Sorry For Being Depressing - Blog Posts

I wish I had a best friend.

I wish I had a best friend but I can't tell anyone that because I have so many amazing friends.

But all of my amazing friends have best friends and significant others and they all have that one person who they put above everyone else and who puts them above everyone else too.

And it's not me.

And I wish I had a best friend.

No one talks about how lonely it is to be the third wheel in a friendship. Or the 11th wheel in a friend group

The people I consider myself closest to are best friends. They celebrated one of their birthdays without me.

I wished her a happy birthday and told her I missed her. She's in college, i haven't seen her since she graduated. She said she missed me too. But she didn't invite me to her party.

I wonder sometimes if my friends even like me. But then I remember that's silly. I know they love me. I guess they just don't love me as much as they love each other.

And God i know it has nothing to do with me. You can't control who you connect with. But for once I just wish it would be me!

Am I too much? Am I a pick me for wanting to be picked?

What's so wrong with wanting to be wanted?

“Do what you can, but nothing will take your pain away when you realize you're not truly loved by anyone.”

I'm sorry for being who i am

Talking about healing-

I see rarely people talk about how wrong it feels to let yourself getting healed, getting help. it is not wrong at all of course, its good.

But it feels wrong.

Like, its hard to explain. Speaking for me, i struggle with myself (as far as I remember) since i am 6/7 and it only got worser.

And now you wanna tell me i can drop most of it?

Something inside me doesn't believe I can be happy. I can't find things that makes me happy for longer than a hour, max a day.

Something inside me doesn't want to.

Because i found to much comfort in my own suffering. The only thing that always was with me, that never left, are the feelings that came with my mental illnesses.

I just don't understand how i am supposed to feel like. To think like.

I want to heal myself, to get better, be better for persons around me. I want to learn to control my bpd.

But I am really scared.

In my annual depression crying rn

Why am I like this? I didn't do anything I wanted to do today, but all I do is feeling sad again.

Why am I like this? I want to be blown away by the fall wind, but all i do is feeling sad again.

Why am I like this? I try to do things to get myself together, but all I do is feeling sad again.

Why am I like this? I lost so much time, meant to help me, but all I do is feeling sad again.

Time for me to get personal, these past two months are some of the worst months in my four years of high-school. Hell not even that, all of my four years were shitty. Freshman year was trashy, I dont remember anything from Sophmore year (thx c0víd), Junior year was just... no, and now my Senior year is already off to a bad start. And on top of that, my urge to meet new ppl is hanuting me again. Like I definitely show signs of social anxiety (although I don't wanna self diagnose myself) and for my entire life, meeting new people is a struggle. And no not the "I hAtE tALkiNG tO lArGe CrOwDs" or "I HaTe pEoPLe" shit. I actually mean I physically cannot talk to people, whether it's a large or small group. Fuck I can't talk to another person unless they do it first, and even then I can't hold a convo for more than three seconds. And don't get me started with crushes. Never had a significant other. Ever. And the last time I caught feelings, he thought I was a creep. I'm literally months away from being legal and if I cannot talk to or ask people abt anything then this'll be the death of me.

i want to be hugged.

i want someone to stroke my hair.

i want someone to tell me they’re proud of me.

i want someone to hold my hand in public.

i want someone to tell me everything’s gonna be okay.

i want someone to softly caress my skin.

i want someone to teach me their hobbies.

i want someone to explain to me stuff i don’t understand.

i want someone to give me forehead kisses.

i just want to feel safe, for once.

someday

happiness isn't something i get often and more than likely I'm sad or empty feel on the inside sometimes i feel like make i just don't deserve happiness. then i see my cat doing random shit and i remember that one day, someday, i'll feel happy too

I need to connect with someone again, I swear I can be a good friend, I'm just too shy irl. I feel soo alone without someone how truly understands me

and not to keep going on about this but I had a mate give me a suggestion of something I could take to make it easier and calm my anxiety and of course I didn't say it to his face or deliberately be a dick or anything but how do I explain that it's not just anxiety, it's everything. it's the loud noises, it's constant hot then cold then hot then cold, it's the fact that carrying baggage just drains me, the fact I feel restricted by the multiple layers I have on to save bag space, the fact that I always feel scared something's gonna go wrong, it's the feeling in my head and body when actually getting up into the air and landing. it's everything. and I know a lot of this could be solved if I just took better precautions or whatever but it right now in this moment it makes me want to burst into tears and throw up and will continue like that until I'm home. I just hate flying.

I am once again reminded why I loathe flying with basically my entire being. it's such an awful experience and I struggle with it so so much. it doesn't help that the last time I flew, it was one of the most awful experiences flying I've had and has left me with lingering memories and flashes that always make me want to burst into tears every time I remember. there's no real point to this, just that I hate flying, it absolutely fucking sucks and I can't wait til I get home so I can burst into tears, hug my family, pet my cat, eat a homecooked meal and pass out for the following 72 hrs. fuck flying. :(((

I am once again reminded why I loathe flying with basically my entire being. it's such an awful experience and I struggle with it so so much. it doesn't help that the last time I flew, it was one of the most awful experiences flying I've had and has left me with lingering memories and flashes that always make me want to burst into tears every time I remember. there's no real point to this, just that I hate flying, it absolutely fucking sucks and I can't wait til I get home so I can burst into tears, hug my family, pet my cat, eat a homecooked meal and pass out for the following 72 hrs. fuck flying. :(((

Little more serious post/rant today. Sorry it’s so long, I don’t feel like doing a TLDR. If you don’t want to read about mental health struggles skip this post. Hope to return to goofy dumb stuff soon.

Dealing with heartbreak sucks. I’m not a perfect person but being lied to and feeling like no one gives a crap because you’re a flawed and broken person trying to be as good as possible is one of the worst things in the world, especially when they then continue to act like nothings wrong.

What makes it worse is when I’m not entirely sure what all exactly I did wrong. I know of a few things that I’ve been working on since finding out, but I was never really given a reason as to why it all fell apart. I don’t know if it was all my fault or not and I hate that. Like I’m a deeply empathetic person and care about what those I care about think and feel. I want them to be happy. And if I make them unhappy I want to know why so I can improve myself in areas I may be lacking.

I mean, they’re my friends, family, or other loved ones. The people whose opinions I care about. But with being autistic it’s really hard to not be a people-pleaser sometimes, and sometimes I just want things to go back to how they were. But they aren’t going to and so I want to try to be better. When that’s not feasible for any reason, whether because I’m too dumb to figure out how, or people just won’t tell me what I did wrong, or whatever, it hurts like hell.

I’ve spent a good chunk of my life so far living through a personal Hell, and the only things keeping me sane is a loving family and a good therapist. I’ve been blessed with great parents, though often times they don’t know how to help. My therapist has told me that I need friends. The thing is, my friends rarely speak to me anymore, they’re always busy, and care more about their friends at college or at work. They’ve all moved on in their lives, and seem to have completely forgotten about me. And yet I can’t help but still care about them.

I live each day with crippling pain and intense loneliness and it feels like nothing ever changes socially. I can grow and improve myself all I want, but that won’t make people like me or even remember me. Because at the end of the day, I’m still an autistic, depressed freak of nature that the world and society aren’t made for. And I’ve got to live with that every day. Sometimes I grow so tired of it that I wish I was different so that I could feel accepted and wanted. So that I can feel worthy of being loved by someone else.

Oftentimes, as I’m doing things I enjoy by myself, I feel like I’d be happier spending my time with someone else. But no one cares enough to do that. Not anymore anyway. They’ve all got lives and I’m stuck unable to work while waiting for school to start. Life is lonely. One of my favorite songs, At the Risk of Feeling Dumb has the lines “At the risk of feeling dumb, check in / it’s not worth the risk of losing a friend” I wish I was worthy enough of a friend for people to check in from time to time.

But to be honest, I’ve lived this long without it, that at this point it feels like a luxury just out of my reach. There was a time I really really needed it, and didn’t receive it, and yet I’m still here. Somehow I made it on my own. I know I’m capable of doing it all on my own, but I don’t want that. I want other people to be around. I want them to want me around. And right now that’s just not really a possibility.

I’m so tired. I woke up this morning feeling really freaking depressed, and getting this all out of my head onto the one site where no one knows who I am (except of course for one person), and where next to no one reads this blog of mine, feels good.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Have a good day because you deserve it. I hope to have a more goofy, fun post out either later today or sometime tomorrow.

THE LAST OF US SPOILERS AHEAD

are u kidding me 😭😭

the ONE tv adaptation that wants to actually stay true to the source material and it has to be this one ??? 😭😭😭 NOOOOO

Hellooo, I'm back.

Feeling kinda weird and ashamed looking at all my old posts. Not sure if it's because I don't know if I'm that same person anymore, or if it's because I'm just getting too good at burying my feelings.

Oh well, I just took a shot LOL. About to take another one because I'm bored, and why not?

(P.S. If anyone's willing to be friends or at least have a friendly chat about mutual interests, I'm down. Not in a sad-and-I-want-to-trauma-dump- kinda way. I just want a friend, TBH.)

combating my depression one jar of maraschino cherries at a time

i reflected on myself a lot today

ive come to the realization that i am a walking contradiction

if i just thought before i spoke i would save myself so much stress

"just think before you speak," i tell myself

how can i think before speaking if i have nothing in my brain to think with

i have never had a thought before in my life

everyday is empty thoughts and meaningless talk

i am not here

i havent been for a while

im sitting naked on my floor

smoking and listening to music

and this is the most at peace

i have felt in a while

i want to just be with someone.

to just hold hands in silence and feel each others presence.

to just stare into each others eyes and understand what the others saying without having to say a word.

to be comfortable in the silence.

simply just because we dont need to fill it.

to just be beings by ourselves with each other.

to just be us.

~ s.c.

depression makes everything feel so grey. the color has been sucked out of me & my world.

I've been feeling a bit depressed for a while and it inspired me to draw this picture

📜🖋🍂

Once upon a time there was a girl,

She didn't like who she was.

She didn't like the way she looked,

She didn't like the way she behaved,

She didn't like the way she thought.

She was always imperfect for her.

Once upon a time there was a girl,

Who always wanted to be someone else and would have given anything to make this happen,

Because in her skin she felt invisible, unappreciated, unloved.

This may have changed if she had accepted the love of others justly,

But she couldn't,

It was hard for her because she didn't love herself,

And the love from others seemed unfair to her to have.

Once upon a time there was a girl,

Who only had one friend.

She felt at home when she was with her,

But they haven't seen each other in months,

And remote communication was hard to maintain.

When she was alone it was a torment.

At that moment all thoughts rushed creating unreal worries but he could not escape:

"What if you did the wrong thing?"

"You're not good enough."

"The people you passed by earlier started laughing ... they were laughing at you."

"You look horrible!"

All this was like a rising water.

She felt like she was drowning.

Needing to breathe, her subconscious told her to take a deep breath, a thought she struggled with because you couldn't breathe underwater.

She felt trapped, her own prisoner, and there was nothing she could do about it.

Once upon a time there was a girl,

Who forgot how to love,

She forgot the feeling of being in love.

She forgot how to love love.

She was afraid to fall in love,

She was afraid to love.

That's why she kept the world at bay and moved away from everyone.

She felt like she was building a wall between herself and the others.

She didn't feel sad, but she wasn't happy either.

All she felt was security.

She wished she could feel those butterflies in her stomach,

But at the same time, she was terrified of the idea.

She wished she could feel the warmth of someone next to her,

But at the same time she liked the coolness in which she found himself.

She was lost in a maze of her emotions and didn't want to shoot anyone with her,

That's why she drove everyone away.

For her, love was like a new universe, and no matter how much she wanted to explore it, she was too afraid.

Once upon a time there was a girl,

Which wherever she was she did not feel at home.

She wanted to go home,

But she didn't feel at home at home either.

Wherever she was, she felt like a stranger,

A tourist in a space that does not deserve to be, surrounded by critical looks that judged her every move.

She wanted a place for her, but she couldn't find it;

She wanted to feel safe, but she didn't feel;

She wanted a house, but she didn't have one.

The only place that was closest to "home" was the place he saw only in his imagination,

Where she felt safe,

Where she was the person she always wanted to be.

But it hurt.

The feeling she had when she returned to reality hurt;

Sadness, anger, disappointment,

It all overwhelmed her and made her feel like she was drowning again,

Until she took it from the beginning again, imagining.

It was like a drug.

The most beautiful and painful drug the girl could not part with no matter how hard she tried.

And she knows that because she tried,

But she couldn't.

She was always pulled back by the awful feeling of peace, tranquility, security ... at home.

Once upon a time there was a girl,

Who needed help ...

But he didn't know who to ask.

Ok, so, I am sorry if my english is bad. It's my second language, but anyway here is the version written in my language:

A fost odată o fată,

Ei nu îi plăcea cine era.

Nu îi placea cum arăta, nu îi plăcea cum se comporta, nu îi plăcea cum gândea.

Pentru ea a fost mereu imperfectă.

A fost odată o fată,

Care mereu și-a dorit să fie altcineva și ar fi dat orice pentru ca acest lucru să se fi întâmplat,

Pentru că în pielea ei se simțea invizibilă, neapreciată, neiubită.

Acest lucru poate s-ar fi schimbat dacă ar fi acceptat iubea celorlalți din just,

Dar nu putea,

Îi era greu deoarece nu se iubea pe ea insăşi,

Iar dragostea din partea celorlalți I se părea nedrept pentru a o avea.

A fost odată o fată,

Care avea doar o prietenă.

Se simțea acasă când era cu ea,

Dar nu s-au mai văzut de luni întregi,

Iar comunicarea de la distanță era un lucru greu de menținut.

Când era singură era un chin.

În acel moment toate gândurile năvăleau creând griji ireale dar de care nu putea scăpa:

"Dacă ai făcut acel lucru greşit?"

"Nu eşti suficient de bună."

"Persoanele pe lângă care ai trecut mai devreme au început să râdă...râdeau de tine."

"Arăți oribil!"

Toate acestea erau ca o apă în continuă creșterea.

Simțea că se îneacă.

Având nevoie să respire subconştientul ei îi spunea să tragă o gură de aer, gând cu care se lupta deoarece nu poți respira sub apă.

Se simțea blocată, propria prizonieră și nu putea face nimic în legătură cu asta.

A fost odată o fată,

Care a uitat cum se iubeşte,

A uitat sentimentul de a fi indrăgostit.

A uitat cum să iubească iubirea.

Îi era frică a se indrăgosti,

Îi era frică a iubi.

De aceea ținea lumea la distanță și se indepărta de toți.

Simțea ca și cum construia un zid între ea și ceilalți.

Nu se simțea tristă dar nu era nici fericită.

Tot ce simțea era siguranță.

Ea și-ar fi dorit să simtă acei fluturi în stomac,

Dar în același timp era inspăimântată de idee.

Și-ar fi dorit să simtă căldura cuiva lângă ea,

Dar în același timp îi plăcea răcoarea în care se afla.

Era pierdută într-un labirint al emotiilor ei și nu dorea să tragă pe nimeni alături de ea,

De aceea îndeparta pe toată lumea.

Pentru ea iubirea era ca un univers nou și oricât de mult și-ar fi dorit să îl exploreze îi era mult prea teamă.

A fost odată o fată,

Care oriunde se afla nu se simțea acasă.

Dorea să meargă acasă,

Dar nici acasă nu se mai simțea acasă.

În orice loc în care se afla se simțea străină,

Un turist pe un spațiu care nu I se cuvine înconjurat de priviri critice care îi judecau fiecare mişcare.

Își dorea un loc al ei, dar nu îl putea găsi;

Dorea să se simtă în siguranță, dar nu se simțea;

Ar fi vrut o casă, dar nu o avea.

Singurul loc care era cel mai apropiat de "acasă" era locul pe care îl vedea doar în imaginația sa,

Acolo unde se simțea în siguranță,

Acolo unde era persoana care și-ar fi dorit din totdeauna să fie.

Dar durea.

Durea sentimentul pe care îl avea atunci când se întorcea la realitate;

Tristețea, furia, dezamăgirea,

Toate o copleşeau și o făceau din nou să se simtă ca și cum s-ar îneca,

Până când o lua iar de la capăt, imaginându-şi.

Era ca un drog.

Cel mai frumos și dureros drog de care fata nu se putea despărții oricât ar fi încercat.

Și ea știe asta pentru că a încercat,

Dar nu a putut.

Era mereu trasă înapoi de îngrozitorul de frumos sentiment de pace, linişte, siguranță...acasă.

A fost odată o fată,

Care avea nevoie de ajutor...

Dar nu știa cui să il ceară.

Bird Cage

For once, I felt free. I felt the sky. I felt the clouds. I felt the grass gently swaying at my feet. I felt as if I weighed nothing. I felt as if I was one with the flowers, dancing in the gentle wind. My eyes slowly gaze upon the sky, slowly my dopamine left my body. My hair swayed in the wind as I looked at the steel cage that awaited me. I step away from my freedom and slowly enter my bird cage. Although, it felt like a bear trap that I’ll never leave. Unless he desired me to, I stepped inside and felt my heart, liberty, and my dopamine left as quickly as it came.

Prodigy of 7

I am a broken burnt out child prodigy I could speak a mile a minute Words were my freedom My liberty

My tongue was cut when I was 7 My heart was burning with the anger and disappointment of a million My mother My father My friends My teachers

Too many people thought me to be "brave" "intelligent" "independent" "strong"

Yet all along I was "Afraid" "Alone" "Fragile"

I was never independent I thought I couldn't rely on anyone I thought I was alone

This must have been why I tried so hard on my grades This must have been why I crashed one too many times

I am a burnt out and broken child prodigy I was...

Some bloomed in the same loneliness

that mutilated others.

Permanent Holes.

Mirrors lie, outlining shapes that mean nothing.

Mirrors horrify, penetrating into brains and forming unrealistic images.

Mirrors, they influence us into beings that burden us to be and after the energies put into the transformation

a deeper hole is drilled in us instead realizing that it needs not a mirror to clearly see our portraits leaving us as nothings and as people of no belonging.

@lifepath25

I'm so sick of feeling erased. I just want to be ok