Lilac skies
Fading into snow sprinkled mountains
Soft winds
Making their way up the valley
The smell after rain
Blessing my lungs as I slowly breathe
In the middle of nowhere
As if I were the only person on this planet
And as I am standing here
Admiring the world we live in
Finding beauty in every single piece of nature
Surrounded by countless little wonders
All I can think about
Is you
~ honestlywhatfor ~
I don’t know what it is about you
That makes you sabotage it every single time
Ripping craters into earth
Opening gates to what might be called hell
Standing on the edge, balanced
Grabbing my hand
Jumping
Clamped together
I never wanted to fall
Life on the edge was great
But again and again
You need us to hurt
So here we are
Falling
and falling
and falling
and falling
~ honestlywhatfor ~
We love each other
neither one of us wants to admit it, but
in the weirdest way possible
we love each other
~ honestlywhatfor ~
One minute in your arms can make me forget all my doubts.
A power I never wanted you to have.
~ honestlywhatfor ~
Trust is a fragile piece of paper
And you seem to have a hole puncher in your back pocket at all times
A lighter at hand as well
Punching, ripping, burning my once whole paper
Leaving me with a sad little snippet
A little crumpled up, even after a lot of smoothing
There’s this pathetic peace of paper I’m holding onto
It’s not much
And it won’t last forever
But I won’t give up
Because I can still read the words
Scrawled in your handwriting
“I love you”
Trust is a fragile piece of paper
And as long as it’s marked by you
My pitiful peace of paper
Will stay with me
At all times
Cried on my way to work today
Screaming empowering songs in the car but not feeling them
Yesterday was one of the harder days
I lost you...again
And no matter how many times we’ve already been through this, the pain never lessened
24 hours, from “Hey we should be spending more time together” to “We should end things here, I can’t do this no more”
World? Crushed
Heart? Broken
Again and again and again
Loving you ruins me
But
I
Just
Can’t
Stop
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
I don’t know how we reached the point that your apartment feels like home
Your bed sheets smell like me
There are shirts specifically chosen for me to put on at night when I’m coming over
Your fridge stores my favorite foods
Your shower gel is the one I once left there
I’m laying in your bed right now,
You’re at work already, your alarm always wakes me up first, but I rarely stay awake until you’re out the door
I feel at home here
You’re my home
But we don’t even consider each other dating
We’re just us
Complicated
But nevertheless addicted
Panic attacks at night
Swollen eyes, crusty lips
Fear of existence
Coating my red face in tears
Shivers shaking my body
I’m a loser
“Come here”
Sudden relaxation
My hand clinging to the pocket on the front of your hoodie
“It’s okay, don’t worry”
Forehead kisses
Careful strokes over my back
Calming my breath
“I’m sorry”
“For what?”
“Dragging you into this mess”
“I don’t mind your mess, I’m here to reorganize”
I radiate light
I am sunshine
So please stop trying to tell me
That I need you
When I surely know
You always dimmed my light
So others wouldn’t see my glory
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
Happiness over relationships,
forever from now on
~ honestlywhatfor
And again
I am surprised
about how much
a person
can feel like home
even though
they once
made coming home
the worst part about your day
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
I don’t miss you
I miss the way we were when we were together
I miss being held
I miss being loved
I miss having a “us”
But not us in particular
Because we were wrong in so many ways
So no, I don’t miss you
I just miss having a you
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
Our story could fill a whole trilogy. But I’d never write it down because some things need to be left unsaid. Now gathering dust in the shelves our lives are made of.
I have drafts of poetry in my phone I won’t ever finish
Words I started writing when times were different
I won’t ever get to finish them because everything turned out different than the thoughts of the past anticipated it
Not better, not worse
But different
So I now have drafts of poetry in my phone that I can’t finish
Because out of all the “what ifs”, fate chose the one I was most scared of
And the words that were written in the past are to delicate to be burdened by destiny’s cruel choices of today
It’s your birthday
I’ve feared this day for the past month
This night I woke up 8 times, thinking I forgot to tell you happy birthday as the first person on this special day like I always did, followed by a tight hug and a sweet kiss
Just to remember that you wouldn’t even answer the phone now if you’d see my name on the screen
And I’m hurt
Because I do wish you nothing but the happiest birthday ever, but I know I’m no longer part of it and I would ruin your day by saying hi
Happy birthday my love
May this year bring nothing but brightness to you
And maybe you’ll never quite understand what you did to me
And maybe I’ll have to live with that
And maybe...just maybe,
That will be okay
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
Karma will handle it for me
You keep switching between me and her.
Try thinking about others for once.
We’re humans as well and your behavior towards us is nothing but inhumane.
Go fuck yourself.
Silence.
5 weeks of total silence. Nothing but our friends telling me that you don’t want to see me, telling me about how you turned right around, the second you heard I’d come too and went back home.
I felt stupid. Uncomfortable, since you brought me there first and now I’m the one keeping you away from this place that was once ours.
Sad, angry, desperate for explanation. Why are you acting as if I was the one who messed up. I did nothing but show you love. Making you laugh in moments of sadness, sharing moments of true happiness, bringing you comfort after a busy day at work.
And damn did I try hard.
And damn did it hurt to fall back into reality, losing hold on cloud nine. Free fall. Hitting rock bottom.
Broken, but still looking after you from afar. Now watching her settle on the cloud that was ours, her making you smile.
I’m crying down here watching you two fly high, reaching cloud nine. But as long as I can see your smile, I’ll stay on the cold ground.
Ready to catch you, the moment you might fall.
Yes
I feel stranded
on a lonely island in the middle of nowhere
nothing but the tide
that keeps me alive
day after day
wave after wave
Yes
I feel lost
in space where darkness is everything
stars flying by gifting me wishes
that may never come true
knowing my only wish
will forever be you
Yes
I feel overlooked
in the middle of a field, branches twelve feet high
beetles crawling side by side
fearing getting crushed by them
missing the safety
of your arms around me
Yes
I feel love
wherever I am, no matter the time
it’s stroking my side
there’s no place to hide
it’s my true love for you
I just wish that you knew
Yes
I really do
~honestlywhatfor
I wish I were Heather. That’s not her name but now everyone knows what I mean since Conan Gray explained it to us.
I wish I were her. Not only because she is one of the prettiest human beings I’ve ever seen and not because she is just as nice as an angel and vibes positivity, but because someone told me how you are feeling about her.
“He’s in love with her.” I guess that sentence will reverberate in my mind for quite some time. I still remember feeling the sadness crawling up my throat and stopping me from breathing. Gasping as the pain slowly sunk into my bones. That’s where it’s still sitting right now.
I wish I were her. Not only because she is closer to your age and she has already been friends with the people you hang out with before they even knew me and not because she lives closer to town so you somehow always end up at hers whenever you don’t have a ride home, but because I feel you drifting away from me while you seem to be getting closer to her.
I know you love me. Your brother basically tried to tattoo that onto my forehead because he knows how much I doubt it sometimes and how easy it is for me to put myself down. But I don’t think you know it.
What you know is that your sisters love me. The little one begging the older one to convince you to marry me one day and the older one telling me, smiling and nodding her head, that she can see it as well and she is praying that you won’t fuck it up. You know that.
You know that your brother loves me. Not as much as your ex, but “super fucking close” as he always says. I get it, he’s best friends with her so I totally get it. And I am thankful for your brother because he is the mental support I need whenever I feel stuck with our situation. He’ll tell me you love me, he’ll tell me your family loves me and he’ll tell me that he loves me most. Because he likes the you that you are when I’m around and he thanks me for making you happy again after such a dark time in your life.
And as much as they tell me that you love me I still wish I were her. Because as much as I loved seeing how happy you are with me, the more it breaks my heart to see how your eyes sparkle around her.
I loved building you up and I loved how you helped me to build up myself again, but I guess it’s her turn now. She gets what I built.
That’s why I wish I were her.
...
...
And to add something that fits with Conan Grays song a little bit more: I once took your sweater when you gave me your keys to go get the wine and when I came back and you saw me in your sweater, you said I looked like the smallest bean you’ve ever seen and threw me over your shoulder. We laughed. We were happy...You never gave her your sweater, the one you left me was cotton, not polyester. I still wish I were Heather.
Last week I was at a classmates funeral. Everything about it seemed wrong. She just turned 18 three weeks ago, therefore being way too young to leave this world and as I stood at her open grave, looking down at the bright wooden coffin her dainty body was in, imagining her just sleeping inside, I felt like I’m living my life the wrong way.
In that moment everything seemed so important to me. Because standing there, watching her older sister break down in tears, filled my heart with so much fear of not only dying but losing people I love before I had the chance to tell them everything I wanted them to know and spending as much time together as possible.
In that moment I wanted to call both my parents and tell them I loved them.
I wanted to wrap my arms around every single one of my friends and thank them for the best memories ever.
I wanted to tell my favourite teachers how much they inspired me and helped to create a new version, a better one, of me throughout the past years.
I wanted to make sure my brother knew that he has always been my favourite person on this planet no matter how hard we had fought in the past.
I wanted to show up at this particular boy’s door and just kiss him and thank him for slowly putting back all the pieces of my broken heart another one had left me alone with.
I wanted to be fearless. To be brave enough to just do whatever I felt like. To stop caring about what others might think of me and do whatever my heart desired.
I wanted to make every single minute of my life count, because I realized how fast everything might fall apart.
RIP Leo,
forever loved.
I’m a person that falls in love easily.
I’ve fallen for the boy on the bus that always saved me a seat in the morning. I’ve fallen for the guy that drove me around town on the back of his motor cycle. I’ve fallen for a boy who just kept texting me whenever he felt like it. It took me about 2 seconds to fall in love with my ex. The list seems endless.
I never really liked that about myself, I felt naive and vulnerable and everyone else seemed to notice it as well.
But now there’s this guy. He would save me a seat on every bus we’d ever get on, he drives me around whenever I ask him to and he keeps texting me, telling me that he just thought of me and wished I’d be with him right now. And god is he wholesome.
And god do I hate myself for not falling in love with him.
They are so different, yet I‘ve loved them both. One irascible like a wildfire, the other as calm as falling snowflakes. With one I felt like I could conquer the world, nothing would stop us and still I’ve fallen for a man with whom we would build up a peaceful new world ourselves. Arguments or silence, angry tears or sad ones? “I love you”, they both said but were showing it completely different. Soothing and sweet or loud yet effective? Rebellious or settled? Fire or Ice? Ice or Fire? I don’t see it.
They are so different, yet I’ve loved them both. But one I can say: neither of them loved me right.
I’m laying here, awake. It’s the middle of the night and I don’t know how but I thought I heard your voice and so I woke up. Now I’m laying here, thinking. I don’t even know what it is about you, my heart loves so much. You’re great, but I don’t see why my heart thinks it’s okay to get broken day by day, instead of just letting go. I’m laying here, dreaming. Not of anything that has happened, but of everything that could still occur. Anything good, nothing of the bad stuff has a place in my dreams. At least not in the ones I’m dreaming when I’m awake. I’m awake, thinking and dreaming. I guess you’re asleep not dreaming about anything particular and when you wake up, your mind is clear. Maybe one day you’ll wake up and notice everything I’ve done for you and what you ignorant prick have put me through. But until then, sweet dreams L.
„I‘m lonely, you know.“ I slowly sank back into the grass and looked up into the sky, filled with stars shining down at us. - „I don’t see the problem, honey. Just go up to him and tell him how you feel. To be honest I‘ve experienced that I’ve never really noticed someone in that way until they came up to me and I realized that they’d be a perfect match.” - “But you’re different, people wanna be noticed by you.” - “Honey, you’re worth so much more than you think. I swear this guy over there is the luckiest man alive, and the only problem is-“ - “The only problem is that he doesn’t know yet.”
I miss you since the last time we spoke. I wish I could bury my head into your hoodie and get one of these hugs I’ve been missing so dearly. I wish I could see your smile, knowing that I’m the person who made you laugh...
There’s so much that I’m wishing for in the moment, but I just want you to know that every single wish that appears in my head is
only
about
you
It was cold out, everyone was drunk. I fell asleep on your shoulder, you let me. I wrapped my arms around your left one to keep myself from falling, you let me. They left and went to his house. We stayed. You woke me up, let’s go to the fireplace, you said. And we went, my arms still around you. Half the city watched the burning flames, celebrating nobody knows what. Warm colored reflections on your skin, flames in your eyes, smile on your face. I loved watching you like that. You turned your head to me, said something, blushed and looked away again. I wish I would still remember what you said. My eyes got heavy and I put my head on your shoulder again, you let me. You kept me from falling, always keeping an eye on me. You held on tighter to me as everyone started singing, still celebrating nobody knows what. I loved watching your lips move as you silently sang with em. You laid you head on top of mine, perfect height, you said and we both chuckled. Exactly one head taller, they said and watched us with sparks in their eyes. I loved being there with you. I told you about my thoughts on your friends and you nodded and told me about what you thought about mine. Us two being the only connection between the groups. I loved being the person you let inside your head for a second. I loved being by your side. I loved being me in these exact moments, because that meant having you right next to me. I loved your little laughs. I loved your kisses on the head. I loved your arms around me. I loved watching the flames slowly dancing with you. I loved everything about that night. But it ended, and I for sure didn’t love that. I wanted to tell you everything I loved about this night and how much I didn’t want it to end. And still, to this day, I wish I would’ve said it.
I hate that it’s always me who starts the conversation, it’s always my part to show interest and then you just follow up later. I hate that I have to text you first every time and only then you’ll remember that you wanted to talk to me. I hate that it seems like everyone knows you better than me. I hate that you don’t remember what we talked about even though we both had the best of our times. I hate that your friends don’t get along with mine. I hate that my parents always ask about you and then I realize there is nothing I can tell them about that really matters. I hate that I can’t stop looking at you. I hate that you cant even smile at me when your friends are around. I hate that we only connect when we’re drunk. I hate that I can almost remember every single word you said to me since we met. I hate that I can’t stop thinking about you. I hate that I dream of you every single night. I hate that you’re the first thing I think of when I open my eyes in the morning. I hate that my heart starts beating faster whenever I think of you. I hate that I can’t stop smiling for a week when you are nice to me for once. I hate that you are nice to me sometimes. I hate that you can’t make up your mind. I hate that I don’t get it. I hate that I recognize your voice through hundreds of people speaking. I hate that my favorite color reminds me of you. I hate that your smell will forever be stuck in my mind. I hate that you drive extra safely whenever I’m on the back of your motor circle. I hate that you hurt me over and over again by flirting with other people. I hate that I can’t live a day without the thought of you. I hate that I get rosy cheeks whenever someone mentions your name. I hate that I can’t control my fingers shaking when I type a message into our chat. I hate the way I feel about you. I hate that I’m in love with you. And I hate that there is no sign that you love me too.