Atsushi, seeing the cops marching past:
Atsushi, who has done nothing wrong ever: They're coming for me.
Dazai, currently wanted for 138 murders, 312 cases of extortion, and 625 cases of fraud, along with various and sundry other crimes: Yeah, probably.
Kunikida: Why is Dazai late, again?
Atsushi, writing Dazai's report: He said he's going through an existential crisis and won't get up of his futon cause he doesn't know what's real anymore. 😅
Kunikida: 😡
Atsushi: What is it like to be aspec? I don't really get it.
Dazai: Ok, listen up. Mentally I'm very romantic.
Dazai: Physically I'm asexual.
Dazai: Spiritually I'm a fucking slut.
Atsushi: Yep, makes sense.
Dazai: Last night I had a dream that you and I bought matching side by side mansions.
Dazai: But there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my back yard.
Chuuya:
Dazai: What do you think it means?
Chuuya:😶
Dazai: Valentine's day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant other and-
Chuuya: I wrote you a poem.
Dazai, already crying: You did???
Chuuya, during a mission: How are we gonna get out of this?
Dazai: Don't worry, I have a plan!
Chuuya: *sighs* Ah, the four words society fears most.
Dazai, being captured by the enemy who is dragging him away : Let me go and I'll pay you whatever you want.
Dazai: Fuck I forgot my wallet!
Dazai: *turns back to look at Chuuya*
Dazai: Chuuya, pay him whatever he wants !!!
Dazai: I’m an excellent driver.
Chuuya: You almost ran over a woman by accident.
Dazai, remembering how that woman smiled at Chuuya flirtatious: Ah yes… by accident… yes.
Dazai: When I was 15 I googled "two men kissing" on Mori's computer and when he asked me why that was in his search bar, I said "Idk, you tell me"
Dazai: and it worked.
Dazai: If you tell anyone that we kissed I promise I will make your 2024 a living nightmare.
Chuuya: How is that any different from now?
Kunikida: Ranpo have you seen Dazai?
Ranpo, clearly lying: Um, no. That idiot's probably off working his dumb plan.
Ranpo, who also helps Dazai with his plan: He's so stupid.
Kunikida:
Ranpo: You know, the only reason the president hasn't fired him is that we're worried that he'll kill himself.
Ranpo: *leaves*
Kunikida, internally: Yep. They're up to something together.
Dazai: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.
Chuuya: Wow. They sound stupid.
Dazai: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense.
Chuuya: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… "Hey! I love you!"
Dazai: I guess you’re right. Hey Chuuya, I love you.
Chuuya: See! Just say that!
Dazia: Holy fucking shit.
Chuuya: If that flies over their head then, sorry mackerel, but they're too dumb for you.
Dazai:
Yosano: Hey, Dazai, who's your favorite singer or band?
Dazai: I don't really have one.
Yosano: Oh c'mon pretty boy, everyone has one.
Kunikida: It's propably arctic monkeys.
Dazai: Fine. If you really wanna know that bad...it's taylor swift.
Yosano: Who? Gotta speak up.
Dazai: Taylor Swift.
Ranpo: HAH, I KNEW IT! YOU ALL OWE ME FIVE BUCKS.
Dazai: I hope I get run over.
Atsushi: Aww, come on, it's Christmas! Get in the spirit!
Dazai, sighs: Fine, I hope I get run over by a reindeer.
Chuuya: What do you want for christmas?
Dazai: You in a maid outfit.
Chuuya: 🖕
Dazai: How old were you guys when you found out Santa wasn't real?
Atsushi, whispering to Kunikida: How old am I?
Kunikida: You’re 18, Atsushi.
Atsushi, sadly: I was 18.
Dazai: Dear Santa,
Dazai: I’m writing to you because I know I’ve been naughty...
Dazai: And it was totally worth it, you judgmental bastard!
Atsushi: What was Chuuya like when he was a little?
Dazai: Oh I think you mean young. He's always been little.
Ango: They say partners can never be just friends. It's always sexual.
Dazai: *scoffs* That's dumb. Look at me and Chuuya. There's nothing sexual between us.
Oda:
Ango:
Dazai: I don't get paid enough to deal with Mori. He describes me as "also gay for girls."
Chuuya: Yuck.
*married soukoku au*
Chuuya: I dont understand. I thought we were on the same page about kids. We talked about this.
Dazai: We did?
*flashback*
Chuuya: Aw, look at these pictures of Q and Elise.
Chuuya: *shows photos of the kids in a water park*
Dazai: Mm.
Chuuya: We should do this someday. What do you think?
Dazai: Are you kidding me? Of course!
*end of flashback*
Dazai: I was talking about going to the water park! You were talking about having kids???
Chuuya: Yeah! I said, "Do you think we can afford it?" and you said, "We'll start saving right away."
Dazai: So you mean, all that water park money I've been saving, you want to spend it on kids now?
Dazai: *has music loud while dancing in the middle of the office*
Kunikida, turning down the volume: Get back to work, now Dazai!
Dazai: How dare you, Iago, Backstabber?
Kunikida: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Dazai: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.
Kunikida: Are you sure you can handle it?
Dazai: Uh, well, let's see;
Dazai: Difficult, last-minute and crucial as hell.
Dazai: Meets all the Dazai criteria.
Chuuya: Dazai, I said that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been 5 seconds late to our date. Please say something.
Dazai: Karma's gonna track you down, step by step from town to town...
Chuuya: I-
Chuuya: Are you ready to commit?
Dazai: Like, a crime, a suicide or a relationship?
Chuuya: We all have our demons.
Chuuya: *grabs Dazai*
Chuuya: This is mine.
Dazai: Why do you seem to be so nervous around me lately?
Chuuya: I- it's just... I don't know. I guess I don't wanna say something wrong?
Dazai: Babe, I have a praise and a degradation kink. So whatever you say, it will somehow work for me.
Dazai: I don't know what I feel about chibi.
Natsume, in his cat form: You fucking spend all day and night thinking of ways to annoy him, you call him with pet names, he's your partner in crime, you trust him to save you every fucking time you're in death's door, he's the reason you don't wanna die anymore and you don't know how you feel? Please, for fuck sake, you love him.
Dazai:
Natsume: I mean— meaw.
Chuuya, pointing to his leather pants on the bed: Which one of these bottoms would look the best on me?
Kouyou: Well considering none of them are Dazai I would say none.
Chuuya:
Kouyou:
Chuuya, turning all red: The literal fuck?
Dazai, stumbling in through the window of Chuuya's room with a broken red rose in his mouth:
Chuuya, startled: What the fuck are you doing?
Dazai, falling on the floor: I’m trying to be romantic, shut up.