Demon: You'll run away if you're smart
Matthew: WELL I'M NOT!
Matthew: Running away I mean.
Matthew: I'm smart.
Teacher: Kit, I said the paper was suppose to be double spaced.
Kit: *oh shit* I was trying to save paper.
Teacher: The assignment was submitted online.
Kit:
Kit: True, but in order to break my habit of using a lot of paper in real life I have taken an oath to reduce the amount I use online as well.
The way that Emma nearly drowned and it turned Julian into a human GPS
matthew fairchild would call everyone bestie
i will respectfully be ignoring every “ave atque vale” post today bc will is literally alive idk wtf y’all are talking about
Kit, holding a baby carrot like a cigarette: I’m just… over it, you know?
Alec: FUCK THE CLAVE
Magnus, sighing: Honey, you ARE the clave
Imagine not praying to James Carstairs every night... couldn't be me 🙏🏼
Jem: Coca Cola can remove rust from metal, imagine what it can do to your body!
Kit: It gets rid of the rust
Jem: That’s not how it works…
Kit: Well, I’ve been drinking soda all my life and my body is rust free… not sure where you’re getting your facts from.
Will: Octopi could hug four people simultaneously, because Raziel bless them with the ability to do so. However, they don’t hug even one person because they made a covenant with the devil. Any questions?
Matthew, raising his hand: Where’s Lucie? I just wanted to visit her-
Will: In a better place, now sit down immediately.
Mugger: *points gun* Your money or your life
Julian: Sure thing
Julian: *hands him his ID* You got 5 siblings but you are more like a mom than an actual brother to them. Oh, and you're running a whole institute by yourself since you were 12.
Mugger: No, I mean-
Julian: *already grabbing Emma’s hand and running away* You’re late for Ty’s recital
Gabriel: I’m not going to fight with you!
Cecily: Why, because I’m a WOMAN?
Gabriel: No, because you’re scary
Cecily: Oh, alright
Christopher: Matthew, what’s a metaphor?
Matthew: “My life is a train wreck”
Christopher: I know, but what’s a metaphor?
Emma: Before you insult someone, walk a mile in their shoes, because then you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Diego: WHERE ARE MY SHOES?
Alastair: Date me
Thomas: What?
Alastair: I said… mate with me
Thomas: Excuse me?
Alastair: I said-
Thomas: You hate me
Alastair: Yes, that
Julian: *knocks on the door*
Mark: Who is there?
Julian: It’s me, Mark
Mark: Don’t lie to me, I am Mark!
Julian: *leaves without even opening the door*
Kit: Hey, hey, hey
Ghost!Will: Kit, stop it, I’m serious-
Kit: I’m dancing on your bridge!
Ghost!Will: Just listen
Kit: fuck yOU goat man!
*At the end of Chain of Gold*
Tatiana: THIS DEMON’S SPAWN BURNED MY HOUSE TO THE GROUND!
Lucie: What is HAPPENING?
Thomas: James’ getting served
Christopher: But I haven’t even ordered yet
Inquisitor Bridgestock: ORDER
Christopher: Uh, yeah, a Cheeseburger please!
Julian: In an emergency, a crayon will burn for 30 minutes.
Kit: How long do they burn if it’s not an emergency?
Will: I didn’t do it
Jem: Then why are you laughing?
Will: Because whoever did it is a freaking genius
Group: *arguing*
Will: Calm down, you idiots wanna hear my plan or not?
[silence]
Will: That’s what I thought. So, make suggestions.
Tessa: But we thought you had a plan?
Will: MY plan is to crowdsource a plan, now it’s your turn
Kidnapper: Did you order a pizza?
Simon: … maybe
Kidnapper: So, you found a phone and instead of calling someone for help, you ordered a pizza?
Simon: Are you mad that I used your card?
Kidnapper: You wHaT?
Belial: Hey! Wake up!
Matthew, sleepily: Huh?
Belial: I just murdered your whole entire family!
Matthew: But I live alone-
Belial: Huh- then who are those people in your house?
Matthew: There are people in mY HOUSE??
Belial: Well, not anymore, dumb bitch, you could’ve died, you’re welcome
James: *aggressively banging his stele against the desk*
Cordelia: Don’t be mean to the poor thing! How would you like it if I banged you against the desk?
James:
Cordelia:
James: I don’t know the right answer to that question.
Jem: Please, don’t make fun of me if I misuse outdated cultural references, okay? Are we cowabunga on this?
Kit, about to cry: Yeah, we’re cowabunga on this
Tessa, at the beginning of CA: The two of you have gone through a lot together. You really trust each other, don’t you?
Jem: Will likes to say he trusts me as far as he can throw me.
Will: It’s true!
Will: *grabbing Jem*
Jem: Wait-
Will: *yeets Jem full force across the room*
Will: It’s a joke of course, I can’t throw him far enough.
Will, narrowing his eyes: Yet
Elias: Alastair, I can give you things that last forever!
Alastair: You mean actual parental love?
Elias: I meant trauma
Ty: So as some of us know, Julian may appeal a little scary…
Kit: “A little”? That boy's a stone cold Slytherin
Will [every time he’s broke]: I’d be an amazing prostitute
Jace: you see, I just realized I have two ears so it’s a waste to listen to just one thing.
Alec: let me get this straight
Alec: you’ve only just realized you have two ears?