Tw Abuse - Blog Posts
so ive been a fan of wilbur since 2019. ive gone through a lot of stuff with wilbur being my comfort person and my special interest. someone literally everyone in my life knows about because i talk about him constantly.
when i watched the vod i too instantly knew it was him. i think us older fans weren't really even doubting it to be honest...i know i wasnt even tho i wish it weren't him. its him. i know its him. and it breaks my heart into pieces to be so sure.
ive had a really bad flare up of my chronic pain, my migraines wont stop for three days now, i cant sleep, my ear is ringing constantly. its been horrible. and im sending this anonymously because i dont want this to be about me the individual. im not saying this to get pitty. im just trying to say...
it sucks. it fucking sucks. to have so much of your personality and hobbies wrapped around someone just for them to turn out to be an abuser. a bad person. its humiliating. it makes me feel stupid. i feel disgusted and gross to have ever supported him.
i want to say to others and to people younger than me who are probably having a worse time that its more than okay to grieve losing him. but do it. grieve. let him go. and move on.
because he is not worth any more time or energy. not someone who doesn’t understand consent. not someone who only cares how something Looks rather than his partner being in pain. he isnt worth your love. you are worth your love. so let him go, grieve, and let's all learn not to trust people we don't personally know. i know i needed to learn this the hard way...
I don't have anything to add here but I wanted to share it.
Same. It’s interesting to see how she’s progressed and become more of her own person. Her being able to laugh and snapping back at Drax “I wasn’t done talking!” makes it so nice to see.
I feel like we aren't talking about Mantis enough.
The fact that she is Ego's daughter makes it all the more fucked up when you realise she used to call him "master" Ego, literally only let Mantis live, just to make her his slave.
When we see her in Vol 2, she's always nervous and anxious, let's people degrade her because that's probably all she ever know, again calling back to how she refers to herself as a "flea with a purpose"
She's a victim of abuse.
I seen a lot of people say that she's just as bad as Ego, because she was complacent in his scheme — but let me tell you as someone who as has been in an abusive relationship before... IT IS NOT THAT EASY!
It is very difficult to break out of an abusive situation, the abuser has a way to break you down to your very core. The fact that Mantis was finally able to find the courage to break out of that is admirable enough.
Mantis in Vol 2 and Mantis in the holiday special are two competely different people, she's confident, ready to take charge of the situation and in an better headspace altogether. She's thriving under Guardians and finally living up her potential, because she's surrounded by people who love her.
I'm so happy and proud of her ❤
IMPORTANT, PLEASE READ IF POSSIBLE!!
HI, I'm Finn, an artist, etc, and for the past few years of my life I've been battling an insane amount with my home life, and it's gotten to a point it's dangerous for me to live here. I opened a GoFundMe earlier, and want to share it here now as well, as I really need all the help I can get! I'm doing everything I can to get out of my abusive household currently, but need a lil extra bit of help!
If possible, even just sharing it around, or donating just a dollar or so helps! And is greatly appreciated! I also have commissions open currently, so if donations arent your thing.. I'd love to draw something for you in return!
I'm not gonna lie I'm not really a fan of when people who aren't bi make slutty bisexual jokes unless it's with friends who they're comfortable with like that is. a thing that we are stereotyped for and it is actually a thing that makes people hate us and puts us in danger. so.
Facebook when a woman is beaten by her boyfriend: 😡😡😡😡😠😠😠😠😱😱😱😭
Facebook when a man is beaten by his girlfriend: 😍😍😍😍😍🤣🤣🤣😂😂😘😘✌️✌️✌️
How to talk someone out of suicide?
I met someone on this random app the other day who wanted me to read their suicide note. I talked them out of suicide but they still want to do it tonight. I don't know exactly where they live soni can't get them help. I don't know anyone who lives close to them. They say they have no one and that their dad rapes them and their mom is dead, they've never met their extended family and their friends r shit. Any advice?
They can't leave their house, if anyone lives in LA would b able.tondrive them it would b good to know
⇆ any of your older ranger OCs in Desire! (Or how they react to Dru in general lol)
Just to be clear, I have an entire AU idea where Ash stayed in Sky’s life and beat Dru with a steel chair. I think about this all the time.
Sky has intentionally not told any of them about him— mostly because Addi will track him down and kill him while making it look like an accident.
So hypothetically if they were swapped into Desire…
Sage would be more focused on Sky himself— dragging him out of there and making sure he doesn’t die
Jamie’s coming up with a huge plan and probably synthesizing the antidote in the back of Bridge’s trailer
Addi is surprisingly calm. It is because she has already figured out how to kill Dru while making it look like an accident on the drive there.
Ash is obviously pissed and wants to beat Dru to death with a steel chair, but as the closest thing to a parental figure Sky has at the moment she’s trying her fucking best to make sure he’s okay and drag him away to Kat and get him fixed up.
Bonus: If Schuyler was there… oh, boy. As the child of an abusive relationship, he’s gotta sit there and go like “Ah, fuck, my son is making the same mistakes my mom and Lina did.” Like he’s going to feel guilty that he didn’t teach Sky the warning signs well enough and then cry into a pillow for two hours and then apologize non-stop for failing Sky (Sky: Dad, what???)
Does Percy ever have any trauma from Gabe?
I mean, in Tartarus, he says it smells like Gabe and I cannot fail to acknowledge his self-esteem issues which Gabe contributed to, but I mean more specific trauma like hating beer and gambling, etc. Something like that?
Percy has suffered due to Gabe for a long time, which contributes quite a lot to his trauma. You see, Rirodan was writing a children's book, and he didn't want to go down too many uncomfortable details, but the signs were there. A lot of them. And despite the canon's inconsistencies, Gabe is at least mentioned in accurate context every small time that he is referenced.
Rick, however, just to be safe, makes Percy's personality so that Percy avoids thinking of Gabe, and rightfully so. Let's take this slow. Because two important things, Percy's situation in the first book and all his issues are due to Gabe and, of course, he carries forward trauma from those situations, so what are they?
1.
Physical abuse is a part that is usually glossed over by the readers to some extent, even though it's in the first book. What I am trying to say is it is always acknowledged that Percy was abused, but rarely does the fandom go down the rabbit hole of specifics. If you see it once, you won't stop seeing it.
Gabe has both verbally and physically abused Percy so much that he has an extreme amount of self-esteem issues and a self-depreciating personality.
Not only did Gabe abuse Percy, but he also made Percy work part-time jobs or side hustles just to get extra money from Percy. Mind you, Percy was barely 12 in the first book, probably still 11, and this had been going for a while.
2.
If that wasn't enough Gabe controlled the budget of the family, not allowing Sally to spend more than he allowed and he splurged most money gambling so Percy grew up in very poor conditions but was sent to boarding schools with rich people which led to a lot of bullying from their end. Since Percy fought back, he somehow earned the per usual misnomer of being a troubled kid.
Cue all his expulsions. Some may be due to monster business, but most were definitely due to Percy fighting against bullies. Why is that notable? This is the start of Percy's anger issues. Percy has a lot of repressed anger from home due to Gabe and not being able to fight him (he hasn't tapped into his power yet, at least not enough of it). Plus, the bullies and horrible living conditions all contribute to Percy's attitude.
3.
Now, if you remember, in Book 1, Gabe threatens Percy severely so that he won't harm his car. But Percy was 12, and he himself says he wasn't going to be driving, but that wouldn't stop Gabe from blaming him. This means Gabe blamed Percy for everything, relevant or otherwise. We can see this in Percy's behavior when he immediately correlates every mistake as his fault and is always reflexively seen taking the blame for everything, even those that weren't his fault.
This scene actually creates a nice parallel against that scene in Book 5 where Percy is on a drive with Rachel in Paul's car and he is very suprised that Paul himself offered the car to him and didn't even impose any rules on Percy. He is however very worried when Blackjack dents the car because even though Paul is not Gabe, Percy has this natural fear against him at least subconsciously but is also very suprised when Paul doesn't get at all angry over the dent. It's such a sweet moment for Percy; he gets to learn how good fathers are.
3.
You mentioned gambling and drinking. Percy shows great dislike for the game in book 1, but he is forced to play cause of Dionysus. He's relatively good at it but doesn't play because he associates the game with Gabe. Same for alcohol. There's a line in the book where Percy says he knows how to recognize when others have been drinking or, as Percy calls it, hitting the happy juice. Obviously, alcohol makes Percy uncomfortable in itself, and he immediately dislikes Dionysus because he is a drunkard and a poker player along with a build similar to Gabe, which makes Percy naturally dislike him greatly. It doesn't help that Dionysus is a complete asshole but his initial natural dislike of Mr. D is due to Gabe.
4.
We all joke about how Percy is a fugitive and known terrorist in tons of states. This is all Gabe's fault. Percy gets in such problems with the law all due to Gabe and how he set literally every police department possible on Percy's trail. Now Percy, being Percy, he manipulates the officers to get on their good side, but he obviously still has problems with the law due to this entire fiasco.
The fandom likes to say that Percy got all his dark aura after Tartarus, but Percy has literally had killing intent since he was 12. One of his first lines in the book is "I am going to kill her" in reference to Nancy Bobofit. He gets gut punched by the realization that Gabe has been hitting his Mom. Gabe literally raised his hand against Sally in front of Percy in book 1. You can't tell me Percy recovered from that. He thinks then too of pulling Riptide and killing Gabe but realizes it wouldn't work on Gabe. Now Percy, who almost always means exactly what he says when talking to people, calls Gabe 'human by the loosest definition.' A 12 year old thinks that you can imagine how bad the situation was.
After Book 1, Rick heavily avoids mentioning abuse in his book cause he is trying to write for kids, but it shows.
Percy thinks of Gabe when he first accidentally iris messages in on one of his Mom's and Paul's dates. Percy is immediately suspicious, which is obviously why Sally hadn't told him anything before this. She wasn't completely sure about Paul, and she also didn't want Percy to worry. When Percy sees her laugh with Paul, he thinks of how much trouble his Mom went through with Gabe.
This is important because after Book 1 when Percy finally learns why Sally kept Gabe around in his head he twists the narrative as his Mom suffered Gabe, not that both he and Sally but only Sally suffered Gabe and why? To protect him. He BLAMES himself for something that's obviously completely not his fault. But in his head, he ends up masking his own pain and considering only Sally's pain valid. This is why Percy doesn't talk to anyone about Gabe and also why everyone thinks Gabe was a bit of a jerk but not an abuser. We literally see PERCY DO THIS TO HIMSELF. Same thing in The Last Olympian. Same thing in Mark of Athena. He talks about how his Mom suffered by staying in the awful marriage, not about himself.
5.
Now the famous House of Hades scene. See Tartarus draws out negative emotions and experiences and worst nightmares of a person to feast on. This is very telling because despite the endless life-death situations Percy has been in ,he thinks of Gabe. Because to Percy, self suffering is no suffering at all. But his Mom suffering is the worst of all. Now Annabeth obviously doesn't get the cue because she has no idea about how Percy lived in his past. While it is true that Annabeth cannot be held responsible for not getting why Percy brought up Gabe in Tartarus and took it as Percy making a joke; a case can be made against Annabeth's lack of initiative to learn more about Percy's life before all this. I digress as that's a completely different discussion. Point stands is that Percy is so unbelievably broken yet loyal that he doesn't even consider his own pain valid.
The next mention of Gabe is directly in Chalice of the Gods. Percy rather openly thinks how much he hated family dinners with Gabe. Also, he has a very nice conversation with Sally soon after he recovers from being turned into a child, where he talks about how powerless being a child felt and how afraid he was. I am certain that the implications indicate at both monsters and Gabe and how a young Percy had been very afraid of both situations but more of Gabe than monsters. Go figure.
It's plenty clear how much trauma Percy has from Gabe and how much he has trained his mind to either avoid it or redirect it elsewhere lest he regress into bitterness and anger issues.
It's probably longer than you expected, but I like systematic exploration of points, hence the long rant. I have done my best to break it down, so it's easier to follow. Also, I am very, very happy for this ask as I really love to explore Percy's personality and Percy's powers. Feel free to send me more along this line of thought.
@fourcornersofcreation ,@hermesmyplatonicbeloved, @helenofsparta2 , @ogjacksonsimp, and @berrybore have all also made posts exploring some of Percy's trauma and they will probably have things to add as well. So please check their posts on this topic as well in case I missed anything.
Scars ~ BLD Mini-Fic
[SPOILER WARNING FOR THOSE WHO HAVEN'T READ ANYTHING ON THE BLOG]
content warnings: tw scars, tw abuse (could be interpreted that way) tw self harm (tried to make it ambigious to fit with whatever oc you imagine to be in this fic) tw bad accidents (could also be interpreted this way) (Y/n in this has scars)
While this mini-fic doesnt have any NSFW things, this fandom is still heavily 18+. Please respect the author's wishes and DNI.
You yawned, the early morning sun and subtly refreshing breeze filling you with a sense of calm. It was so rare to have a perfectly nice day to enjoy. Work taking up a lot of your life, now that you'd moved into this small, but bustling town.
As you thought up ways to fully enjoy your day off, a shadow loomed over your shoulder. The finger poking you sending your heart into a split-second coma, shoulders jumping in confusion and fear. "Heh...", A slight chuckle escaped from your mystery stranger.
"Morning, Y/n. It's just me." Mr. Mystery stranger- Your new friend James, teased. His voice reverberated next to your ear, sending your head to snap in his direction. "Holy fuck-" You exclaimed, heart once again stuttering in your chest as you stared at the green eyes in front of you. Your expression must have been funny, from the way James seemed to smirk. It was a bit hard to tell from his mask, but the amused chuckles that followed made it clearer.
You let out a relieved breath, "Jeeze you asshole...", his laughter infecting you as you let out a small chuckle of your own. Your thoughts quickly turned to confusion, though. How did James know where to find you? You'd just stepped out of your apartment complex...
"Morning to you too, James. But eh.. How'd you know i was here?" You asked curiously, looking up at him. James was a pretty attractive person. His black and red hair, long and wild, was eye catching, reminding you of the night you both met. His dark green eyes seeming to pierce through anyone who met it's gaze, unraveling everyone's intentions onto a silver platter for him to see. Snapping you out of your daze and replying to your question, James gave a noncommittal shrug, "Just looking for somewhere to get breakfast.", he blinked, gaze turning back to you, "Why?You live here?" Ah...that made sense. Jeeze.. look at you overthinking things again.
Your mouth formed into a smile as you nimbly dodged the latter question, "Why not get breakfast together!", you offered cheerily. He glanced at you for a hearbeat before responding. The feeling of being read crawling up your skin. "Sounds good to me." James finally replied. And you felt like you could hear a smile in his tone as a shiver of relief washed away that eerie feeling.
You and James went to the local diner. Nothing super fancy, but it was full of familiar and comforting smells, which made it good enough for you and James to grab a quick bite. Well...more like for you to grab a quick bite, and James to grab something to drink. James never took his mask off around you... or anyone as far as you could tell. Putting down the menu after choosing what you wanted to order, your thoughts drifted, as you waited for a waiter or waitress to come over. Your thoughts inevitably decided to focus on James. I wonder why he never takes off his mask around me... You mumbled wordlessly to yourself, trailing your fingers on the spine of the menu. Weak immune system, maybe? Or... perhaps.. facial scars? What ever it was, though, you promised yourself not to pester him about it. Having a weak immune system was personal medical stuff. And you'd had first hand experience with the shame that came with scars. Your gaze trailed down to your hands, which had some cuts here and their. All from different life experiences and situations. Some from accidents. Some with...different backstories. "Are you okay?" The words brought you out of your haze. You looked up at James, and then noticed the waiter at the side of the table, eyes nervously flitting between you and James. "Oh... oh yeah I'm alright!" You said, waving your hand in dismissal, as you took the chance to relay your order to the waiter. James ordered a mint choc chip milkshake, one of his go to drinks. "A milkshake at this hour?" You lightly teased, watching him roll his eyes in response. A beat of familiar silence rose up, as your gaze trailed back to your hands. Tracing them with your eyes. "Y/n." James called out. Once again pulling you out of your thoughts. "Huh-? Yeah?" You responded, half confused...until you saw him glance at your hands for a second, before his green eyes landed on yours.
"I want a real answer this time. Are you alright?" Jame's tone was stern, but held a genuine softness inside it. "Pfft...", You let out a small laugh, "I'm fine. I really am." But with one glance at his face, you could tell he didn't take any of your words seriously. Your eyes shift back down to your hands, the second time today. Taking a small breath in, you add, "It was a long time ago. I don't see them the way I used to.", you pause, searching for a way to articulate your feelings, "To me now...it's proof that I survived. That I was able to move forward." You look back up, looking in Jame's eyes. They were slightly unfocused, but still trained on you. He let out a soft, but ambiguous hum of acknowledgement. Smiling, you looked to ease the heavy fog of awkward gloom. "So yeah..I guess you could say these are battle scars from duking it out with life and coming on top." You chirped, your smile turning into a satisfied grin. His gaze softened at that. An amused eye roll telling you that your efforts were at least slightly successful.
James stared at you as you ate, the conversation from earlier... despite bringing up some bad memories...making him feel a soft fuzzy feeling only you could give to him. Maybe you wouldn't question his scars once he revealed them to you. Maybe you wouldn't look at him like he was...disgusting. Maybe you wouldn't judge him. He could feel his patience starting to thin. The deepest part of his mind telling him, yelling at him, to take you away. He had to make you his. No... you already were his. And he would never let you go.
NEVER
James belongs to the amazing -> @hotpinkmoon aka Moonie!
The Moon Singing on Homely Nights
The moon sings softly on the nights Esther climbs in through her brother’s window. These nights turn sparser as Amador stays in his new apartment across the country. During these nights, her heart beats in a lulled pace while she sits on his empty bed.
There’s a soft click as she unlatches the window and when she crawls in, she makes sure to land on her toes. She finds more than just her older brother. She doesn’t know what she’ll see or what she hopes to see. When she’d last seen him, he’d slammed the door, tears streaking down his face and voice hoarse from screaming. She still doesn’t have the full pieces from the fight that led to her father’s roaring voice startling their home into silence and the unusual pitch of Amador’s voice as he walked out the door.
She opens his bedroom door to see if he is in the living room or spending his time in a library. She hopes he’s found a library he likes here despite all that has transpired.
Amador’s head is lolled on the couch, his mouth parted and dead to the world. His body is slightly tilted with one arm around his childhood friend, Maya’s sleeping form who was hugging her brother’s waist. The ugly green blanket Esther had gifted him as a joke is bunch around their feet as if kicked. There’s Snakes n Ladders, playing cards, and Candyland strewn across the table.
Maya had always filled Amador’s head with ideas—little fantasies that didn’t include Esther most likely that he could escape into. Frowning, she steps forward, fully planning to yank the woman out but the floor creaks loudly under her feet. They both jolt open, Amador’s shaking his head and Maya drags her hands across her face to remove her hair from her mouth, scrunching her face.
When Amador turns around to face the source of the sound, he finds her face and gives a dopey smile. ‘Hey, you’re home. When d’you come here?’
This is the first time she heard him call this place home, and a little piece of Esther’s heart cracks as if he’s renouncing the family home. Something vicious crawls onto Esther’s tongue as she bites out, ‘Thought you’d know that you’ve not succeeded in getting rid of me yet.’
Milas flinches as hurt flashes across his face, and in an instant, Maya grips his arm. Esther can never guess how Maya knows that while still keeping her piercing gaze fixed on her.
‘I don’t want to get rid of you,’ Amador says in confusion before letting out a shaky laugh, ‘no matter how annoying you are, you little rugrat.’
Esther should ideally know that. She doesn’t have the full pieces of the fight he had with mom and dad, or the unfamiliar way he’s glancing at Esther, still wary but now distant. Even in the moonlight, she can see the color back on his face, the surety of his movements as he tidies up the table and the blanket to give Esther a place to sit.
When Maya flicks on the floor lamp in the corner, his eyes crinkle at Esther and he pats the seat next to him. His cheeks are no longer sallow, his face no longer as pale as Esther, and he no longer sways in a way that makes Esther worry that a faint breeze could have knocked the husk of a rock her brother used to be.
Her brother had been wasting away for months, and Esther had not noticed.
From the corner of her eyes, Maya walks in with two plates balanced in a tray and slides the biggest portion of what looks like heated leftover lasagna to her brother, glancing warily, as she reminds him, ‘You’d promised you’d eat tomorrow nine hours ago. It’s 12:03. Eat up.’
She offers another to Esther as she leisurely nibbles on peanuts to keep her brother company. Her brother makes a little face at the size, and Maya produces a bar of chocolate in her fingers seemingly out of thin air as a bribe and chews obnoxiously loud until he drops it. He slouches to rest his head on Maya’s shoulders in acquiesce like Esther had seen him do a thousand times since she could remember, and the woefully domestic scene sours her heart.
Her plate remains untouched and she nods her head in gratitude for the food and the company. She makes excuses poorly at best and outlandish at worst, and walks out the door.
One day, she would know the words of the fight and Amador’s dreams if he’d let her, but for now, she takes the earliest train home. As she looks through the window, she sees her mother’s eyes with dark circles underneath. They both have her eyes, but this new Amador’s eyes gleam bright enough to quiet the moon.
Stupid Mistake
Sting of a slap, hot flash
Mother’s love, mother’s rage
charred coal searing ash–
There’s nothing left in my page.
Home Alone
When a plate falls with a sharp clatter
To the ground unbroken, terror claws into
you and demands you to beg to a looming
Shadow on the freezing kitchen tiles:
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll clean it up. I’m so sorry.
I don't know about the world? Really? I'm a kid who grew up on the internet. I'm trans, I have a girlfriend in a world that believes I'm a girl, I'm still suicidal, I know about all the wars going on, I am a victim of all kinds of fucking abuse.
And you, tell me I don't how harsh this world is? All my father figures fucking abused me. I want to believe the world isn't so bad but thats all your seeing. Why are you even telling me this i just said I wanted to be a counsellor wth
You know me? Yeah right. You know the version of me i use around others to get them to like me. To think of me as a good person.
Sorry just needed to vent lol
behavioural and emotional patterns of living in abuse:
you spend most of your time shut in your room
you’re scared of footsteps approaching your door
you prefer not to come out unless there’s nobody home
when they come back you run to your room/safe place
you’re nervous and anxious if you have to spend time in presence of others
you try to get away from your home, you wish you could live somewhere else
your self-confidence is very low
you worry about making too much noise (have a feeling you’ll get yellet at or abused for it)
you try to move around as silently as possible and try to not be noticed by anyone
you feel uncomfortable and uneasy sitting at the same table as rest of family/housemates
you don’t feel like you belong here
you feel like a burden to your housemates
you don’t feel like you’re worth having around or supporting in any way
you don’t feel like anyone will ever love you or believe in you
you don’t feel like anything you do is good enough
you can’t stand someone watching you do things like cleaning or anything else you need to get done
you try really hard to still find good points about your life and cling to them
you strongly worry that you are somehow worse than anyone else
you feel like you’re behind on everyone and that you’re failing to live your life properly
you don’t feel like anything would have changed if you died, or even that it would be better if you did
if you’re experiencing most of this, you’re going through abuse. Your value isn’t in any way less than other humans, and you are absolutely not any kind of burden. You are human who is forced to live in a way humans aren’t meant to live. You are in living conditions that disable you from feeling happy, fulfilled, or even seeing yourself as a human being. You are suffering. What is being done to you is not okay. You deserve better than this.
Mommy issues core is seeing a cute tag on Tumblr called “mama posting” and looking through it and smiling at all the cute animals and then putting your phone down and staring at the ceiling for half an hour because these random ass creatures love their babies more than your mother has loved you (or, worse, just as much as she used to love you, because she doesn’t anymore. You know that. Stop lying to yourself)
What if muggle AU Sirius and Remus meet in a mental hospital. What if Sirius is angsty and suicidal from his parent’s abuse and Remus keeps having panic attacks due to being in a car accident that left him physically disabled and they meet there. What if Sirius is grumpy and mean and aggressive because of trauma and Remus is quiet and jumpy and shy because of his pre-existing anxiety. What if Sirius takes a liking to Remus because he never treats Sirius like he’s some kind of bomb about to be exploded and that fascinates him. What if they get close because Sirius looks for people to protect after the death of his brother and Remus definitely needs protecting. What if they get close because Sirius needs someone to support him and help him stay calm and Remus is really good at both of those things. What if they learn to lean on each other and accept help together. What if they sit together and listen to music together while Sirius draws and Remus reads. What if James comes to visit Sirius and he’s so much calmer and even smiles and when he asks about it Sirius talks about this cute boy with freckles and a cane who sometimes needs a wheelchair and has the sweetest laugh. What if Hope and Lyall come to visit Remus and see how much he’s come out of his shell and how much more comfortable he’s gotten, and when they ask why, tells them about this boy with long hair and piercings and the sharpest wit he’s ever seen. What if they slowly get closer and closer and closer while bettering their mental health. What if they fall in love with each other more and more while watching each other become healthier and healthier.
Sirius who is so fucking confused when Remus doesn’t hit him. Whose memories of romance are all centred around his parents yelling and hitting, but everyone says marriage means they’re in love, so they must be. Who assumes that blood and broken bones and insults are all as much a part of a relationship as kissing and touching and giggling. Who wonders, one day, when he’s a little high and a little drunk, if Remus really loves him like he says he does if he won’t hurt him. Who gets on his knees and begs Remus to hit him, to hurt him, to make him bleed, because that’s all he knows.
Abusers are generally great at something called “manufacturing insecurity”. It means, even if you’ve never been insecure about something, abuser will create an insecurity about it, solely for the purpose of emotionally manipulating you. Meaning, when you’re not doing, saying, or thinking what they want, they have a go at your “insecurity”, triggering your pain, fear, guilt, shame, everything they taught you to feel, as a way to teach you that this pain is what you’re going to get if you fail to obey them.
It’s not exactly hard to manufacture an insecurity (provided you are cruel and vicious), all you have to do is take a social norm and convince a person they aren’t good enough in one or all departments. You convince a person they’re too loud, too fat, too ugly, slow, naive, gullible, stupid, lazy, selfish, sexual, provocative, demanding, and that this is the reason why they will always fail, it’s a reason why they keep getting hurt, it’s a reason why nobody will ever love or care for them. It’s utterly cruel, and an absolute lie. Deviating from the “norm” in any way is not a reason of any of those things, if you’re getting hurt it’s because people are hurting you, if you’re unloved it’s because people around you refuse to show affection and care. These things cannot be the individual’s fault, it’s always the environment setting person up for pain. And abusers already know this. But they make a step to convince a victim it’s all their fault, everything others do to them, their fault. And even worse, that they deserved being hurt.
This kind of nonsense blaming everything on unrelated trait of individual can lead to a person getting terrified they could have somehow caused horrible things just by being themselves, that it’s impossible to even predict what might happen to them just because they’re “this way” or another. It creates an atmosphere of panic and confusion, and they find themselves seeing no way forward but to accept guidance from abuser. Abuser then pretends to know what victim is to do in order to avoid pain and failure - of course, only up to the point when abuser decides to inflict pain on purpose, to control and manipulate.
You’re not stupid if you fall for this kind of trap, it’s designed to work on people who are self-aware, who work on getting themselves better, who are trying their hardest. You don’t even have to lack confidence, abusers will take a confident person and eat their confidence away. And once caught in this situation, it might be hard to believe that someone would stoop that that kind of cruelty and lie to you while knowing perfectly well that you are good, that there’s no reason on earth to criticize your traits, that you have nothing to be ashamed of. That you haven’t deserved any of it.
For example Frederick Douglas’ wife did so much for his ungrateful ass. She helped him get on his feet, gave him her last name, and supported him financially and took care of house and home. And in return was does this nigga do? He lets white abolitionists tear her down and treat her like a slave in HER HOUSE. Moved two bitches into HER HOUSE over a span of 20 years. Belittles her for being illiterate while using HER MONEY. Not even in death does she get the respect she deserves. His last wife is more recognized as being apart of his life than she was. Just trash. And y'all still normalize that shit as if it’s a black woman’s job to struggle. Fuck that.
Time for more bad memories from my life as Zuki. I have debated about posting this a few times but I think I need to, to get it off my chest or whatever you wanna say.
Tw/cw: (failed) suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, self harm, death of a family member, grief, and abuse. Let me know if I missed any tw/cw.
There were times right after I turned 14 years old as Zuki (my aunt, who I looked up to so much, died on my 14th birthday so yeah) that I ended up going to the top of my middle school building [I couldn't fly at the time] and was debating jumping from it, I never did.
But a few days after my 14th birthday, all the grief and anger and shit I felt from my aunt's death (she was a hero, and she died fighting some villains) had gotten to be too much for me to deal with and I went to a part of the middle school that pretty much no one went to and pretty much everyone wouldn't have cared about me anyways.
Anyway, I went to the secluded place of the school and I had a knife in my backpack, I always carried it with me, not only because of self-harm tendencies but also because it was a gift from my aunt who died. I thought I was alone, cause who in their right mind would be in this part of that school? (Neither of us there were in our right mind, so I guess that answers that, lol).
Anyway, I took the knife and cut pretty deep on my arms and legs. I had put down something, I think it was my jacket, to try and make less of a mess with the blood cause I didn't wanna cause too much more trouble, lol. But someone who I didn't really know well (I kinda wish it stayed that way, but whatever) came and helped me to the nurse's room. If that nurse could have let me just die, she would've, but she didn't wanna get in trouble with my older sibling, lol.
Anyways, that nurse just did the bare minium, so I wouldn't die. I talked a bit with the girl who saved me. She seemed nice (seemed is the key word there). After the school day ended, it was like only an hour or so cause I did this during my free period, which was my last 'class' of the day. After the bell rang, I walked to a little medical building that [mainly] was for those with no quirks, hated quirks, etc. So because of this, it didn't have a mandatory reporting thing, which was good for me, cause I didn't want anyone else to know that I tried to kill myself and failed. But yeah, the lady who helped me then was very nice and I would continue to go there when I needed medical stuff.
The girl who saved me, about a week or so later, came up to me and said she liked me romantically. While I am (was?) cupioromantic, I didn't know that at the time, so I thought I liked her romantically as well, so I told her that and we started dating.
It was great at first, but after about 2 weeks or so of dating, she started to hurt me, while I did technically know this wasn't good, I had believed it had to be different here and that she was still good and everything (she wasn't, the abusive asshole).
Eventually, when I was like 15 and ½ years old or something like that, I realized I didn't feel romantic attraction at all and told my 'girlfriend' and broke up with her. It didn't go well.
She ended up stabbing me a few times, shit happened. Afterwards, I went to that same medical building I mentioned before and they helped me not die.
Eventually, I realized that my ex was probably only with me cause she wanted someone easy to hurt and shit. Idk just probably wasn't love from her end.
- Zuki Shay Lupo (They/it) | I could go more into detail about probably all of this but I'm not gonna right now
6th poem to post.
Tw/cw: fighting dog mentions, trauma (hinted at), abuse (hinted at), and aggressive dog mentions.
Trained Fighting Dog
I'm a fighting dog.
That's what I was
Made and trained for.
But you lie and say
"We did our best
To give her a
Good life and love."
You act innocent
When you are the
Ones who made me
Like this, a monster.
Yet somehow you
Make it out to be
Me who is the problem.
I'm a fighting dog.
Made and trained to be.
I do what you say
I do what you make me.
I am aggressive cause
Of what you did
I wish I wasn't.
5th poem to post. Another dog & wolf related poem, lol. A lot of my poems are canine related cause of me being a canine kin [specifically wolfdog kin].
Tw/cw: biting mention, abuse hinted at(?), and I think that's all. Let me know if you find any tw/cw I didn't add that I need to.
- Zuki Shay Lupo (They/it/xe) [trying something new with my sign off thing on my poem posts]
Roll Over/Growl
I think that
I should roll over
And whine sorry
Over and over again
But instead I growl
I bare my teeth
And snap at you
I bite and growl
I should roll over
I should say sorry
I should be a good dog
A good wolf
But I'm not
I growl and bite
I'm a bad dog
A bad wolf
I should roll over
I growl and snap
I should whine sorry
I bare my teeth and bite
I'm sorry I'm not good
I bite even when
You try to help me
For I'm scared
I'm sorry I'm bad
I growl even when
You're kind for I don't
Know when you'll stop
Second poem to post.
Tw/cw: abuse but not named. Nothing else I can think of but let me know if you find anymore.
Another canine/dog related poem.
Trying something different with the read more thing being after the title of the poem.
I love like a dog
I love like a dog
Always going back
To people who hurt me
Cause that's what I
Was taught that love is
I love like a dog
Always letting people
I love hurt me
Cause that's what I
Was taught that love is
I love like a dog
Always waiting for
People to hurt me
Cause that's what I
Was taught that love is
I love like a dog
I hurt the people
I love just the same
Cause that's what I
Was taught that love is
More bad memories from my life as Zuki. Cause of course my brain hates me.
Tw: abuse, school abuse[? Idk what to call it], muzzles, quirk discrimination, shock collars, bullying, I think that's it for this one?
When I was younger, my bio mother was told to use a muzzle and shock collar that "neutralized" quirks on me. Cause my quirk was "dangerous" and "needed to be controlled." These were supposed to be illegal to use on anyone, even the most dangerous villain. But of course, people didn't listen and used them on those with "evil" or "villain" quirks (especially certain mutant related quirks).
It kinda makes sense that a hero like my bio mother could get one, but what's 'interesting' is that once I got into middle school, some of the teachers also had them. I don't know where they got them, but whatever. My middle school and high school both used the muzzles and shock collars on me.
When I was in middle school, I was still very cautious and shit. I never fought back, I never started a fight, I never did any of that. But yet anytime someone attacked me, I got punished. They would put the muzzle on me saying something about how I was bad and deserved it and the same thing with the shock collar. But 'luckily' the shock collar was less often used.
In high school is when I started fighting back sometimes. It was still usually only if someone else was being hurt [whether physically or verbally]. When it was just me, I would usually not fight back. Sometimes, I did fight back when it was just against me fully, though.
This is all I'm gonna talk about rn.
- Zuki Shay Lupo (They/it/he)
I'm a bit bored, I should probably work on English class work, but my brain says no, and I have no real control, lol.
Anyways, fictionkin shit, this is gonna be talking about my biological parents as Zuki, so there will be trigger warnings. All of this is just to do with my life as Zuki, I have problems with my parents here, but not as bad.
Tw: hinted at sexual assult not said by name but still, physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, child abuse, bullying, scars, burning/fire, and maybe more? Idk if there's anything to add, let me know.
My bio father as Zuki was a horrible abusive asshole. He was not the first guy to get my bio mother pregnant [as my old sibling is my half-sibling from my mom]. He told my mother that if she just had one kid with him, then he would be "happy" (not his actual words but whatever). So I was the kid that came from this "agreement".
But when I actually got the first part[s] of my quirk at the age of 4, which included wings (which came from my sib's bio father pretty much, it's hard to explain exactly), he was fucking pissed but couldn't do anything cause my mother did what he wanted, she had one kid with him (just not the kid he wanted).
At the age of 7, the other part of my quirk came in. Which is/was essentially the ability to "drop" my body and become a "spirit," I guess you could say. It freaked people out, causing a lot of bullying and shit. Anyways, that just made my bio father [I hate calling him that, but whatever] hate me more.
He was always "aggressive" and abusive, I mean, he didn't get physical to me until I was around 5 or so. I also couldn't actually speak until I was at least 7, and then it was about at a like 2 year old level, basically. Anyways, he got physically abusive towards me when I was like 5, but he was always verbally and emotionally abusive towards me.
When I was like 11, my bio father got put into jail cause my old sib got into UA and told Aizawa about him and shit. I was happy that I was "free" from abuse [I wasn't really, but I was at least free from him].
My bio mother had an alcohol problem and would drink a whole lot. She wasn't really ever physically abusive when I was younger. But after my bio father got put in jail, it actually seemed to get worse with her towards me. Idk why exactly, but I believe it had to do with me kinda looking like my bio father and also my bio mother (she definitely had problems with self image and took it out on me).
My old sib didn't see the abusive side of our mother at all. They were the favorite child, they didn't look as much like our mother, I guess. They had seen only the loving side of our mother, which I knew existed but rarely saw when I was alone with her.
I always had a hard time admitting that my mother was abusive and shit. To me, it was deserved cause I was an unwanted pup that she was forced to have and care for. She still wasn't typically physically abusive.
When I was like 12 or 13, my bio mother left me alone in the house. She had slapped me to the ground before fully leaving as I was quietly "screaming" for her to not leave me. My older sib never knew this. As far as they knew, our mother was just really busy with hero work [I forgot to mention that both of my bio parents were heroes]. The only time our mother would be at the house is if I had called or texted her about my old sibling wanting to see her and shit. Then she would come home and act like everything was fine and that she still lived there and took care of me.
That went on until I was like 15, it was my second year in high school [another reminder that UA is a college and I was 18 in my canon]. My bio mother had been in a bad villain attack and was at the hospital and would never do hero work again and would have to be in the hospital for a while (years). After that happened, my old sib ended up becoming my legal guardian and shit.
My old sib was pretty busy with hero work since they were pretty much just starting out with their hero career. They asked Izuku's mom [Auntie Inko as I called her] to look out for me a lot, as she already was, and because me and Izuku were childhood friends who were re-becoming friends again.
Pretty sure if Auntie Inko had the full ability to support another child legally and shit, she would've adopted me. I was not an easy pup to deal with, though. I was very suspicious of her kindness and would fight her [I bit her a few times cause of being fearful and shit, I really regret that and shit]. I was sure that she would abandon me as well one day, of course this never happened [think of the moment in the movie Bolt where Mittens is talking about how "Penny is fake" that was kind of how I was with Izuku and his mom at first].
Anyways, Auntie Inko ended up basically being my parent until I got adopted by Dadzawa and Papamic.
I'm gonna go into a bit more detail, but not too much detail about my bio father's abuse now.
His quirk gave him wolf claws [not necessarily always out, but he kept them out almost all the time] that were able to use some of the elements (fire, water, etc. I guess) to hurt. It's kinda hard to explain rn, but basically, he could have his claws on fire [I use that example cause it was his favorite].
He would use his "fire claws" on me a lot when he wanted to hurt me. He burned me a lot with them, I had so many scars from him doing this a lot. I had one scar across my face that I got from one of those times that I hid with makeup for a long time. Eventually, I gave up hiding it, and when my friends asked about it, I would say it was old, and I just used to cover it up.
His abuse in this way made me very cautious around fire and shit [so yes I was very cautious and scared when Todoroki first started using his fire but I of course never said anything cause I was not about to discourage his use of his fire]. Fur and feathers don't really go with fire anyway, so yeah.
Idk if there's anything else I want to say but at least for right now, this is good. Sorry for 2 vent(?) posts back to back.
- Zuki Shay Lupo (They/hx/it)
hey. i (disabled trans femme person) need urgent help escaping abuse.
i come to you with some very bad news and a long story, i guess. it's a story of financial abuse and years and year of my life in vain.
snippets of this were things ive talked about before, but theyve been intensifying recently to a point that i can't ignore them anymore. they dont blend into the background anymore. figurateively, im being poisoned, and im feeling it.
look below the cut for further details of what's happening. i wish i could've been more concise, but the ongoing situation is convoluted and its hard to wrap my whole head around it sometimes.
ive had my patreon for around 7 years, now. since the beginning, i wanted it to become sizable and to earn me a living eventually; it never did.
ive also released several games, which, again, didnt earn me a living. ive done a lot of work on projects under nda, which didnt earn me a living either.
none of it came together.
as a result of this, i have spent that past while being strongly supported through donations from people like you on tumblr and discord (thank you ;;) and... from my parents.
the latter is the crux of this. their control over my finances lends them a very strong influence over what i am allowed to do and what im not allowed to do in my life.
as a result of this, they have essentially kept me from pursuing the jobs and the life ive wanted to pursue for the past 7 years. anything i was able to come up with wasn't good enough. game development is an "expensive hobby". "an outcrys" nomination was a "costly adventure that didn't retain value". my art is "sad and depressing, no one wants to see it". video games are "not real, you need a second foot to stand on".
so ive been toiling away, trying to please their whims of what im "supposed to be doing", using precious time i couldve used entering the industry i actually wanted to enter learning skills i didnt want for jobs i didnt want, applying and being denied. for a brief while, between 2020 and 2023, i was allowed to do my game development thing, finally, because of covid and such. that grace period is now over.
they have also been strongly controlling my bodily autonomy as it relates to choices im allowed to make without having to suffer emotional damage from them, which has been paranoia-inducing to say the least.
at this moment, i am at a crossroads.
either, i take on a job that pays whatever my parents think is enough for a living and is the "right kind of job" (with my lack of education outside of artistic fields: close to impossible); or i find a well-paying high-profile job in the video game industry (with my qualifications and the state of the industry: close to impossible); or i enter my country's disability pay system.
i have a disability diagnosis, so this would be within reach. it would also be a good deal more money than my parents are keeping me drowning with. to succeed with my application however, id need to:
close my patreon
stop developing games (not enough resources, mental or financial)
be at the whims of this country's political situation and how it relates to welfare, which is in sharp decline
im asking you all for help choosing none of the above.
i want to be free from their financial influence. i want to be able to instantly send them back their "alimony" and know that they can no longer direct my life according to any whim they may have. i want more time to be allowed to stand on my own two feet without being emotionally hurt and financially controlled - because it is nothing short of killing me.
i've started goal on ko-fi - 6000 $. i need a buffer like that in order to be able to have a bargaining chip in this arrangement, at least for half a year.
i need that money to be able to refuse the money my parents only use to have power over me and my life choices, to be able to consistently emotionally harm me and my prospects to become independent in the way i want to.
thank you for reading. even just talking about this makes me feel a little better. please help, and donate if you are able.
a religion, fandom, etc. is a symbiotic organism. It can still be in the wrong by attacking others or taking more than it gives, but it in the end holds some interest in the group of people that keep it running.
a cult is a parasite that ensures the hosts can’t even move, and makes them feel like only the parasite can understand them, making them not want to move.
not my experience but feel i should boost this PSA.
it feels like the average true crime fan’s perception of a cult involves like. wearing hooded robes and doing sacrifices
Abusive relationships are crazy. I wasted almost 2 years on a girl who would repeatedly abandon, berate, and gaslight me into thinking I was the issue the entire time. I poured all of my time into them, and what I got back was them telling me I was never enough. The last time they abandoned me they established the fact they only wanted to be queer platonic. I accepted it because of the fact that I was utterly desperate for them, and all of them and I wanted that love no matter what form it was. Even when it hurt me when they would say things like, "I would never marry you. I want to meet my soul mate and marry someone else." When everything was all about sex, and how I never provided enough for them. Even on antidepressants that severely lowered my sex drive, there was always complaints on me never being in the mood, and being coerced into indulging in them. Abusive relationships are crazy because I thought I deserved all of this. That I was just a really bad boyfriend, that nobody would ever want anything more than sex with me. They felt so entitled to my love, and yet pushed me away when I tried to give it. Throwing buzzwords at me that they truly didn't know the definition of, which would ultimately be things that they were doing to me. At the end of our """"relationship"""", if you can even call it that- lord knows they hated being labeled as anything but platonic with me- I met a man who genuinely gave me his all and made sure I was safe and loved. I knew any day now that the war would finally be over and that I would be free from their abuse. They had no problem with my new friend until I started showing signs of interest with him, and then all of a sudden I was "just like every other man," and a "player". (Mind you we weren't even really in a relationship with them anymore! As they've established to us many times!). They were so afraid of him telling me to leave them that they hurled insults and harassed me, threatening me with the police and saying I'm a whore and all that. Yeah. And for a long while I believed everything that they said. I believed I deserved everything that they did and said. Abusive relationships are crazy because once you find your true person, you realize how brainwashed you were by your abuser and how horrible they actually were to you. How you can't make any excuses for them anymore. Just one of many men who experienced relationship abuse. I felt so weak compared to them, but I promise you aren't. You're not weak and I know one day you will find your person. My person and I will hit 8 months together very soon, and this relationship has been very healing to me. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Being a male victim of abuse DOES NOT MAKE YOU WEAK. IT MAKES YOU A VICTIM, AND THATS THAT. I love you all, and can only hope for each and every one of your safety.
— written by yours truly
masochist slut at a punk show