But I didn’t talk to him for like months, because I was fucking scared. Like, I didn’t wanna get hurt. But boy did I get hurt HA. Well, I add him on facebook, because it was connected to his phone number that he had given me. I honestly thought this was not that weird, but now that I’m processing things I’ve been told and looking back at it, he might have found this odd. But like, they’re connected. It’s the digital age. I thought he was younger than he was because his grindr age was a couple years low, so I was confused. I thought he was rich because his age said like 26? Or 23? I don’t remember. It doesn’t sound old now, but to me it felt kinda old cuz I was only 20 at the time. I was like wow, he has a gardener and his own place and is that young? Like he must have a bachelor’s degree, comes from a wealthy family, etc. which I now realize I assumed because I was surrounded by that at Atherton and centre. It was kind of ingrained in me that everyone went to college and wanted to go to college. That’s just what I thought was normal, but no he didn’t go to college and neither do most people. Especially in Kentucky.

Well I also changed the color of our messenger chat because I was like haha I saw your picture from play!!!!! Omg I remember now. I did not in fact add him from his phone number on facebook because I probably correctly assumed that would have been creepy. I spent months thinking about him, then after I had gone to Play with travis on new years, I think I saw that Austin was in one of the pictures and I used that as an excuse to add him!

Ok, now things are adding less up. If I didn’t add him from his phone number, that’s one less strike against me. The play thing is like a normal thing, right? I mean I’m used to myspace and shit I’m friendly, I feel like adding people and browsing play’s page would be a normal thing. The changing of the messenger colors was honestly just a new feature and I thought it was cool, it was kind of a cute uwu flex that showed affection. Maybe he just thought it was weird and creepy. Maybe he just thought I was an unmemorable hookup, because I didn’t look my best or feel my best, and when he grabbed my ass I told him that I needed to shower. Then he had to go to some football game or something.

I’m not sure what other events exactly transpired, but I was hooked on this man but obviously super cautious about how I approached it. It’s ironic isn’t it, that I was so weary about being perceived as bad or undesirable that I held on to feelings for so long, but ended up getting fucked over in the end anyway.

The only thing I can think of which was weird was when I texted him A BUNCH that one night I showed up at nadia’s after fighting with my dad and driving all the way to Glasgow because I had this persistent urge and spiritual compulsion / delusion that I was being called AWAY. That I needed to LEAVE PERMANENTLY and that would solve all of my problems. I suppose that was dramatic of me. Well I must have been smoking weed or something because I was a little too open with my emotions and sent him a bunch of texts and said I was gonna make art about him. Which in retrospect I am super embarrassed about, because that’s like a vulnerable thing for me to say especially to someone who is about to be spewing hatred towards me. Like let’s face it, this man did not have good intentions for me. Maybe he never did. Wow. Wow. Huh. That’s a revelation.

I was just someone he was somewhat attracted to but didn’t really care about otherwise, I guess. I dunno. Wish I knew tbh. But I was like accidently nearby him on grindr, like probably less than a mile away, but that is entirely not my fault, because nadia lived in crescent hill, which is a densely populated area that I, ME, am familiar with. I spent two years on Frankfort ave with Andrew. It’s my turf, bitch. My bad, you bought some “fancy” apartment in crescent hill with your stupid Kroger manager job because you think you’re fancy and cosmopolitan but you’re actually just an idiot. I don’t even think he used the right to and your. Maybe he never said those words idk. But I remember trying to have a text convo with him and just feeling so AWKWARD. Like UGH why would it feel awkward!!!!! If I literally was in love with him and wanted to lick his feet and OH

He also looked like a fucking famous movie star director. Not an actor, not a model, not a celeb sports player, but like his vibes just screamed FAMOUS DIRECTOR. And honestly, that’s not something I would have sought out before but it was sexy. As. Fuck. I don’t fetishize directors like I do policemen or firefighters, but damn he looked fucking intoxicating.

 I was working at Costco. Well, after my emotional outburst and telling him I’d make art about him (which honestly, ought to neutralize the whole damn situation. That’s just sweet and charming as fuck. And obviously shows that I’m an emotional and caring person who just isn’t very good at expressing myself. Or maybe I was, and because he wasn’t interested and is just mean, he twisted it to make it look like I was creepy. I was surprised to find out ryan weekly knew him, and when we chatted he like joked around with me about it. But he told me that Austin was really scared of me, “like for his life”. Part of me wants to say ryan was just being dramatic and mean, but now that I remember /how/ he said it, I think it was honest. Which is disturbing, because Austin was never in danger… that was a delusion on his part. Ha! I suppose I was just suffering from his delusions and assertion of his will, or whatever. If yaw anna look at it astrologically.

But ryan was kinda mean. He told me I was awkward and weird because I like would randomly laugh to myself or something. Like how is that weird…. Like I just don’t understand why that would have bothered him and why he would have felt the need to tell me I was weird or inferior or something. I mean I know we had history with kayla and all, but I had forgiven all that and genuinely liked hanging out with ryan before. But, he is also one person who first called attention to my “anger issues”

So maybe that answers my question from before. If two separate people make the same comment or observation about my emotional nature, maybe there is some accuracy in it. Maybe I’m fooling myself by thinking it’s a common thing just because I’ve found good, healing validation in who would become my close friends. But I suppose that is why they are my close friends, and ryan w—— is not.

Anyway, e-town was a saggitarius, and maybe because my pluto is in saggitarius, and is poorly aspected my mars, mercury, and my moon. Maybe that is what created this whole mess to begin with. I guess I can’t exactly be mad, but I mean damn what the fuck God?!

If I wasn’t wrong for sucking dick, because “what’s wrong with this?” then I wasn’t being punished for it. Right? If I hadn’t done the wrong thing, I wouldn’t have been punished….. IF you’re going on basic right vs wrong. Of course in the real world, innocent people get punished for things they haven’t done or for things they have done but just isn’t wrong. It’s like, subjective and relative to the situations and circumstances at hand. Maybe this is just one of those situations, too, and that’s just the detached truthful reality of it. Huh.

Now I could go on to talk about Craig, the next saggitarius romantic endeavor that ended in total disaster. Absolute volcanic eruption. Not supervolcano, but maybe just an island volcano that kills hundreds of people. Damn, I felt that.

I remember smoking weed and feeling like a woman who was psychotic and in space and crashed the entire spaceship because someone did something to upset her. I mean, it’s happened before. The pilots that have taken down entire planes full of passengers, just to kill themselves. That just doesn’t make sense to me. Why not just kill yourself? Why take a whole crew of random passengers with you? And it just doesn’t feel anti-social to me, like he thought people were bad and deserved it. The feeling I may be intuiting that it was just carelessness.? But that doesn’t feel right either. Maybe it was impulse and on a whim. Maybe it was a hint of psychopathy and a strong feeling he had and just took the chance. Maybe he wanted fame. Attention. Who knows. Is this what life is? Detachedly making sense of all this chaos and trauma, and death and loss and unknown? God!

I’m tempted to say this is all so psychotic, but in fact i do feel like it’s actually quite awesome, for once. All this chaos and unknown, but still being able to find happiness in it. That is such a wise, helping healing piece of perception. 

an advertisement you see on a high speed rail leaving tehran

my natal chart [will expand on this later.]

Sun in Cancer in Twelfth House

Oh boy. Where do I start with the twelfth house. As if being a cancer wasn’t hard enough!

Moon in Virgo in Second House

Moon in second house, that placement I actually quite fancy. Virgo though? Talk about nervous wreck! Very insecure growing up, for various reasons, and overly privy to detail that I’m still realizing not everyone else is like.

Mercury in Gemini in Eleventh House

Yes I will talk your head off. And yes I will look damn good while I do. Did someone say secular humanism?

Venus in Gemini in Eleventh House

I have three boyfriends at any given time. We need to have a mental connection before anything else is guaranteed. Take me to a gala, a fancy restaurant. Let’s drink wine and lavish in ourselves all night.

Mars in Gemini in Eleventh House

If I like you, I will insult you. If you can’t handle that, then **** ***. My body is small and thin. Lots of nervous energy. I think all the eleventh house energy gives me an aquarian persona, paired with my aquarius draconic moon. which is supposedly what your soul really is. but is our soul really bound by the paradigms of this universe? i dunt think so.

My Languages

Part 2

Danish. 

I can’t really say what attiréd me to Dansk. Was it the movie, the Prince and Me, with the fabulous Julia Stiles? One could say that. If you look at life as purely materialistic, and nothing more. But to be quite frank, that movie didn’t make that big of an impression on me, other than the fact that it was my only real exposure to Denmark growing up. I didn’t know any Danes. In Kentucky, where I was raised, there’s not a sizeable scandinavian community. There really is nothing tangibly physical that I could say caused me to become so enamoured with Denmark, Danish, and the nordic region at large. I can’t even quite conceptualize when it began, either. I just recall thinking about all the languages I wanted to learn, and somehow Danish became a priority. 

The spiritual side of me suspects I had a great past life there. Have you ever had a country (or person) you’ve met, and just kind of love or hated for no particular reason? Well, you probably have past life energy there, so the theory goes. So that must be it. Or maybe it’s just all of the aquarius in my natal chart. Scandinavia seems so aquarius. Technologically advanced, intelligent, prosperous. They weren’t always that way, but the region’s history is so rich and fascinating. I feel like I could live in Denmark, Norway, Finland, the Faroe Islands, for a thousand lifetimes. It’s a pity I don’t have any connection to them, yet. 

On the subject of synchronicity, where things just kinda unexpectedly happen but all make sense. Like the fact that my friend’s dad brought up alchemy randomly (I rarely hear about alchemy) then a couple hours later someone else randomly brings it up. Two in one day. It’s kinda like that.

Well, I could go two paths here. Stay on synchronicity, or go back to middle school when my infatuation with Denmark arose. My routine, while living with grandma, was to wake up in the morning, go to the living room. She would make us cinnamon toast, and I would watch TV. When I was younger, I’d then go out and play with neighborhood friends. But this was middle school, and we had drifted apart. I habitually would just browse the computer, while I comfortably sat in the living room, feeling cozy and warm in juxtaposition to the cold, gloomy, winter weather outside. Reading about Danish culture, and specifically the alcoholism, made me feel so warm and /excited/. Just reading aout Denmark and how people would get hammered and throw up on the city streets, riding their bikes. Gee. I was like, this is amazing! I wanna live there. Maybe that’s where my alcoholism started?

Well I suppose maybe that was just it. I just saw a movie about a Danish prince, then stumbled upon random internet information and the rest is history. Well, not quite. After I had a deeply profound conversion to Mormonism, I ran away from home to Utah. I met a homeless man there in temple square, and I of course was heaily mormon and set on the church being true and not open to other spiritual thought, but obviously still exposed to it. Well this homeless man and I were talking, and he told me about some experience he had where he was speaking in tongues and the people he was with said that he was speaking Old Danish. Well what are the odds that I run away from home, strike up a conversation with this random homeless man, and he mentions having a spiritual experience where he spoke a language only a few million people know out of billions. Maybe it’s not that unique, maybe he was speaking gibberish, and some returned missionary with decent exposure to northern european germanic languages got the impression he was making Old Danish noises. I don’t quite recall the details, but I will entertain the skeptics. 

Regardless, maybe we had a past life connection. I haven’t seen or talked to that homeless man since, but I always think about that when I think about Denmark now. And I have been able to study Danish. It’s one of my favorite things to do. I wish I had more time and more use for it. I could say rød grød med fløde for hours. I could die in Copenhagen a happy man. A happy, drunk, alcoholic man, with all of my hygge and the cosmopolitan amenities europe has to offer. 

Alas, I really do have no use for the language. No one shares my passion, and I have other things to worry about. It will always pique my interest though when Denmark or scandinavia is mentioned. Maybe one day I’ll get to at least visit the country, maybe that will give me some kind of closure. I will end by reflecting on one of the happier nights of my most recent life. It was a chilly night, I was dating Craig, a man much older than I who I wasn’t particularly attracted to in the romantic sense (was I?), but he made me feel comfortable. So comfortable, and loved. He fell asleep on the couch like usual, and I stayed up watching the tele. This time I was down the rabit hole of watching youtube videos about scandinavian history. I pranced around the house while he slept, eating these oriental flavored pretzel things from costco that were quite good, and just felt so in awe and in love with life. Soaking up the atmosphere and that warm cozy feeling that comes with being under the same roof of someone you love and trust on a moonlit, frosty night. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that. And now I recall a similar feeling, with my high school boyfriend Andrew. It was a similar relationship. I had little romantic and sexual interest, but like Craig, Andrew was quite pushy and kind of coerced me into the relationship. And I got comfortable. We had spent the evening walking down Frankfort avenue, eating sushi at my favorite restaurant, Osaka, then stopped in a mom and pop catholic bookstore. They impressed me with their language selection, which is always the first section I go to in any library or bookstore. There was a book on Dutch and Finnish that I was torn between, but I ended up getting the some decades old Teach Yourself Finnish book. I ended the night up in his attic bedroom in his charming old home. I popped some hydrocodones, and as he slept I taught myself Finnish while the warmth of the opiates spread throughout my body. I was happy. Genuinely.

シュズ、ヌウオルエンズ

テイキンバイクレグ

ｘｏ

My Languages

part 1

in order of when i picked it up. I grew up in an english speaking home, had friends who only spoke english, and really did not get any conscious exposure to another language until i was around 7 years old. my great grandmother on my mom’s side, married into the family, was a lovely woman from Tokyo whom we called Chick. she awoke my interest in other languages and cultures. i was eager to learn japanese from her, and she taught me some. just a few sentences here and there.

it wasn’t until middle school that i really got back into languages. i remember feeling excited for moving to high school, and being able to take french. i told my father over dinner at one of our favorite mexican restaurants, where he, my sister, and i would almost ritualistically go to [until it burned down]. he was quite irate that i had fancied french over spanish, and understandably so. spanish is much, much more common and useful in the united states than french is. however, i couldn’t be deterred. i was naturally drawn to french, and that’s what i would choose. i primed myself using google translate, looking up random words here and there. i would go on to study it for four years in high school. i was the top of my class, and everyone knew it. i just simply loved french and was good at it. i was fortunate enough to take IB French (international baccalaureate) which i can’t brag enough about. ib was awesome. like a breath of fresh air compared to the crap american standardized education feeds us. well, anyway. french will go along to become my major in university, not so much due to passion or interest, but because it’s common enough that it’s a major at most universities. france isn’t my favorite country and i don’t really want to live there. i’d choose quebec or luxembourg or belgium first. but hopefully it serves me well.

japanese was my other focus. in middle school i got into anime (death note specifically) besides already being madly in love and obsessed with pokémon and yugioh. i attempted to teach myself katakana. i remember thinking my name kyle would be キユレ kiyure, cuz i didn’t know how katakana worked back then. it’d probably be more like カイヨウル. however aside from that i didn’t really have much more need or pressure to learn more. the high school i would later go on to offered japanese, but for some reason that escapes my memory, i never took it. i ended up taking four languages in high school, but japanese was not one of them.

i guess this would be a good segue into spanish. but back to japanese first. i would later study japanese in college, centre college, to be exact. im thankful i did because i was able to write my great grandma chick a letter with the japanese i had learned. she was living in north carolina with my grandma and step grandpa, as she lay dying. i wasn’t able to see her before she passed, but my grandma said she loved my letter and wouldn’t stop mentioning it. lol.

synchronicitly, my japanese professor would be an awesome mormon man who i would have a good rapport with, because i was passionately mormon at this time in my life. and he was pretty awesome. he probably just thought i was some dumb kid, and i was. but if you’re reading this brother dixon, おはようございます！「元気ですか？」

i supposed i have lied, though. i forgot that i studied spanish in elementwrycschooo. so i did have exposure to foreign languages. we did not take spanish in middle school though, which is odd and embarrassing tbh. but i would later take spanish in high school for three weeks, before i dropped it because my class mates were pronouncing me llamo like... mee lahmo. not may ahmo like literally anyone should know by now.... so i switched to chinese.

inspired by avatar the last air bender, and an anxious and impulsive desire, i signed up for chinese class to get away from the heathens who didn’t know elementary spanish. why i didn’t ask if japanese or german was available, and honestly now that i think of it, i may have. at least one or the other. i distinctly remember being told chinese was available, and i just took it. so began my journey with 中文.

spanish was too easy and nothing about spain or south america really draws me. i do like argentina though, and catalan seems interesting. and definitely portuguese, but that’s not spanish!

before i continue on that though, let’s rewind. my knack for languages was already blossoming in middle school, even though i hadn’t had any formal study besides elementary school spanish from señor ramos. i told my dad as we sat together at the dinner table that i wanted to learn five languages. i was surprised later when he brought it back up, because i didn’t think he had remembered. looking back, i guess that is kind of unique. not many people have that desire, let alone accomplish it. in america at least.

well i still remember those languages. i believe they were japanese, french, german, spanish, and danish. yes. undoubtedly those were it. which one doesn’t belong? lol. danish, i know right? which is why we need to rewind. my love for denmark probably isnt worthy of its own post, but i will leave off here, and pick this up later. i gotta go to school, hun.

xx gossip girl

nadia et moi

10 septembre 2021

je me repose sur le lit dans ma chambre. je suis à la maison de ma grand-mère, où j’habite. la grand-mère sur le côté de mon père. il a aidé mes parents m’élever depuis ma jeunesse. elle est en tout cas, comme un autre parent.

quand ma sœur et moi rations le bus pour l’école, elle nous y amenait (je viens d’utiliser « y » correctement, hein ?) si on voulait, on pouvait venir chez-elle. et maintenant, après tout le drame, je suis de retour.

c’est pas mal. j’étais très content de revenir. la vie tout seul est difficile. j’ai fait la connaissance d’une personne qui a devenue très proche à moi, et j’me suis reconnecté avec des anciens amis. je me suis tombé amoureux deux fois, plus ou moins. la vie m’a fait mal, bien sûr. sans doute. j’ai fais des drogues. j’eu eu le sexe. la vie m’a fait mal. personnes sont mortes. mais, la vie est même bonne.

en tous ces cas, il y a des moments, ou en mon cas, jours, semaines, ou je me sens trop mal. quelques jours je peux pas me lever du lit. quelquefois c’est ok. je pense que je me suis réconcilié avec mes émotions. certainement elles sont plus lourdes parfois. mais je suis même ici dans la planète. j’ai essayé de me tuer plusieurs fois. mais je suis ici. dieu ou l’univers voudrait que je suis vivant. et je vis. pas parfaitement. je fais beaucoup de choses et j’ai des opinions que je sais trop beaucoup me feront mal si j’étais trop honnêt avec des autres. j’ai appris que tout le monde n’a pas besoin de savoir tous mes pensées, mes insécurités. ils les utiliseraient pour me blesser. je l’ai appris à la dure. je ne peux pas faire tout le monde confiance. c’est just la réalité de la vie.

maintenant je me sens assez bien. je voudrais le garder cette façon. si je dois fumer quelque chose ou prendre un moment pour respoir et fermer le monde hors de moi, je le ferrai. j’ai pas autant peur comme j’avais. ai-je même peur ? ouais certainement. mais j’ai changé, lequel est le raison pour la vie, non ?

je suis optimiste. je sais pas l’avenir et ce qu’il comporte. mais j’ai du terrain stable maintenant. j’ai l’intelligence émotionnelle, dans une façon que je n’ai pas eu avant. la mort continue de me fait peur. mais je suppose c’est un message pour un autre jour!