Trauma - Blog Posts
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trauma!!!
yall think that to catch your parents having sex is is traumatic? I just went to the bathroom and there was my dad!!! in the shower!!! Ugh, I don’t think that I will ever forget it 😨😬😖
So, this was my morning. How about you? 😅😉😘
Post-tartarus Percy and Annabeth and even post tartarus Nico weren't written well at all. Tartarus makes them manic, always on edge, jumpy. This is PTSD and it doesn't just go away. Not to mention, they lost Bob and Damasen.
Yes, sure, one could argue there weren't many opportunities for Rick to explore how Tartarus changed Percy in Heroes of Olympus series. There still should have been mentions.
Rick focused on Bob and Damasen part for a bit and then never again. It's like after Tartarus arc, Percy and Annabeth were back to being themselves, which is such a character assassination. Here are a few ways in which I think Tartarus changed Percy:
PART 1-PERCY
Percy becomes hypervigilant at all times.
He can barely sleep, and whenever he does, he is always affected by terrible nightmares.
He feels extremely guilty about not being able to save Bob and Damasen and hence is now extremely protective of his other friends and family.
He no longer feels at all safe in his cabin or at camp and avoids it since Hera abducting him from there led to the whole thing.
He spends large amounts of time away from the camp and avoids other demigods because he is constantly afraid he is going to hurt someone.
Percy only ever feels truly safe by the sea .
Percy knows how delicate Sally and Paul act around him, and he hates it and hates himself for it. They don't say a word even when his screams wake them up. In fact, they just sit beside him, holding his hand and letting him cry or scream. Mostly, he just finds himself shutting down.
Poseidon also makes his own protective tendencies known, and when Percy gets too manic to stay anywhere, he whisks him away to Atlantis to calm him and give him comfort.
Every night, Percy finds a place to look at the stars and repeat the same message : Bob says hello.
He becomes an entirely different person when attacked when fighting monsters. A killing machine. It scares most people especially Annabeth.
Percy becomes a lot more aloof and likes being by himself (so he doesn't have to bear the responsibility for protecting someone other than him for a while)
He becomes a bit more pensive and talks less than usual.
He hates his own power but doesn't shy away from using it in dangerous situations. But this leaves him with a long internal struggle.
He begins to think of himself as monstrous.
He can't feel at ease without feeling Riptide in his grasp.
Somedays the nightmares, the memories get so worse that he has to make himself bleed to take the worst of it away.
He becomes skeptical of most things: people, and food and objects.
Everyone makes sure not to bring Calypso in the same room as him lest he kill her then and there. It takes him a long time to forgive her.
Percy is now so good at sensing monsters that he is always ten steps ahead of everyone.
The worst of it is Percy's constant need to fight something. He spars with multiple strong opponents to at least make it a bit challenging for him. It makes him feel like Ares, and he hates it.
Percy's first true genuine smile is when he finds out he is going to have a baby sister.
Will cover Annabeth's and then Nico's in the next parts. This is enough ptsd for all of us for one day.
Kindergarten Alphabet
And now I listen to rock songs
As if I was casting a curse on you, a person who wronged me or was just plain wrong
Beating my
Back with the switch of embarrassment
Counting down from ten turned into
Counting down to when school ended
Destroying potential masterpieces and
Daring to act like my best friend
Examining me
Even to the point of just pure cruelty
Forgetting that we are the
Future
Getting what you wanted you
Gypped me
Happily fed the
Hatred in my heart
I'm still not social and I'm still not great at verbalizing
I clearly learned a lot from staying back
Javelined me with feelings of stupidity and low self esteem you
Justify this because you think it did me good
Knotted my life and slowed me down which
Killed me on the inside with depression
Lengthening my suffering by an extra year and my
Language, once again, has not improved
Motherfucker you
Misunderstood
Nervous because of your harsh, toughness maybe you
Never considered that it was you who was the problem
Ostracized me from my
Own class and best friend
Painful were the years that
Passed but the one spent with you was the most painful
Quivering were my lips, you were the ruling
Queen
Repress my feelings and I hold them inside so that I may move forward instead of staying in the same
Repulsive place where children’s minds are forced into corruption
Suffocation in my Thanksgiving bonnet with a
String under my chin holding in the awkward discomfort
Thinking back on those days with you causes me
Trauma
Underestimated are the soft introverts who are
Usually warm and caring rather than cruel, but now I have
Venom in my
Veins
What made you think that you should be in charge of my fate, while you aged,
Without talking I became stronger in my silence
Xenial from my classmates I so dearly miss and yet
X-rays will not show how much I hurt
You didn’t let me go down fighting,
You tried to sugarcoat my life
Zero in vocabulary you were a
Zealot
What abusers believe.
If you’ve ever had to deal with an abusive person in your life - like an abusive parent or partner - you’ve probably wondered what made them treat you that way. If you understand why abuse is happening, the thinking goes, you might be able to figure out how to make it stop.
So why do abusers do what they do? Do they have anger issues? Drinking problems? Past trauma? Personality disorders? Do they just need to get in touch with their feelings and learn how to communicate better?
Nope.
Abusive behaviours come from abusive beliefs. Abusers - whether consciously or unconsciously - hold specific beliefs about relationships that drive their behaviour and allow them to justify the horrible things they do. Even if your abuser has never put their beliefs into words, you’ll probably recognize a lot of these abusive beliefs:
You are responsible for my emotions. It is never my responsibility to reflect on my emotional reactions or learn better coping skills - it’s your responsibility to stop doing things that make me angry or upset.
I must act on my emotions. If I am angry, I am going to lash out. You have no right to criticize me for that, and it’s not my responsibility to learn to manage my emotions - you have to stop making me lash out at you. Asking me not to act on my emotions is controlling and wrong.
You will always be responsible for my emotions. Even if the relationship ends, you will continue to be responsible for my emotions, and I will expect you to continue to prioritize my feelings.
If I have feelings about something, it’s my business. If something you do or think causes an emotional reaction in me, then I have a right to get involved or tell you what to do. My feelings must be the priority. You don’t have the right to tell me that it’s none of my business.
You must judge me on my intentions, not my actions. If I didn’t mean to hurt you or scare you, then you don’t have the right to be hurt or scared. No one has the right to try to hold me accountable unless I meant to hurt someone.
I get to decide what your intentions were. If you hurt me, you meant to hurt me. If you make me jealous, you meant to make me jealous. Nothing you do is ever accidental or unintended - everything you do is intentional and malicious, even if it was a response to something I did.
My feelings are genuine; your feelings are manipulation. If I’m upset, my feelings are real and important. If you are upset, you have an ulterior motive - you’re just trying to be manipulative and get attention or sympathy for yourself.
You have freedoms because I allow you to. Every freedom you have in your life - like wearing what you want - it’s because I generously allow it. I expect you to be grateful to me for that. I have the right to take those freedoms away whenever I want, and I expect you to obey.
If you set boundaries with me, you are mistreating me. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t set boundaries with me. You are doing this to intentionally hurt me, which means I don’t have to respect those boundaries.
You holding me accountable for hurting you is worse than me hurting you. My pain at being called out is worse than your pain at being mistreated. If I feel bad about something I did, I have already been punished enough. You trying to discuss the issue or hold me accountable is just your way of abusing me.
If I apologized for something, you have to forgive me. If the relationship has ended, you have to reconcile with me. You don’t get to ask for more time apart or more discussion of the issue - once I’ve apologized, the matter is closed for good.
The relationship is not over until I say it is over. So long as I want a relationship with you, you must have a relationship with me. Your feelings are irrelevant. Even if we have broken up, you must remain available to me so we can get back together in the future. Not wanting a relationship with me means you are mistreating me or being immature.
I am the authority in this relationship. I am smarter and more perceptive than you. I know what is best for both of us. My version of events is always the correct one. I have superior judgement, taste and opinions. If you question me or disagree with me after I’ve given you the correct answer, you are disrespecting and mistreating me, or you are simply immature and incapable of knowing what’s good for you.
I have the right to control you. It is my absolute right to decide what you do and who you associate with. You have no right to disobey me. I am owed obedience and control; if you don’t give me those things, you are wronging me and cheating me out of the relationship I deserve.
If you resist my control, I am allowed to do whatever I think is necessary to get it back. Once you’ve resisted me, I am justified in whatever I do to regain control of you. I am not responsible for my actions when you resist my control; you forced me to do it, and it’s your own fault.
I should be your main focus. Everything else in your life comes secondary to me. When you make decisions, my feelings should be your first consideration. You are expected to make sacrifices for me and put me at the center of your life; I am not obligated to do the same for you.
If I spend money on you or do something for you, you are in debt to me. You spending money on me or doing things for me does not erase your debt to me, and I am never in debt to you. You are indebted to me for as long as I decide. I may decide that your belongings and earnings also belong to me, since I allow you to have them. I may also decide at any time that you owe me for gifts I gave you, even if they were meant to be gifts.
I am not abusive, and you are not allowed to tell me otherwise. I know what abuse is, and real abusers are significantly worse than me. If our relationship has ever had any good times or positive moments, it can’t possibly be abusive. If you accuse me of being abusive, you are the one abusing me, or you have been led astray by bad influences.
Relationships should be effortless (for me). I am owed a relationship that is peaceful and requires no real effort from me. It is your job to make sure we have that kind of relationship. If there is any tension or conflict in the relationship, it is your fault, and you are depriving me of the relationship I deserve to have.
Abusers and victims alike often buy into the narrative that abuse is rooted in anger issues - after all, abusers are frequently angry, and anger is an issue that can be treated. But this narrative just isn’t true. Abusers aren’t abusive because they are angry. Abusers are angry because they are abusive.
A non-abusive partner is not someone who has learned how to control their rage whenever you spend time with your friends or get home 15 minutes late from work. A non-abusive partner just doesn’t feel any rage in those situations. An abuser’s rage is firmly rooted in their beliefs about relationships - they feel entitled to a relationship that meets their impossible expectations, and when they inevitably don’t get it, they bubble over with fury. Whether they know it or not, they have firmly entrenched beliefs about how relationships should be, and those beliefs are at the heart of their abuse.
Can abusers stop believing these things? Maybe. If they can acknowledge that they have these beliefs, accept that these beliefs are dangerous and unreasonable and let go of these beliefs, maybe it’s possible for them to no longer be abusive in the future. Maybe. But it’s not your job to hang around and find out. If you’re in an abusive relationship of any kind, you deserve better. There are many people in this world who don’t hold abusive views of relationships, and you deserve to find happiness with them.
No because teenagers, especially those who are poc, poor, or are in abusive situations, literally do not have the access to proper help. For years before I was diagnosed with autism I can remember thinking about it and knowing I had it, but nobody thought it needed to be diagnosed. It wasn’t affecting me apparently. I was doing fine at school.
My autism is not the primary reason I had to later drop out of school, but I sure as hell know I would have had an easier time if I got help. Now I can barely leave the house because of autism and other disabilities. I was forced to mask my support needs for so long I have no clue just how much help I need. People treat me like I’m getting my life back together but I’m not. I will never have the life I wanted and the life I thought I’d have when I was younger.
it's so funny to me when i see pearl-clutching articles about how "teenagers are diagnosing themselves with mental disorders via tiktok" because like. this is not happening in a vacuum. teenagers are severely and i mean severely medically neglected. i cannot stress this enough. teenagers do not have free access to medical care. those same news outlets would be clowning on women with housewife psychosis in the 1950's.
i sometimes go pale when listening to some of what my friends have gone through in their childhoods and teenagehoods. they talk about it so nonchalantly, things that would be considered straight up torture if done to an adult, can't fathom the effect this has on children. they are on multiple anti-psychotics and several antidepressants and anxiety meds now that they are adults. medical neglect has legally and effectively disabled them. a timely diagnosis and intervention could have saved them. of course teenagers are self-diagnosing using tiktok. if your knee-jerk reaction is to scoff at the idea and dismiss it as dumb teenager shit instead of being radicalized because the best shot young people have at attaining the mental health support they need is a fucking dancing videos app, you're categorically a political enemy of the youth.
The End of Apathy
Hope sits in a chair in the corner
of a dreamlit bedroom her lips inches away
from the corner of your mouth gleaming
smooth skin freckled with greed
dissolving the selfish daydream like
salt in honeyed water.
Her fingers encase your loose wrists grounding
until your bones jangle in your skin
from her strength strengthened into granite resolve.
You are as tangible as marble and
in this secret rendezvous after
several moonless nights, you hope
for tonight, you hope for this hour.
Hope replies with kisses to the crown of
your head. On your head, the crown abdicates,
declaring anarchy against the self-destruction
you crave more, want more.
[“When we are able to access our “body memories” through the felt sense, then we can begin to discharge the instinctive survival energy that we did not have a chance to use at the time of an event. Regardless of what your particular situation is, you can learn to discharge and transform this energy. The discharge can be dramatic and visible, or subtle and quiet. It can be an intense shivering or the slightest sense of inner trembling; or it may be a changing of temperature between hot and cold, between warmth and coolness. Afterwards, you might notice that things fall into place a little easier, or that you’re calmer and more relaxed. Perhaps things that once upset you won’t seem to bother you as much, and you are significantly less critical of yourself. Or, you might experience a subtle deepening of your sense of well-being. It’s also entirely possible that the change may be more profound. Chronic pain may disappear. You might be able to do things that you’ve never before attempted. Your relationships with loved ones and others might become freer and easier. You might experience a surge in your feelings of passion and personal power. When trauma is healed, shift happens.”]
peter levine, from healing trauma, 2008
There was no clear time to be told. No exact date, exact time, exact moment that would be able to tell people. It was this...
Poison.
This slow killing poison that settles in the gaps of your jonts, the spaces in your muscles. It flows with your blood, following the set trail set by the veins. Until it reaches your brain.
If you asked, you would not be given a clear answer as to when everything cleared up and the thought came.
It was something that was planted long before the time came. It slowly blossomed, the poison as its water that tarnishes the soil it growing on.
It seeps into your being, poisonous, inky black blob of venom that crawled into the crevices of your body, your orfices and settled into you. Blending in with the crowd in your system until it leaked into your soul, painted your heart, manipulated your mind.
It was the blueish, the purplish, the disgusting array of colors that appeared on your skin as the bruised formed from another hit from an unloving and unlovable and disgusting and cruel and demonic hand. It was the bright and angry red that shaped itself as a hand that cupped the entirety of one half of your face.
It was the leakage of dark red blood that tasted like iron and smelled like it from your nose or your split lip or a cut from a bottle shard. Or the torn walls from where it slipped outside and slipped back once more.
This poison.
It takes several forms. It could be that droplet of blood that fell on your desk with a "plink". It could be the next person you talk to. The next hand that slots itself in your hand and it feels so so so wrong. It could be that stripe of saliva somewhere on your skin. It could be that look of a parent so unlike a parent's.
It could be the glinting of a silver blade that blinds you and cuts you with it's sharpness, and that blood that drips from your hand to the matress. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another.
Until.
Until it forms that big wet puddle of red. Like wet paint leaking across the surface of the canvas and spreading. Or blood on a tissue that spreads and leaks onto the bottom.
It could be that void in your chest as you stare at the opened and lifeless eyes of an abuser. Eyes that opened a minute before the final breath was taken. Fear etched onto them. That same fear you saw in your reflection. That same fear you saw reflected into those cruel, cruel orbs.
It could be the steps you took as you walked out.
Or it could be the tiny splash of water from when you dropped the bloody knife.
Or it could be that feeling in your chest you can't identify as you watch the crime, your crime, your sin, reported in the news and printed in the papers and talked around.
Or it could be that sickeningly sweet feeling you felt as you moved forward. Or the faint regret as you looked back.
Or that happy, giddy feeling as you left and started new.
Or that ghostly, cool touch of a hand that explores your every part with a burning, seering, hot pain.
Or that feeling of fear and relief when you woke up and your heartbeat's loud beating of thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thumo, thump...
S Y N C H R O N I C I T Y
i’ve been adept to recognizing synchronicity in my life since i learned what it was, years ago. it’s not exactly a household word, but thankfully enough people know what it is that i’ve had great conversations.
usually when it happens, i feel at ease, and my anxieties wash away, if only for a little while.
in this post, i’ll be talking about all the crazy synchronicities that happened with the guy i was seeing this summer.
it first happened with a visit from a ghost. yes, you read that right. and no, i’m not crazy, and i know it wasn’t a hallucination.
i’ve felt spirits here and there since i was young. sometimes i’m not sure if it’s just a projection of my consciousness, but other times it’s been rather undeniable. this was one of those times.
one example of synchronicity in my life was when i was driving around my neighborhood. i wanted to play a specific CD, but i was driving and i didn’t want to get distracted so i was like oh well. then, out of nowhere, my radio which was turned off, suddenly turns on, and the cd that was in ejects. my radio has never malfunctioned like that before, and hasn’t since. but, taking it as a sign, i pulled over and switched the cds.
now. to the story.
it was a summer day. i was on my phone looking for a hookup online, and i felt a presence outside of my bedroom window. i didn’t recognize it. usually i feel family members or friends who have passed away, but i didn’t know who this was. i shrugged it off and went to go meet up with a guy.
i get to the motel, and he doesn’t show. i get back online, and a guy who has pestered me for years messages me. i give in, for no particular reason. i had been ignoring this guy for a while.
when i get to his house, i know within minutes that i want to marry him. he has a house, is just my type, and there’s other factors i’d rather not get into. but i know almost immediately.
he feels something too. we hit it off, exchange numbers. and i’m back over there the next day. we end up spending every day together for the next two months.
a couple weeks into the relationship, i feel the same spirit that i felt outside my bedroom window. once, outside his bedroom window. and the second time inside his bedroom. perplexed, i eventually make the connection that it is his ex boyfriend who recently passed away.
he told me within the first few days getting to know each other, and he has a picture of him over his bed. i can still feel the grief he has over what had happened. he tells me the exact day it happened, and what ensued.
it’s not until we are sitting on his couch and he shows me a picture of them that i make the connection. the spirit that had been visiting me was tall. his ex was tall. excited, i tell him that i felt a presence that i believed was his ex.
i told him how i believed that he led me to him, since that day i was supposed to meet up with someone else, and it just so happened that it didn’t work out and i ended up going to his place.
i’ve always been a spiritual person. i carry sage and palo santo on me. i saged this guys house, and played youtube videos to raise the aura of his home. i left palo santo on his living room shelf that had pictures and memorabilia of his family members.
i left a cigarette out beneath a photo of his deceased ex, to honor him, and i was very thankful for being brought to this new guy i liked so much. at this point i believed his ex brought me to him to help him with his grief. i would often pray to his ex to decide on what to do, especially later when things got ugly.
through the course of the summer, things got more serious. i started planning a life with him. he was coming over to my house, something which i had never really done before. i live with my grandma and never really brought romantic partners over. he was a first for that, and made me feel like i got the stereotypical high school relationship i never got.
things with him clicked. our sex was electrifying. i never felt that sexually honest and compatible with someone. i would imagine us having sex in so many different locations. i started to see him as a husband.
however, the spirits i had communed with started to give me concern. i’ll get more into that after i discuss the dream.
T H E D R E A M
i’ve had psychic dreams since my early 20s, or so i thought. recently i’ve had two childhood dreams come true. anyway —
i had a dream about a year before i met this guy. i was at my mom’s house, and i remember waking up from it and getting the sense that it was important. it was vivid, and something in me just knew it was important for some reason.
in the dream, i’m behind my car, it’s night time. i’m in a sketchy neighborhood, and jacob, a man who i was intensely in love with, was helping me put art in the back of my car. a painting.
some things happen in between and i don’t remember. the next thing i know, i am sitting or laying and there is a gun. a man with a gun. just before there is a shot, i immediately wake up.
i went downstairs and got some water. over the next few months, i didn’t think too much of the dream. however, it started weighing on me more and more. i stopped traveling with art in my car (i’m an artist and also move between houses, so i often have miscellaneous art). i thought it would mean that i would get robbed.
however, over time i started thinking about jacob. eventually, it got to the point where i was thinking about the dream often. i wouldn’t have art in my car, and if i did, i told myself it couldn’t be about to happen since i hadn’t talked to jacob.
fast forward to meeting the new guy. he was a perfect blend of characteristics that made him suitable to be liked by both of my parents. this was important to me. i saw him as fitting perfectly into my life and my family, and my circle of friends. i was ecstatic.
i had been wanting him to meet my friend nadia. i always introduce new boyfriends to her to get her approval. one night, i tell him we’re going over. i don’t make a big deal about it, it’s casual.
but he puts on jeans. i hadn’t yet seen him wear jeans. he always wore his work uniform, or basketball shorts. i thought it was cute that he wanted to dress up to meet my friend.
the night goes smoothly. we talk and hang out with nadia. she had just moved into the apartment upstairs in her building. i cuddled with him on the couch, with nadia on the other side. another boundary breaking thing, cuz i usually wouldn’t show affection like that in my friends home.
well, we had recently had a falling out with our friend zoe. when i got a new bed, zoe painted my old bed frame and nadia had it hanging above her tv. she said she didn’t want it anymore, and asked me to take it.
thankfully, i had my knight there to help me cuz it was heavy. he carried it to my car while i kept watch. it was dark, around midnight. nadia doesn’t live in the best part of town, and i always had to be cautious and look over my shoulder when leaving her place at night.
we get to my suv, and i open the back hatch. he lifts the painting up, and as he is putting it in the back, it hits me. the dream.
now, i’ve talked to my friends before about my dreams and how they predict the future. the caveat is that i don’t know when it will come true, and i don’t always know which dream.
often times it is just something trivial. like a specific image or detail, but i will run into that specific thing that day and realize i saw it in my dream the night before. or, at times i will have minutes go by and as things are unfolding around me, i realize i had dreamt it the night before. i saw what would happen that day.
i had actually told nadia about this specific dream with the artwork only days before. i was thinking about it so much at this point, but it was bothering me because i couldn’t make sense of it. and i wasn’t in contact with jacob and didn’t foresee that happening anytime soon.
so i run back upstairs and tell her that the dream is coming true. she doesn’t react as strongly as i would like. this is a very big deal to me. after all, i had seen this dream almost a year prior and it was constantly on my mind. it shaped how i acted. i was cautious about having art in my car, cuz i thought i would get robbed while i had art in my car.
i explain to the guy what had happened. how i had seen me and my ex jacob putting art into the back of my car at night time in a sketchy part of town. the reason it was jacob in the dream is because our brain cannot see someone who we haven’t met or seen before. i hadn’t yet met this guy, but i was falling madly in love with him just like i had been in love with jacob. so, jacob just took the visual role of a romantic partner in that dream.
as happy as i was, i became scared. i knew how the dream ended. since the dream had finally began coming true, i unfortunately knew how it ended. and end it did, loyal to the original plot and all.
the ride home, i am terrified. it’s late, and every stop light i am looking around, seeing if anybody is suddenly approaching. homeboy insists that the dream hadn’t come true, cuz he wasn’t jacob. i don’t know if that was rooted in jealousy or what. but it annoyed me. i know what i saw, i knew what had just happened.
over the next couple of weeks i was weary about driving at night. i was expecting to get robbed by a random person on the street. i remember the gun being silver, and i somehow decided i was in the passenger seat in the dream [wow. i’m just realizing this detail was in fact true after all]
so i drive everywhere instead of letting him, like i usually did.
now back to the spirits. i began to sense some issues. as i would lay in his bedroom, one night, i began to feel like extremely hazy. like i was in another dimension, and nothing made sense. it was not a good feeling. it was like there was fog all around his house, and i felt uneasy.
as i prayed to his dead ex like i did, i started to lose trust in what i was really praying to. the stable, reassuring spirit started to become strange. not making sense. acting weird. then, it seemed like it was making fun of me. laughing at me. i stopped trusting it, and became confused.
his ancestors also gave me less confidence. there was a particular spirit, a woman. i see her as short, with brown hair and glasses. she laughs at me. every. single. time. i pray about a decision to make, and all i get is laughter in return. i don’t like it, but i try to ignore it.
fast forward to the end of the relationship.
i wake up on the morning of my birthday, i wake him up to ask if he wants panera. he sounds irritated. his tone starts to escalate, like he is arguing. we hadn’t yet had an argument. whenever i date someone, i always wonder what our first argument will be. i couldn’t figure it out with him, since until this point we had so much emotional rapport.
as he keeps arguing, part of me is like wow. he’s really about to start a fight, our first fight, on my birthday. i don’t quite remember what happens next. i know he’s angry and i’m trying to leave, since nothing i say or do is calming him down. only making it worse.
i go downstairs, and i pray. his ancestors are telling me to get the fuck out of the house immediately. i don’t like this answer. it’s my birthday, and i’m so in love with this guy. part of me doesn’t believe he’ll ruin my birthday, and i don’t want to leave. so i go downstairs to his basement.
he follows, says something irate as he lets the dog out. at this point i just decide to leave. so i pick up a box, and he comes in the room. he’s yelling at me. i’ve never seen him like this, and i don’t think a partner has ever yelled at me like this before. especially over something i wasn’t even sure what it was. and i kept trying to make it better.
he comes over to me and smashes the box out of my hands and onto the floor. he is twice my size, so i begin for the front door. i don’t know what happens next cuz i black it out. but next thing i know i am in my car. he is chasing me, and smashes his hand on my windshield as i speed in reverse out the driveway.
i lay on my bed paralyzed that morning. the panera driver has to come to my grandmas after i explain my situation over a sob filled phone call.
later that day, he texts me. he’s hateful, saying so many insulting things. i have a humiliation kink, so when he starts saying things like faggot and little dick bottom, it turns me on. but the telling me to kill myself hurt.
long story short, i forgive him, even though i’m walking on egg shells around him cuz i’m still not sure what had actually happened. he had told me he had bpd. this must have been an episode. part of his argument was that i didn’t actually care about him, that i was constantly looking for an excuse to get away from him. which wasn’t at all true.
anyway, he ends up doing something evil on his birthday, and it turns into something even more intense. his ancestors told me not to go back to his house, but i did anyway. i was so in love with him, and desperate for connection over what i would learn was from a trauma bond we shared, and i felt like i was losing friends and my ex dennis so i really just needed this new guy.
well, the next episode is on his birthday a few days later. it ends with me having to drive frantically to my father, and he has to drive over to guy’s house with me sitting in the passenger seat. he had locked me out of the house, i had no phone or wallet or any of my belongings that had accumulated at his house. and i had work in an hour.
my dads friends come over and we are standing on his front porch. i had gotten most of my stuff back, except some money and personal belongings he took out of my bag. my dads friends want to get it back. next thing we know, we hear a bullet enter a chamber, and hear a gun cock behind the front door.
this was the end of the dream. not only was he the one who helped me put paintings in the back, but he was also the one with the gun.
• • • /synchronicity
now i am a very forgiving person, especially in love. call it toxic, naive, or foolish. maybe you’re right. but i also don’t care.
i still pursued this guy. after all, i was convinced his dead ex brought me to him. we had trauma bonded. we had amazing sex. he was perfect, and if he was willing to go to therapy and not be domestic abusive again, i didn’t see the problem. he was just showing me how physically strong he was lol hehe jk unless
but we never went back to how we were.
he never blew up at me like that again. the few times i would go over there were tame. though, he was now closed off to me. not friendly like he had been. wouldn’t kiss me. was mean.
after deciding one day that that was it, that i was moving on and completely forgetting about him —
the strangest thing happened. taco bell gave me a mountain dew.
/ / N U M B E R S
i often looked to triple numbers to make sense of the world around me. if i got it on a receipt, or looked at the clock and saw it — it was a reassurance that i was doing something right. however, there was one set of numbers that i saw a little too frequently. numbers i didn’t like, and every time i saw them, which was often, i would get unsettled.
those numbers were 911.
now if you are to comprehend my insistence that this relationship worked out, you need to understand how much i relied on seeing triple numbers, amongst other things, such as deja vu, to reassure me that i was treading smoothly in life.
however i often saw 9:11. i realized it about five or six years ago. i would look at the clock and it would be 9:11, a little more often than normal. then it happened often. sometimes multiple times in the same week. it frightened me.
but with my knight of the summer, i thought it all made sense. i was seeing 9:11 because he used to be a police officer. that was a reason i fell in love with him. i thought it was so sexy.
all those years of seeing 911 constantly, was just the universe telling me that my police officer was waiting for me.
i believed this wholeheartedly. i wouldn’t give up. if he was the one i loved & desired, literally lead to me from a ghost, with the universe telling me for years that he was waiting or me and i just didn’t know it. i thought he was the one. my soul mate. THE soulmate.
but it all came crashing down.
and i decided. after i had had enough, after weeks of trying to get back the man i knew before those two episodes. i finally had it. and made the mental decision to leave him the fuck alone and move on.
then i go to taco bell. i go multiple times a week, often using mobile app to order ahead. i love taco bell and anybody close to me knows that. and they almost never get my order wrong. sometimes they give me a different flavor tea if they are out of dragon paradise, but even that was rare.
so the day after i decide i give up on mr shadow of the summer. taco bell messes up my order, and gives me a large mountain dew.
his favorite soft drink.
you can imagine my fury. he drank mountain dew all the time. at this point, when i saw it, i thought of him. i don’t like the drink. i never drink it, ever. the last time i did i was probably 7 years old. but he drank it all the time.
and so now the day after i decide to give up and move on, taco bell, which never really messes up my order, all of a sudden hands me his favorite drink. i was fucking pissed.
i considered giving it back. going back and saying something. hey assholes, thanks for messing up my order and giving me my now ex’s favorite soft drink ? the day after i decide i no longer want to pursue him ? makes no sense. and i’m thirsty. so i drink the damn mountain dew. and i am so mad about it.
genuinely mad. genuinely mad that he was dangled right in front of me, then snatched away like that. so, i try to do the right thing and stay away from him. AND THEN THE MOUNTAIN DEW. are you kidding me!
well, that’s all i have for now. currently i am not in contact with him, but i have gone over a couple times since mountain dew incident. i drank that whole thing.
but i decided that the spirit who visited me was la santa muerte. i had a candle i bought in chicago, cuz i heard about santa muerte in a tv show. i assume santa muerte was showing me the dangers of the trauma bond that connected me and homeboy. that’s the only sense i can make from this.
also, i saw a guy who looked JUST like his dead ex on grindr. same hair color, facial shape and features. i ask if his name is ____ and he replies yes. so i go off thinking he lied about his ex dying. then the dude does a 180° and says that i have him confused with someone else. so either it’s a strange coincidence that someone is walking around with the same name and face as his ex, or he lied about that being his name. or i don’t even know what.
most people will probably just think i’m crazy. and i guess i am. but i experienced all of these things.
- november 2023
’Depths of your mind’
TW: Vulgar language, mentions of non-con/‘grape’, and character death
⚠️IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO THESE TOPICS, PLEASE DON’T READ THIS⚠️
((Artist/Writer here! I decided to write some angst with Rick and Val, and this is my first story I’m putting out on here so it’s probably not that good- but I thought about writing for a while so I hope you enjoy!))
((Also just a note: Val uses They/Them, but I will mostly be using their own name to refer to them, just in case anything gets confusing and you can send Val an ask about anything that happened in this story too))
“So, what does this thing do again?” Val asks, running their hand over the dome part of the helmet looking gadget Rick had been working on for about 3 months now. Their eyes follow the long, thick, cords connected to a chair that looked like it could electrocute someone with a gentle touch of their hand, other randomly colored cords seemingly melded to the metal chair, another helmet laying on the seat.
“Let me put this in a way y-you can understand,” Rick says, running his hand through his, disheveled, blue hair. “With this bad boy here I can, in a way, transfer myself into some-urrrp- someone else’s mind and kind of see what they see.” He explains, a smug look on his face.
“So.. Like a body switch?” Val asks, raising a eyebrow in confusion.
“No.. It’s like I can kind of l-look inside someone’s brain, I should be able to see their memories and other shit that their brain comes up with.” He shrugs, flopping down in his desk chair, snatching the silver flask off of his desk next to a bunch of loose wires. Val nods, understanding his invention a bit more, slowly sliding their hand off the helmet and turning over to face Rick “Speaking of,” Rick continues. “I was going t-to test it out.” He stands up out of his seat and takes a long sip from his flask. Val crosses their arms, gently tapping one of their arms with their pointer finger.
“Oh, really? I would like to see you test it with Morty-“
“I’m going to test it out with you, not Morty.” He says, cutting Val off. Val’s eyes widen, freezing up immediately after he says this. Rick screws the cap onto his flask, ignoring the shock on Val’s face.
Val’s mind started to race as Rick gently placed the helmet on their head. Val shifts, uncomfortable in the metal chair. “Stop moving so much, will ya’?…” Rick mumbled, now working on the wires and knobs on the sides of the chair.
“Well you put me in a metal chair, what do you expect? It’s uncomfortable..” Val says, letting out an exasperated sigh. Their leg continued to bounce, still nervous about essentially being the test subject for Rick’s new invention. Sure, Rick is the smartest man in the universe, but some of his inventions don’t always go as planned. Val has seen some of Rick’s inventions explode and catch fire right in front of them, so who knows if this one will even work.
“Alright, I think we are ready.” Rick says, making Val snap out of their thoughts and look over at him. He looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks, which he hadn’t. He was working on this new invention, which he was calling ‘The Memory Watcher,’ for months on end. He had stubble growing on his face, and his hair had been looking pretty rough. He looks over to Val and could tell they were worried, which he sighs at their worried look. “O-Oh come on, It’ll be fine. All I’m doing is gonna go into the depths of your mind, baby.”
“Yeah.. Right..” Val whispers. Rick pulls his desk chair next to Val, putting on the second helmet before sitting down.
“Alright, you have 5 seconds to pull out of this.” He says, pretending to sound annoyed. Rick knew that Val could get nervous about the stuff he does, so he tries to at least give them an opportunity to not do it. Val stays quiet, thinking about his offer. After a moment of silence Rick makes an executive decision to continue, he pulls a switch out of his pocket.
“Rick wait-” Val starts, before getting cut off by Rick.
“And awaaaayyyy we go!” He pulls the switch down, sending a bolt of electricity through both of them.
Then Rick and Val blackout.
“Ughhh…” Rick groans, his head throbbing. He slowly opens his eyes. Everything around him was different. Well. It was just a white void really. He sits up on his elbows, now he was able to see the hundreds, maybe, even thousands of doors scattered across the void. It takes him a moment to process it, but once he does, a wide smile spreads across his face. “Holy shiiiit! It fucking worked!” He springs up, the switch still in his hand. He gently clasps his hands together, looking around at all of the doors, even though there wasn’t really anything to look at since every single door was the same. “I-I gotta find some fucking memories to watch! They better be fucking interesting Val.” He looks around again, expecting to see Val somewhere, but it was only him. He sighs, shoving the switch into his pocket before walking around a little bit.
He walked around for about 10 minutes, opening random doors, which were just how you could get to any memory that Val had, and anything that Rick looked at didn’t catch his attention. Most of them he looked at were just them at home, or with something with Rick in it. He had probably skipped a majority of the doors he passed but he knew he wasn’t going to spend the entire time here opening every door he passes. As he walked farther, he noticed some of the doors seemed scratched, or broken. “What the hell?” He slowly comes to a stop, not being able to ignore that all the doors around him had large scratches on it, or there was something off about the door. He is eyes dart around for a moment, before he puts his focus on one door.
The paint on it was pealing and cracked, one of the hinges was completely smashed, and there was huge gashes all across it. He stands still for a moment, then walks over to it, placing his hand on the handle. He inspects the door for a moment longer before pulling on the handle, which it was way harder to open than it had been for any other door he had opened. He groans, using both of his hands and yanking the door open, making one of the hinges completely break off. He looks inside, seeing a long hospital hallway. He cocks a part of his brow and steps through the doorway. He looks around for a moment, seeing nurses, medical equipment, and some other people walking around. He decided to walk forward, inspecting the hall as he walks down it, then he comes to a stop at an open door on the left side of him.
“Why would someone leave their hospital room door open? Especially this late at night..” He pushes open the door a bit more, seeing about 3 doctors in the room, a child in the hospital bed with one of the doctors giving them oxygen, and then a way younger looking Val sitting right next to the child, holding their hand. A heart monitor beeped steadily, which Rick assumes to be the child’s heartbeat. He could tell it was Val from their distinct blonde hair, but he’d really be able to tell if it was them from their eyes, since they had heterochromia. He tensed his body up a bit before walking deeper into the room. Rick walks up next to the bed, the doctors ignoring him. He leans down a little bit, looking at the younger version of Val. Although it was weird seeing them without the mask on, since now all Rick can imagine them with a mask on. He pauses when he looks at their eyes. They had heterochromia. ‘Bingo.’ Rick thought. ‘There’s Val.’
“It’s gonna be okay, I’m here… Mom’s here..” The Val says, squeezing the child’s hand as they lean forward, their voice sounding strained and very shaky, but with the same, strong, German accent they had in the future.
“Mom?” Rick mumbled to himself. Val didn’t have children, they would have told him if they did. “What the hell..?” The doctors in the room paced around, seeming focused on something. He looks to the child in the hospital bed, and she had looked almost the same as Val. Same hair color, similar nose, other eyes were the same color as one of Val’s eyes. “Holy shit..
Val had a daughter..” Rick says, almost a bit too loud.
He steps back, now seeing how distraught the Val looked. Their cheeks were stained with tears, their eyes red with large bags underneath their eyes. Tears swelled in their eyes, their eyebrows furrowed a bit. He winces at how they looked, since they were pretty hard to look at. “Uh, Ms. Fehr, your gonna need to leave the room. And uh, you too Buddy.” One of the doctors says, glancing over to Rick. The Val completely ignored Rick and stared at the doctor for a moment before slowly getting up and walking towards the door slowly tears streaming down their face. The three doctors crowed around the bed, all their voices overlapping each other. Rick watched the doctors for a moment before turning to walk out behind Val. One of the doctors stops whatever he was doing and yells something into his radio.
beep… beep.. beep..
The child’s heartbeat started to slow down, making Rick and Val stop and look back at the doctors crowded around the hospital bed.
beep…
beep..
…
Then a flatline tone fills the room.
Val’s eyes widen.
“CLEO!” Val screams, making Rick jump back as they start to bolt back into the room until nurses run into the room and grab Val under their arms, trying to pull them out of the room. They struggle against the multiple nurses pulling them back, still screaming. As they are pulled out of the room, another nurse gestures for Rick to leave. He walks out of the room, a nurse closing the door behind him. He looks over to Val, who was trying to be calmed by a few nurses.
“No… YOU HA-hic-HAVE TO LET ME GO BACK IN T-THERE!” Val screams at one of the nurse, now sobbing.
“We can’t do that honey…” A nurse responds, rubbing their back as she sits them down in a chair. Val takes both of the palms of their hands and hits their forehead with them, trying to say something to the nurses, but it was all unintelligible from their sobs. Rick just stands in the hall quietly, watching Val scream and cry. He couldn’t really even do anything, since it was a memory after all.
A few minutes later the nurses around Val had left, and they were more calmed down, but they were still crying. Rick sighs. He slowly starts to walk up to Val.
“Hey, y-you okay?” Rick asks, sitting down in a chair next to Val. They look up at him. “Shit..” They looked completely screwed. Their hair was a mess, it looked like they hadn’t slept in days, and their face and eyes were redder than they ever had been.
“S-Sorry… I-I just..” Val starts, pulling their knees up to their chest.
“Don’t be sorry, you have n-nothing to be sorry about..” Rick says, patting their shoulder awkwardly. “Uhm.. You look.. a bit to young to be here by yourself.” “I’m 19..”
“WHAT?” Rick shouts. “19? WHO’S KID WAS THAT?” The kid, which Rick guessed to be Cleo, looked like they were at least 4-5 years old, and if it really was Val’s daughter that would have meant they were 14 when they had the baby. Plus, they were in their late thirties to early forties now..
Val stayed quiet for a moment, then spoke up. “Cleo?.. S-She’s my kid..”
Rick’s heart drops.
‘How the FUCK did Val have a kid?’ Rick thought, staring at them in shock.
“You.. How old was she?”
“5 years old.” “Then that means..” Rick does the math in his head, and his eyes widen. “Y-You had Cleo when you were 14?…”
…
“Yes.” Val answers quickly, sounding a bit ashamed. Rick had so many questions. “Why do you want t-to know..?” Val mumbles, hiding their face in their knees.
“Uh.. I-I just thought you would want someone to talk to.. You don’t look too good so..” Rick says, coming up with a half-assed explanation. Val sighs.
“W-Well thank y-you.. I.. You are not wrong. I do want someone to talk to..” Val admits, leaning their head up to look at Rick. He looks at them with a confused but sad expression.
“Who’s the.. Who’s the dad..?” He asks, crossing his arms.
Val freezes for a moment, then slowly says. “My father… He uh..”
Rick completely stops. The look of disgust and anger on his face made Val stop talking.
“are you saying your father… forced himself on you..?” He says, trying to ask it in a better way then just full on saying it. Val looks away. Then they burst in to tears, nodding.
Rick stands up, “excuse me..” He says, then walks down the hospital hall and turns a corner. He quickly pulls out the switch from his pocket and pushes it up without hesitation.
Both Val and Rick gasp as another electric shock is sent through them. Rick frantically looks around and sees he is back in the garage. Val groans, taking the helmet off of their head before slowly standing up, feeling really dizzy.
“Did it work? I blacked out..” Val laughs a bit, holding one of the arms of the chair they were sitting in for support. They slowly look over to Rick, and they immediately feel concerned. “Are you.. Crying?” Rick look over to Val, tears slowly falling down his cheeks. He stares at Val for a moment, then slide the helmet off and stand up from his chair, placing his hands of Val’s shoulders.
“Val..” Rick mumbles.
“Rick? What happ-“
Rick pulls them into a tight hug, not saying a single word. Val stops for a minute, very surprised, but then they slowly return the hug.
“Holy shit.. I thought I was going to die..” Rick says.
“Is that why you’re crying..?”
“Yep..”
“Huh.. A-Alright..” Val shrugs, patting his back a bit before pulling away from the hug. They glance out the garage door and see it’s pitch black outside. “Oh god.. It’s late, I’m gonna head home Rick..” They say, Stil, trying to steady themselves a bit.
“Alright, I-I’ll see you tomorrow..” Rick says, crossing his arms, now back to looking annoyed. “Alright, bye!” Val says, waving to him as they walk out of the garage.
As Rick watches them walk home, he can’t help but feel horrible for them. Bitting his lip, he wipes his eyes with his sleeves.
“Why didn’t Val ever tell me about this..?”
Well this came at me out of nowhere.
Astrology: How trauma lives in the body via Mars signs
Warning - Content may be triggering. Reach out to those who love you and medical professionals when you need.
Aries Mars - Headaches, migraines, rapid heart rate, physical burn out and poor eye sight. Sudden outburst of anger and risk taking behaviour. May have an urge to carry a weapon as protection. Exercise, laughter and childhoid nostalgia can be healing.
Taurus Mars - Neck pain, throat conditions and infliction of the voice. Negatively affects the self worth. Healthy relationship with food and love is healing.
Gemini Mars - Hands and arms can feel shakey. Nervousness and tingles in the body. Hormonal deregulation. Trauma may be sibling related or occurred during teenage years. Ruled by Mercury, so self talk and words directly influence the body. Working with the hands can be healing, such as drawing, writing, video games and touch therapy. Strenuous physical exercise can be triggering, as the heart races the mind may experience this sensation as anxiety causing the mind to race faster. Therefore, relaxation exercises may be more therapeutic.
Cancer Mars - Can suffer from stomach problems, breast pain, lack of energy and digestive issues. Gaining weight and water retention around the stomach. Ruled by the moon, so the wellbeing and safety of the moon sign will have a direct affect on the body. Trauma within the body is likely to be family related or passed down from the maternal line. Water is healing. Swim in it, bath in it, drink it.
Leo Mars - Back pain, chest pain, heart pain. Inflicted solar plexus, causing the chest to cave inwards in an attempt to protect the heart and soul. Ruled by the sun, the self worth and life force directly affect the physical. Trauma within the body may be related to the Father or passed down through the paternal line. The sun, summertime, creativity and warmth is healing.
Virgo Mars - Nervousness in the body and hormonal deregulation. Unexplained illness or diseases. Feeling "dirty" or tainted. Ruled by Mercury, so self talk is absorbed by the body. It is important to keep the mind as healthy as the body. Physical injuries may occur as the body is pushed to be strong and healthy despite the mind.
Libra Mars - Lower back pain, ulsers and poor kidney health. Trauma may be relationship related or was a great injustices due to power dynamics. Witholds anger in the body. Believes they have rejected the feeling of anger, but they actually just suppress it.
Scorpio Mars - May manifest as sexual dysfunction, pain during sex or inflicting self-harm. Truama could have been deeply psychological. Can be prone to anger outbursts, which is triggered by their fear of being attacked or betrayed. The body may feel overwhelmed with emotion and pain. There is a strong need to re-gain strength and power. Exploring sexuality and the subconscious is empowering and deeply healing.
Sagittarius Mars - Truama can manifest physically as weight gain and discomfort in their thighs and hips. Ruled by Jupiter, the body heals when there is connection to spirituality, freedom and joy. Travelling can be physically healing.
Capricorn Mars - Restricting food, overeating, excessive exercise or burning their body out through work. Immensely self critical of the body. Aches in the bones and suffering skin conditions or scars. At times it may feel as if the skeleton wants to escape the body. Trauma is linked to the Father or people in positions of power.
Aquarius Mars - The body can feel alien or unusual to the person. Sudden disconnection to the physical self. Sudden outburst of emotions or anger. Trauma within the body may be linked to those in positions of power or social groups. Embracing their uniqueness is healing. May change their appearance or physical presentation suddenly as a way to re-establish ownership of the body.
Pisces Mars - Struggling to connect to the body and can disassociate. Pain in the feet. Difficulty feeling grounded and connected to the earth. Dance is healing and empowering.
You can also look at where Pluto is in the corresponding house, eg. Pluto in 12th = Mars in Pisces
Tw: sexual assault mentioned, and trauma/ptsd. All from past lifes and not explicit.
Talking about this once again, mainly cause I want to mention that it's from both of my "kin" lifes [Zuki and Cyan]. And it was likely more than once in both.
It sucks having to deal with the trauma even when in this body/life I/we have never experienced anything like that.
Anyway, just wanted to slightly vent again.
- Shay 🐾
Tw: sexual assault mentioned, trauma/ptsd, I think that's it? All of this is pretty much just past life, and it's not explicit, just mentioned by name.
Anyone else who experienced trauma in a past life that they haven't experienced in your current life, how do you deal with it?
I haven't ever been SAed in this life but I am pretty sure that I was at least once in a past life [maybe multiple past lifes, Zuki is the one that I am meaning rn]. And I have no real idea of how to go about dealing with this.
I feel shitty cause, like I've said, I have never been through that in this life, but it still affects me about as much as if I had. And I don't really know how to talk about this shit with people cause idk how they would react, even those that support and love me as I am [alterhuman/nonhuman stuff included] but having trauma from my past life that I haven't experienced here is kinda different.
Idk, I just want to know if anyone has any advice or anything for this situation.
Sorry for this type of post, I try not to bring too much stuff like this into my account, but I feel like I need to. I'll try and keep my posts more light-hearted or, at least of course, give trigger warnings or content warnings when they're not light-hearted.
- Zuki Shay Lupo (They/hx/it)
Tw: sexual assault mentioned, trauma/ptsd, I think that's it? All of this is pretty much just past life, and it's not explicit, just mentioned by name.
Anyone else who experienced trauma in a past life that they haven't experienced in your current life, how do you deal with it?
I haven't ever been SAed in this life but I am pretty sure that I was at least once in a past life [maybe multiple past lifes, Zuki is the one that I am meaning rn]. And I have no real idea of how to go about dealing with this.
I feel shitty cause, like I've said, I have never been through that in this life, but it still affects me about as much as if I had. And I don't really know how to talk about this shit with people cause idk how they would react, even those that support and love me as I am [alterhuman/nonhuman stuff included] but having trauma from my past life that I haven't experienced here is kinda different.
Idk, I just want to know if anyone has any advice or anything for this situation.
Sorry for this type of post, I try not to bring too much stuff like this into my account, but I feel like I need to. I'll try and keep my posts more light-hearted or, at least of course, give trigger warnings or content warnings when they're not light-hearted.
- Zuki Shay Lupo (They/hx/it)
Art by ArtsKarely Two girls go into a Crises Recovery Center looking for answers and help. Is love the answer they’re looking for? Can love even help in the face of depression, anxiety and trauma? A story about depression, anxiety, trauma, that which leads to crises and how one recovers from it, the sort of advice I’ve learned over seven years of therapy to help with these issues and the ever pervasive question of “Can this actually help?” It is the first time I’ve thought maybe I could help people with a book but that wasn’t the intention. The intention as always with me was to give something personal and emotional. And there is probably not going to be a more personal work of mine than this. Not for a long while at least. So please, if you can, consider checking out Crises Girlfriends, available on anything with a web browser for $2.99 USD. Or less, sometimes much less, depending on where you live in the world. If instead you want a physical copy, you can get it for $11.00 USD or something close to that in other regions of the world. The back cover was also done by ArtsKarely and is a reference to something I did in the Crises Recovery Center when I went and also an event in the story where the girls pick out leaves to put positive reminders of their life onto. I’ve left them blank on the back cover so you can put down whatever will remind you of your own triumphs.
Thank you all and one final link as well as the number to the National US Crises Prevention Hotline. Please remember to reach out for help when you find yourself struggling. It’s never showing weakness or cowardice to seek help, not when what you face is always so terrifying. It only makes you all the braver for being willing to confront it as you must when seeking help. 1-800-273-8255
are there any nonhuman who are their species due to trauma with that species? I know of those who are their species caused by a trauma response but for example, a dogkin because they had been bitten by a dog
no one has to share due to trauma being a personal experience, but if anyone would like too I am very curious and would like to learn more!
New OC….
His….progression
Meet Jay. I call him Sunshine boy (I hope nothing happens to Sunshine Boy)
Oh no….
The sunshine boy is losing his colors
(TW: scopophobia, trauma)
Poor boy
He sees you
Everytime I need to fake cry I think about Fives screaming for Echo at the Citadel.
People support neurodivergents as long as they're "uwu baby"
People say they support nds one hand but
Call hypersexual people gross and "needing to touch grass"
Hate and bully people with narcissistic personality disorders
Make fun of people with OCD who have irrational compulsions
Would not support a BPD person during their maniac episodes
Call maladaptive daydreamers "weird" and "a soft main character type beat"
and so much more
to all the true crime fans out there: pls pls pls, take care of yourself and your mental capacity to handle the horrible things about the world! as someone who enjoys true crime, sometimes i feel like i consume too much of it and it effects my mindset and moods. i've noticed i get bitter and often think about gorey things, remembering strangely specific details of a horrific case. it gets so difficult to be happy when there is a voice in the back of your mind going, "remember that case you heard about yesterday? the one where the girl was tortured for 40 days?"
sometimes, its okay - and important - to take breaks from consuming true crime things. take some time for yourself, tune out the horrible stuff, play music, dance, hang out with friends, whatever you want!
this is not to say you should not listen to true crime podcasts or watch true crime videos or read true crime books. it is simply a reminder that though there are bad things happening in the world, and bad people roam the streets, there are plenty of other things to be happy about!
a puppy taking its first step, a couple getting engaged, a brother reuniting with his sister, someone getting their drivers license, someone getting their first ever binder, a girl being able to see her worth, someone finally asking out their crush, a man walking out of an abusive relationship, two best friends meeting up after ten years, someone rescuing a cat from a busy road.... and much more!!!
we know first and foremost that humanity can be evil and not deserving of life ... but i hope that we remember that, sometimes, humanity can be beautiful and cherishable.
approach me slowly and carefully: i think everything in this world is out to get me
and so far that hypothesis has been proven correct
"F*ck you my child is completely fine!"
your child listens to "Call them brothers" by Only son and Regina Spektor on repeat at 1am