Trauma - Blog Posts
What else should I say?
~ark
What is Burning?
locked in my head again
It’s awfully dark in here
I can’t find my way
•
I’ve found a pathway, maybe - a hint of ruby - it sparkles
•
I can smell something.. burning?
Following the scent - Rubies rain from the top floor of my mind
Plates shatter, tables fly
Shes looking me in the eye
Silently, she’s screaming
H e l p
PLEASE HELP
The floor caves
I’m falling - fast
So fast
I’ve hit the bottom of my mind
An abyss, if you will
I can’t reach the door
The windows are boarded up
It’s hard to breathe
There’s too much smoke
I’m suffocating
I’m suffocating
Rubies - my skin, rubies
My mind, obsidian
My body
Ash
S. S.
I don’t really know what it is and I suspect it has something to do with trauma, but I constantly feel dirty. Showering multiple times a day, washing my hair more than I should, using wipes to wipe myself down if I can’t get to a shower etc. Literally nothing helps. I feel so disgusting and it’s actually like mental torture idk what to do. It makes me break down sobbing sometimes especially right after a shower and I still feel gross. Anybody have any tips?
My father telling me to throw broken stuff from my shelf: you can't use them they're broken and won't work.
Me: Well I'm broken and I'm still working.....
you wish to have children so that they may stay by your side when you are old, so that they may bury you. but i? i don't want them to see me when i lay dying or dead. they are not allowed to.
i want to forever live on in their memory as the image of when they last saw me.
you want them to speak of your best qualities when you are gone? i want them to remember my worsts so they will never repeat them.
to me it is not so much about being remembered but about being a lesson. a cautionary tale. i will live for them, make the mistakes so they do not, i will love them. why? because that is what it means to love; to give those after a brighter, easier future.
" She's like a closed book hiding on the farthest part of a shelf, tightly hugging herself , Afraid that someone might ruin her pages again."
- H.Asteid, Ruined Pages
Let the good stuff in the tags again I not mad just disappointed. ;) Too important to not repost.
crazy how at my age my parents already had children (that they were in no way equipped to raise)
You put the best stuff in the tags again. I'm not mad just disappointed. ;) But some of this stuff is too important not to repost.
crazy how at my age my parents already had children (that they were in no way equipped to raise)
I don't know who needs to see this
Mother's Day can be a painful reminder, so here's a salute to all the kids and adult children who grew up with absent mothers, angry mothers, negligent mothers, abusive mothers, overly-critical mothers, codependent mothers, overwhelmed and struggling mothers, mothers who ignored your cries for help, mothers who sacrificed your happiness to placate others, mothers who tried to do better but failed, and mothers who didn't try quite hard enough.
And to every child and adult who has a complicated relationship with their mother or caretaker--it's okay to feel conflicted. It's okay to feel hurt and love and resentment and pain and sympathy and longing and guilt bundled up into one big tangled ball. It's okay to struggle to reconcile the bad memories with the good ones that simultaneously exist. It's okay to be angry about the ways your parent failed you, and also aware of their personal struggles, and the way their parents in turn failed them. It's okay to recognize that you were loved but also that you were treated unfairly, unkindly. Contradictions are the natural state of the world. Multiple truths coexist. It's okay to be conflicted.
Parents are humans. Human relationships are complicated, and cannot be summarized by a greeting card. Wherever you are coming from, I hope your future holds healing and love, love, love.
Things only maladaptive daydreamers know
Spending literal days in certain situations in your own reality. Nights even.
Making faces and moving lips when imagining stuff, then realising and hoping no one saw it
Having heated arguments by yourself in your room.
Spicing up everything you do with your imagination. Learning? Your suddenly a professor and have to explain that stuff to your students. Cleaning? Your comfort character is watching you while you hum songs while doing it.
h o r n y
Either not being able to watch the show/movie your reality is based of without stopping every five minutes and acting out a scene or obsessively watching this and nothing else.
Trauma
Creating whole musicals and music videos to your favourite songs in your mind
Watching something from the show/movie your reality is based on and thinking "this is so wrong. This happend differently. I live here, I should know"
Either sleeping in with your comfort character next to you every night or just imagining scenes.
Sudden conversations that make no sense to anyone but you
Weird or really violent imagination (torture, being captured and abused ect.)
Not often dreaming about your own reality even though you practically live there every day (or is it just me?)
Googling "imaginary friends at age [...] normal?" in your teenage years
Thinking they be gone soon but here you are, maladaptivly daydreaming your problems away.
Improving your character and your story so often that it's now so detailed you could write literally about ten to twelve books about it. Fuck.
alrighty, pope's dead. share your most memorable Childhood Catholic Trauma in the notes
🍕🥶😎🍄🔥
Life update: Mood swings and depression are at an all-time high. Very horrible. Im not myself lately. I'm mean, nasty, and lashing out at all my loved ones. Trying to convince them to hate me, because if they hate me they can't be sad when im dead. Im actively suicidal and always very close to doing something or hurting myself. Exhausting. I went to the doctors today. Wanted to tell her about my horrible depression, but my mother was there. Got cold feet. Doctor told me Neurology doesn’t do POTS testing at ucsf but Cardiology does, so I’m getting referred for possible table testing. And the Disease place replied back to her and is requesting testing for Lyme because of everything I told them about how sick I am/get , so I had blood work done today. If I come back negative then I don't have to worry at all about it, apparently. But they are running three different types of testing and splotches to make sure. Unfortunately nothing back from mental health though. Which I need badly. I break down crying at nothing Im just awful in every way...How can he say im getting better..?
I am in a lot of pain, and very emotionally unstable. Everything feels 20x harder on me today. I just want to be done with everything. Gonna smoke some and try to sleep, if the pain doesn't stop me.
What an odd unexpected morning...
Last night, after getting some flashbacks and remembering something that happened to me when I was 15 with a 21-year-old. We had a very toxic, manipulative, and abusive relationship. A lot of suicide guilt trips, and other unsavory things. I couldn’t exactly leave even when I tried, because he would threaten himself and me. I got into this weird dissociative fog after a massive panic attack, rereading old logs we had shared nearly 8 years ago. Something in me snapped and pressed that I needed to reach out. So I did. I didn't think I would ever get a reply back, but just the attempt felt enough. Surprisingly...He did, in fact, reply, hours later. I felt a little more than horrified, and of course, broke into another panic attack, my heart was racing and I was trembling. But.. we talked. For a short period of time. I told him why I had messaged him. What he did to me and how I felt and how I still felt. He told me he was sorry for what he did and had/has been in therapy since then and is a better person than he was nearly 10 years ago. He asked me if he could have my forgiveness and I told him I could forgive him as a person, but his actions would take longer. Overall things went ok, and a part of me feels better. He was only one of many who had hurt me, but probably one of the only ones I’d ever be able to get an apology from and know they felt guilt and remorse for what they did to me. So.. I’m glad I was able to do this for myself as scary as it was. In a way at this point in time that scary awful toxic abusive guy that I knew is gone, I don’t have to worry about his existence anymore, I have one less person to be afraid of. He can’t hurt me anymore ever again. I hope somewhere deep inside that this has healed at least a tiny part of me.
Only a few days ago I posted and shared a powerful moment on my Instagram. The headlining caption started, "I HATE MY MOTHER FOR THIS!", and was about my trauma surrounding hygenic grooming.
Y'all, my mother started texting me about hair removal techniques almost immediately. I think she found me and is stalking me (typical her behavior, she stalks her exs too.)
I cannot begin to express the fury I felt getting these critical and pointless messages. Like, if you're stalking me, maybe read what I have to say???
Having trauma sucks and all but what really blows is that I didn’t even get the kind of trauma that makes you mysterious and edgy and cool— I just have the stupid ass trauma that makes you talk about Warhammer too much
You are allowed to be flawed. You are allowed to be vulnerable. You are allowed to be a complex individual with many layers beneath the surface. You are allowed to have opinions that don't agree with the status quo. You are allowed to live & take up space however you need to. You are allowed to speak your mind. You are allowed to keep your peace of mind protected. You are allowed to cultivate a definition of life you can agree with.
Don't sabotage your future peace because familiar chaos is comfortable.
Don't sabotage your future peace because familiar chaos is comfortable.
Mental pain brings knowledge, understanding, energy and uplift.
Sometimes I meditate well, and sometimes I don't. In general, I have had more impressive experiences meditating when I'm in pain, suffering, or fear than when I'm just peaceful and comfortable.
In my experience, meditation makes mental suffering such as trauma worse. It is a pain that feels like picking and tearing a wound. No matter how much I wanted to run away, I couldn't. There were also cases where pain, fear, anxiety, etc. suddenly occurred like a seizure during daily life. I tried a lot to escape from them, but eventually I realized it was no use and gave up. I turn to myself when pain arises. And every time that happens, these pains get stronger and bigger and continue like an endless abyss, but at some point they disappear.
I suddenly gain some knowledge, some understanding from these sufferings. And when I apply this knowledge to myself and reinterpret situations and reality, that is, when I change my perspective, it evokes in me a feeling of comfort and a sense of a constant flowing current. I am buzzing and vibrating.
It certainly doesn't feel very good, but something definitely feels better.
I would like to encourage you to apply these when you encounter the inevitable problems in life. There is no point in doing something. You just have to endure it. Change happens when you stop resisting and just let the pain be and focus on who you are.
And if you want to experience some progress in your meditation, I encourage you to look for your mental pain, fears and anxieties. When you face them, they come to mind. However, when you ignore them and focus on your being, they break down into energy and integrate into you. It's physical vitality and feeling and feeling better. It gives you strength and energy, like putting together a piece of dictation.
I think about these frames daily basis. could they get even sillier?
i cannot pour from an empty cup, universe
but i hope whatever comes would be something that my heart and mind be ready for.
and please i hope i have shoes when it comes
In my Naruto villain era (experiencing multi-episode flashbacks that make me realise my tragic backstory is even tragic-er than I thought)