Tw Depressing Stuff - Blog Posts
Again
HEY PLEASE READ !!
if you guys AT ALL enjoy using the internet whether it's for news, entertainment, or communication purposes there is a bill floating around right now that has a good possibility of being passed that will influence the way we ALL use the internet. this bill is called KOSA and it presents itself as "kids online safety act" but in reality it is and will try to sensor SO much important information out there about LGBTQ+, POC communities, feminism and women's rights, and so much more. the bill targets mainly people under 17 but this bill will affect adults too. your favorite social media and websites will become highly cleansed from anything the government deems as "dangerous" to children online. one of the ways they are trying to ensure kids aren't accessing content that is "dangerous" enforces EVERYONE to upload private information or a photo of your ID to access social media apps and websites. IF YOU CARE AT ALL ABOUT PROTECTING FREE SPEACH ON THE INTERNET AND THE WAY WE USE IT TO COMMUNICATE PLEASE HELP ENSURE THAT THIS BILL DOES NOT PASS.
CALL YOUR REPRESENTATIVES AND SENATORS TO SHOE THAT YOU DO NOT SUPPORT THE KOSA BILL.
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“Do what you can, but nothing will take your pain away when you realize you're not truly loved by anyone.”
hearing your parents talk about future plans, knowing you probably won’t be here anymore
tw: self harm/sui$ide
I feel so worthless. Whenever I tell my parents about my $uicidal thoughts they just get mad at me or whenever she sees my cuts she yells at me and I just feel like i would be less of a burden on them if I died.
laying in bed at night knowing she doesn't miss me as much as i miss her
she doesn't cry every night, begging for it to end
she doesn't lash out at everyone around her because she's so upset and angry with the world
she isn't in therapy because we're not friends anymore
She doesn't want me back and she never will
shaving over my old scars feels so weird like blades of the razor are going over my scars without actually causing harm. does that make sense lol
can someone please tell me if the urge to relapse ever stops like when I'm 30 am I still going to be cutting myself 🙏🙏
Why am I like this? I didn't do anything I wanted to do today, but all I do is feeling sad again.
Why am I like this? I want to be blown away by the fall wind, but all i do is feeling sad again.
Why am I like this? I try to do things to get myself together, but all I do is feeling sad again.
Why am I like this? I lost so much time, meant to help me, but all I do is feeling sad again.
My dad wanted me aborted. Sometimes I'm sad he failed at that.
Hello lovelies. 💕
So I thought I'd take you down my mental health decline. Since i can't exactly tell my friends about it much. So- story timeeeeee.
But basically when I was 5-6 my dad started getting restrictive with food because no man wants a fat wife. And he would yell all the time and be mean so I sought comfort in food,but felt really guilty about eating anything. Especially since I'd sneak into the kitchen at night to have a snack,I stopped when he threatened to lock the kitchen up. I got caught up in binging from a young age,it wasn't I'm full, it was the comfort I craved. Like it was saying everything would be okay...but then the second I realised I swallowed it all and it was inside me it felt like the world could eat me alive.
Gradually I gained weight, everyone noticed... everyone said something. But everything stung when it came from my dad,I wanted his validation. He wanted perfection. Turning me into a perfectionist at the tender age of 6,I couldn't look at my body for too long always making sure I didn't look terrible. I guess you could say that's when the body dysmorphia began, I have an older sister who's naturally petite so that was the goal/standard. Just like her I needed to get good grades,be skinny,be quiet, be respectful. Know my place. It's only then that I could earn even the slightest bit of his love.
He kept fighting with my mom,so I ate,and ate and ate my stomach hurt not just because I was full but because It hurt to continue but I wanted to feel at ease.
At 7 in the first grade I was bullied,I was normal weight then they call me a fat oily cookie basically,too dark, fatty,piggy and well other cruel names. I had only one friend but she was a social butterfly while I was shy and quiet. She spent time with others while I ate lunch in the bathroom,I didn't want them to watch me eat. I felt humiliated. The few times I sat with people the
"are you gonna finish that?"
"look at piggy go"
"Ew with how big she is you'd think she'd slow down"
The comments came in from ages 7- from boys mostly,I cried and told my mom I didn't have friends and I was getting bullied. She told my dad and he went to the school and well that didn't help it got worse as I got slightly outcasted as a snitch/and a good two shoes that couldn't take a joke.
At 3rd grade I finally made a friend's,they were all skinny..and pretty I tried my best to fit in. Every adult around me kept mentioning I should lose weight, join spots etc. It really didn't help much with my confidence not that I had any to begin with,I was jealous of my friends. I just really...really wanted to be pretty yk?
At age 9 it got worse,I was already heavy and my sister would make me go on runs while chasing me with a stick so I could lose weight. But equally that's when the depression started settling in,I knew something was off persay because I wasn't happy. But I felt like I had to be happy for the sake of my mom and my friends. I didn't understand what was wrong with me,why was I so...sad. so I dived into food once more,it was my friend. I think that's also around the time when the first voice in my head started. It's rather strange hearing voices at such a young age, especially when one was telling me to kill myself and to keep eating because that's all I know how to do. When I was sad all I'd hear think about is food. In school the bullying became worse when to kids who didn't even know the term I suppose I became their "I don't wanna be like her" I wasn't pretty enough for anyone. I was fat. That's all they saw me as. At age 11 my friend told me about ditching a lunch box and instead taking money and buying food at school. So,I stopped taking food to school and instead I saved the money and didn't eat. I was never a "breakfast" girl it makes me nauseous, I wasn't having lunch. So everyday after school I'd eat dinner. My one meal a day but it was full lol making sure I ate for every second I missed out on.
My thoughts since I was 5 was good this and food that. My dad looked at me in disgust always telling me to lose weight because that's what men preferred. At age 12 I got a phone and searched up ways to lose weight,the bullying got really bad to say the least and I was getting desperate. Especially once I got a crush on a guy and he said
"why would I date or even like someone that big,I'm not into whales"
It broke my heart. I wanted to be pretty for him, I've always had fixations with certain foods but once again I found myself binging I couldn't control not eating my feelings. I tried the normal way working out and what not but it didn't work.
My sister would tease me saying I'd always be fat. For everyone it was harmless jabs but to me-...it was pent up frustration and the need to be..better to be perfect.
When I hit 13-14- my mom bought a scale. I was set,a work out routine and I found out about calories. I read about a guy offering to assist one with losing weight but the methods were questionable, but that didn't matter as long as I'd get skinny. That's when the second voice started,you need to be smaller- you need to be skinny no one will love you when you're so fat.
And it's all I would think about on a daily, I'd see my friends being skinny and I'd go home just to pinch my stomach,that's when I realised that I hate myself. I couldn't look in the mirror anymore without pure disgust. I came across a Wattpad book that offered tips on weightloss but extreme methods and they didn't seem too bad,the first time I went on a fast. I felt powerful,like I was in control for the first time,my emotions weren't leading me. I liked that feeling.
Then covid hit when when I was 14-15- and I found myself attracted to not eating at all. The idea of perfection ruled my life when every single second I thought about food. Things were getting bad with my dad and I wasn't coping, I started self harming in order to either get numb or just feel something.
Drink a cup of water every hour or 2-3 liters of water a day
I would unintentionally starve and I'd feel really..really good about it. Then I got on the scale and watching the numbers go down was euphoric, especially when my parents started noticing the weight loss they were..proud of me.
I wanted more,I made a calorie intake schedule basically Lol and it was 2000 - 3000 calories for 4 weeks. Nothing higher than 500 calories was allowed. I'd hear the rules in my mind almost like a game,if I did well I'd feel good and get praise,if I did bad I'd self harm.
Work out for an hour twice a day.
Eat before 5 pm
Dry fast from 8am until 3pm
I'd work out without water sometimes - because water is earned, it's a privilege. At 3pm I'd drink water in one sitting. Then I'd have foods that were allowed.
I called it the 💕 Perfection plan 💕
I started losing and fast, and I felt so good too. The voice in my head made feel good convincing me I was going great. But then the fighting started again and I'd have binge days, I got on Kik with other girls who introduced me to ana and eating disorders, and I told myself I don't have one I'm just losing weight. I'm different because I can stop whenever I want, I'm in control.
Things got harder at home with my dad and I found a coach I was 15 and he was 28ish,he offered to help me. Granted I knew better after multiple failed scams, he didn't want nudes,he just loves skinny girls and he took pleasure in knowing he helped them get there. He told me to carve his name into my thigh to prove my dedication, and he introduced me to purging. I didn't like it at first but I was desperate to lose more. He controlled what I ate,how long I worked out and what I did. I lost a good 10kg within a month or a month and a few weeks.
I got good at starving,my parents congratulated me. They celebrated me. Finally I was worth something.
But then shit hit the fan again, I lost touch with the coach and started binging I gained it all back. But I got addicted to purging,it didn't matter if I ate as long as it made its way out right?
After every meal,like clockwork I'd hear it.
"you ate too much,take it out"
And so I did. I cried because I couldn't stop the cycle,I didn't know how to fix myself. I wanted to fix me. My sister got me a gym membership but I get panic attacks going outside,the thought of being watched haunted me so I never used it.
I got sent to a psychiatrist after they found out I was self harming who diagnosed me with severe depression and anxiety. I didn't think mentioning my small Obsession with being perfect.
"she's a danger to herself and if you aren't careful you'll lose her"
The second I got the diagnosis I didn't feel relieved, I knew I had depression but it's him confirming it that just made it so...real. Almost like he was confirming my own worrys. That there was something actually wrong with me. My dad would call me useless and lazy and ungrateful why would I want to kill myself when I had a roof over my head?
My dad cried and told me he was a bad parent and maybe he should just kill himself if I was that miserable. They made sure I left the house in long sleeves because showing my scars brought shame to the family.
My need for control has always been there in small things such as cleaning a certain way,placing things in certain places, organising stuff was a heaven. I got treatment for depression but I couldn't mention anything else because my dad was in the room with us,how do I mention I have little interest in food when I'm overweight. How do I mention that my entire existence disgusts me- that I only eat out of obligation like it's a chore. That I need that control so I don't spiral.
I went a few times and just when I got comfortable in telling my doctor everything,a sense of security my dad pulled me from therapy saying to get over the phase.
My meds taken away which sent me into a deep depression being abruptly pulled off meds. At 16 I kept trying to lose weight but it would always come back I was almost there,but the binging came back all at once. I got bullied again, walking with my "guy best friend"...they called us beauty and the beast...he was beauty and I was the beast...or they'd call me Fiona from Shrek.
I got back into starving,the urge to be perfect consuming my everyday thoughts but I'd always turn to food yk. I didn't want it,I probably needed a hug but stuffing my face would do. When I turned 17 I thought damn...what's the point of trying if I'm gonna gain anyway. I gained once again getting to my highest weight 243,8 lbs.
I got really sick at 18 and was sent to a "camp" - for 7 months and I lost weight again getting to my lowest weight of 176,3 lbs. And I felt really good. My boy best friend ended up hurting me and I found out my lifes been a lie at 19 after failing my last year of highschool I went back to food. Because why was I trying to please someone that didn't care.
I'm 20 now. I know something is definitely wrong with me aside from depression. Do I have an eating disorder? I don't think I do, perhaps the denial is lovely enough to make me think what I'm doing to myself is normal. I don't like eating not just because of the guilt, but the way my head gets so loud when I do.
Me and my boyfriend just broke up and well it kinda wrecked me,maybe just maybe if I was skinny he'd want me.. maybe then he'd fight for me. I've hit a decline recently and Honestly I feel good about it. I never wanted recovery, because I didn't think I needed it. I'm not sick enough to complain. Call it delusional but it doesn't feel like I could have an ed being this big. But that's only referring to me not anyone else,so I'll basically be making this account my entire journey into turmoil. Like a YouTube channel lol but with words. I'm aware perfection doesn't exist but to me it does.
My stats are as follows.
Height weight- 5'5/ 164'7 cm
Highest weight - 243.8 lbs
Current weight- 218.2 lbs
Lowest weight- 176.3 lbs
Goal weight - 100lbs
I posted my goals list already. 🌸 this time I won't stop. I will be good enough even if it kills me. ♡ My 21st has to be perfect. I have to be perfect. And I will be.
TW: GORE, SELF HARM
Don't worry, I'm doing better now!
I need to connect with someone again, I swear I can be a good friend, I'm just too shy irl. I feel soo alone without someone how truly understands me
Boom, first post, Nene Tarot Card!
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I've been feeling a bit depressed for a while and it inspired me to draw this picture
Does anyone else feel lonesome?
Not lonely. Not alone. Just... lonesome. Like you don't feel connected to anyone. Like you never feel that you will find anyone that understands you, that will see you truly, let alone someone who will even like you. You see friends everywhere, but you don't see yourself in their place, like that is not for you, like you're not made for that and that's not made for you. You see people having fun and laughing and dancing and getting drunk and falling in love and you just... don't feel that for yourself. Like you're not supposed to have that, like you can't because it's not for you and you're not for it.
Like you're supposed to be seeing all these beautiful things in the world but not experience them yourself. Like you want to experience so much, experience everything, but be overwhelmed by it so you don't do any of it.
Like you want to be everywhere and do everything, but you don't belong anywhere and can't do anything. Like you're not supposed to be here. Not in a self-deprecating way but in an incongruous way. You want to live you want to be alive, but you feel you're not supposed to be. Not here at least, not like this. Just a presence in the world, not an active member of it. Even your body doesn't feel like home, your face isn't a face you recognise, like you're not supposed to have either. Like you're just supposed to be.
Like you're supposed to observe, but not experience.
I'm so sick of feeling erased. I just want to be ok
being iced tf out by people who ‘care’ and ‘love me’ and ‘understand me’ even though they don’t care to see that i’m literally at the lowest point of my life!!!
fake ass mfs made a whole separate gc to chat shit about me when i’m currently sitting in my bathroom wondering how many cvts i deserve today
all these expectations. fuck you and fuck everyone else.
do what i want!!
no do what i want!!
nah bro what about what i fucking want. i can’t deal with this anymore. every outcome just ends up with me wanting to slice my wrists open, hang myself from the ceiling, jump from a bridge and EVEN THEN none of you would care.
“we didn’t even notice” man stfu i’m clearly losing my fucking mind and HAVE BEEN FOR YEARS.
lord just let this end, please. i’m begging with everything i have. please.
i’m such an unlovable piece of shit but god please just let me feel loved just one last time before the silence
will you notice my fat rolls if i split my wrists open and bleed out in the bathtub???
“Feel it. The thing that you don’t want to feel. Feel it, be free and let it go.”
— (via officialaudreykitching)