Cried on my way to work today
Screaming empowering songs in the car but not feeling them
Yesterday was one of the harder days
I lost you...again
And no matter how many times we’ve already been through this, the pain never lessened
24 hours, from “Hey we should be spending more time together” to “We should end things here, I can’t do this no more”
World? Crushed
Heart? Broken
Again and again and again
Loving you ruins me
But
I
Just
Can’t
Stop
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
I don’t know how we reached the point that your apartment feels like home
Your bed sheets smell like me
There are shirts specifically chosen for me to put on at night when I’m coming over
Your fridge stores my favorite foods
Your shower gel is the one I once left there
I’m laying in your bed right now,
You’re at work already, your alarm always wakes me up first, but I rarely stay awake until you’re out the door
I feel at home here
You’re my home
But we don’t even consider each other dating
We’re just us
Complicated
But nevertheless addicted
I radiate light
I am sunshine
So please stop trying to tell me
That I need you
When I surely know
You always dimmed my light
So others wouldn’t see my glory
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
Happiness over relationships,
forever from now on
~ honestlywhatfor
And again
I am surprised
about how much
a person
can feel like home
even though
they once
made coming home
the worst part about your day
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
Seeing you again was
different than I had anticipated it
It was
Alright
For my soul somehow found peace in the pain that you had left me with
Learning and growing in the process of it
Phases
I’m a full moon now
I like your stars around
But I don’t need you to light up my night
I am the moon
In full beauty
Shining through the darkness
By myself
Like it was always meant to be
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
I don’t miss you
I miss the way we were when we were together
I miss being held
I miss being loved
I miss having a “us”
But not us in particular
Because we were wrong in so many ways
So no, I don’t miss you
I just miss having a you
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
Our story could fill a whole trilogy. But I’d never write it down because some things need to be left unsaid. Now gathering dust in the shelves our lives are made of.
I have drafts of poetry in my phone I won’t ever finish
Words I started writing when times were different
I won’t ever get to finish them because everything turned out different than the thoughts of the past anticipated it
Not better, not worse
But different
So I now have drafts of poetry in my phone that I can’t finish
Because out of all the “what ifs”, fate chose the one I was most scared of
And the words that were written in the past are to delicate to be burdened by destiny’s cruel choices of today
I still peak out the window whenever a car stops in front of our house
Hoping it’s you,
Knowing it’s not.
I’m still learning to get over you,
Because life has more in store for me than waiting for your apology.
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
I realized that it got better when I finally found the courage to put my phone on silent over night for the first time
Not waiting for your usual 3am call anymore, like the ones I always got when we were still together
I’ll realize that I’m even better when I’ll get to sleep trough my first night without waking up, checking whether you called or not
I’m still proud of myself
One day, I’ll be able to be even prouder
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
You couldn’t give me the love I deserved
You hurt me really bad without regretting a single one of your moves
But I’ve learned that that’s okay
You broke me and had fun with it
I’ve grown from it, you’re still stuck
I won
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
It’s your birthday
I’ve feared this day for the past month
This night I woke up 8 times, thinking I forgot to tell you happy birthday as the first person on this special day like I always did, followed by a tight hug and a sweet kiss
Just to remember that you wouldn’t even answer the phone now if you’d see my name on the screen
And I’m hurt
Because I do wish you nothing but the happiest birthday ever, but I know I’m no longer part of it and I would ruin your day by saying hi
Happy birthday my love
May this year bring nothing but brightness to you
And maybe you’ll never quite understand what you did to me
And maybe I’ll have to live with that
And maybe...just maybe,
That will be okay
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
Missing you makes me feel weak
You shouldn’t miss someone who broke you
Someone who took advantage of your kindness
Someone who made you feel worthless, still does
Someone who treats you like an option
Someone who does not care if they hurt you
Someone who never thinks twice
Someone like you
But I still do
Learning to be alone again is a process I’m still stuck in
But deep down I know
Missing you is better than being mistreated by you
So fuck missing someone like you
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
Karma will handle it for me
You keep switching between me and her.
Try thinking about others for once.
We’re humans as well and your behavior towards us is nothing but inhumane.
Go fuck yourself.
Silence.
5 weeks of total silence. Nothing but our friends telling me that you don’t want to see me, telling me about how you turned right around, the second you heard I’d come too and went back home.
I felt stupid. Uncomfortable, since you brought me there first and now I’m the one keeping you away from this place that was once ours.
Sad, angry, desperate for explanation. Why are you acting as if I was the one who messed up. I did nothing but show you love. Making you laugh in moments of sadness, sharing moments of true happiness, bringing you comfort after a busy day at work.
And damn did I try hard.
And damn did it hurt to fall back into reality, losing hold on cloud nine. Free fall. Hitting rock bottom.
Broken, but still looking after you from afar. Now watching her settle on the cloud that was ours, her making you smile.
I’m crying down here watching you two fly high, reaching cloud nine. But as long as I can see your smile, I’ll stay on the cold ground.
Ready to catch you, the moment you might fall.
Yes
I feel stranded
on a lonely island in the middle of nowhere
nothing but the tide
that keeps me alive
day after day
wave after wave
Yes
I feel lost
in space where darkness is everything
stars flying by gifting me wishes
that may never come true
knowing my only wish
will forever be you
Yes
I feel overlooked
in the middle of a field, branches twelve feet high
beetles crawling side by side
fearing getting crushed by them
missing the safety
of your arms around me
Yes
I feel love
wherever I am, no matter the time
it’s stroking my side
there’s no place to hide
it’s my true love for you
I just wish that you knew
Yes
I really do
~honestlywhatfor
I wish I were Heather. That’s not her name but now everyone knows what I mean since Conan Gray explained it to us.
I wish I were her. Not only because she is one of the prettiest human beings I’ve ever seen and not because she is just as nice as an angel and vibes positivity, but because someone told me how you are feeling about her.
“He’s in love with her.” I guess that sentence will reverberate in my mind for quite some time. I still remember feeling the sadness crawling up my throat and stopping me from breathing. Gasping as the pain slowly sunk into my bones. That’s where it’s still sitting right now.
I wish I were her. Not only because she is closer to your age and she has already been friends with the people you hang out with before they even knew me and not because she lives closer to town so you somehow always end up at hers whenever you don’t have a ride home, but because I feel you drifting away from me while you seem to be getting closer to her.
I know you love me. Your brother basically tried to tattoo that onto my forehead because he knows how much I doubt it sometimes and how easy it is for me to put myself down. But I don’t think you know it.
What you know is that your sisters love me. The little one begging the older one to convince you to marry me one day and the older one telling me, smiling and nodding her head, that she can see it as well and she is praying that you won’t fuck it up. You know that.
You know that your brother loves me. Not as much as your ex, but “super fucking close” as he always says. I get it, he’s best friends with her so I totally get it. And I am thankful for your brother because he is the mental support I need whenever I feel stuck with our situation. He’ll tell me you love me, he’ll tell me your family loves me and he’ll tell me that he loves me most. Because he likes the you that you are when I’m around and he thanks me for making you happy again after such a dark time in your life.
And as much as they tell me that you love me I still wish I were her. Because as much as I loved seeing how happy you are with me, the more it breaks my heart to see how your eyes sparkle around her.
I loved building you up and I loved how you helped me to build up myself again, but I guess it’s her turn now. She gets what I built.
That’s why I wish I were her.
...
...
And to add something that fits with Conan Grays song a little bit more: I once took your sweater when you gave me your keys to go get the wine and when I came back and you saw me in your sweater, you said I looked like the smallest bean you’ve ever seen and threw me over your shoulder. We laughed. We were happy...You never gave her your sweater, the one you left me was cotton, not polyester. I still wish I were Heather.
There’s this girl. She just thought of your smile and the way your hand runs through your hair that has gotten way too long again.
And she cuddles up in bed and wishes you would be next to her, snoring, but unintentionally pullin her closer to your chest.
There’s this girl. She remembers every minute you two have spent together and she gets sad whenever you are gone for too long.
And she sits next to her friends who are making fun of her for falling for a guy that isn’t even her type.
There’s this girl. She thinks a lot about her Ex lately, but only because she’s afraid that you might turn out to be the same as him.
And she tells herself that she isn’t in love.
And she keeps repeating that she does not want to be in a relationship with you.
And she is writing about you, hoping it’ll clear her mind.
And she hates remembering every time your friends talk about the girls you’ve had, even since you two have been spending so much time together.
And she keeps telling herself that you two are not in a relationship.
And she acts like she doesn’t care.
And she is trying to look at other guys as well, but somehow it does not work for her the way it seems to do for you.
And she keeps a smile on her face.
And she keeps laughing.
And she keeps coming back to you.
Tere’s this girl. She’s sad, she’s hurting, she’s breaking. But out of habit, she keeps the canvas up.
Don’t keep hurting her. Don’t give her forehead kisses when you’re doing the same to any other girl you’ll meet on the weekends.
Don’t tell her how much she means to you when you’ll go out partying knowing she’ll be home alone waiting for your call that you’ve made it home safe.
Don’t keep hurting her. She does not deserve that. She deserves better. And if you know that there are guys out there that could make her happier than you because they’d make an effort and try, let her go.
Don’t keep that girl for yourself if you’re not planning to think about her smile whenever you need comfort.
There’s this girl. She’s typing this. She’s crying.
She fucked up.
“I don’t love him, but that’s not the problem. The problem is that deep down I know that I could love him, but my body just tells me not to. I know that I would love every little feature of him. His stupid jokes, his deep questions he always sends me right after work, his way of telling me that he likes me, the way he wraps his arms around me and puts his head on my chest like he would like to melt into me, his tickle attacks whenever he notices that my mind is zoned out again, his texts in the middle of the night whenever he’s out with friends asking me whether I’m still awake because he misses my voice and would like to call me but doesn’t want to wake me up, his hand running up and down my spine just out of reflex as soon as I’m next to him, the way he smiles at me when he sees me smiling already and so much more. Oh god believe me I know I could love him with all my heart. What’s wrong with me for not loving him?”
“Give it some time. I’ve never heard you talk about anyone like that before, maybe what you experience is love, real love I mean. Maybe you are just so overwhelmed that your first instinct is to build up a wall, but deep down you know you could love him. Maybe you need to let that wall down to see that you’ve loved him all this time already.”
“But what if not? What if this time I’m the heartbreaker?”
“At least you would know that you’ve tried.”
“I don’t want to know that I’ve tried, I want it to work.”
“Then make it work.”
They are so different, yet I‘ve loved them both. One irascible like a wildfire, the other as calm as falling snowflakes. With one I felt like I could conquer the world, nothing would stop us and still I’ve fallen for a man with whom we would build up a peaceful new world ourselves. Arguments or silence, angry tears or sad ones? “I love you”, they both said but were showing it completely different. Soothing and sweet or loud yet effective? Rebellious or settled? Fire or Ice? Ice or Fire? I don’t see it.
They are so different, yet I’ve loved them both. But one I can say: neither of them loved me right.
I’m laying here, awake. It’s the middle of the night and I don’t know how but I thought I heard your voice and so I woke up. Now I’m laying here, thinking. I don’t even know what it is about you, my heart loves so much. You’re great, but I don’t see why my heart thinks it’s okay to get broken day by day, instead of just letting go. I’m laying here, dreaming. Not of anything that has happened, but of everything that could still occur. Anything good, nothing of the bad stuff has a place in my dreams. At least not in the ones I’m dreaming when I’m awake. I’m awake, thinking and dreaming. I guess you’re asleep not dreaming about anything particular and when you wake up, your mind is clear. Maybe one day you’ll wake up and notice everything I’ve done for you and what you ignorant prick have put me through. But until then, sweet dreams L.
I hate that it’s always me who starts the conversation, it’s always my part to show interest and then you just follow up later. I hate that I have to text you first every time and only then you’ll remember that you wanted to talk to me. I hate that it seems like everyone knows you better than me. I hate that you don’t remember what we talked about even though we both had the best of our times. I hate that your friends don’t get along with mine. I hate that my parents always ask about you and then I realize there is nothing I can tell them about that really matters. I hate that I can’t stop looking at you. I hate that you cant even smile at me when your friends are around. I hate that we only connect when we’re drunk. I hate that I can almost remember every single word you said to me since we met. I hate that I can’t stop thinking about you. I hate that I dream of you every single night. I hate that you’re the first thing I think of when I open my eyes in the morning. I hate that my heart starts beating faster whenever I think of you. I hate that I can’t stop smiling for a week when you are nice to me for once. I hate that you are nice to me sometimes. I hate that you can’t make up your mind. I hate that I don’t get it. I hate that I recognize your voice through hundreds of people speaking. I hate that my favorite color reminds me of you. I hate that your smell will forever be stuck in my mind. I hate that you drive extra safely whenever I’m on the back of your motor circle. I hate that you hurt me over and over again by flirting with other people. I hate that I can’t live a day without the thought of you. I hate that I get rosy cheeks whenever someone mentions your name. I hate that I can’t control my fingers shaking when I type a message into our chat. I hate the way I feel about you. I hate that I’m in love with you. And I hate that there is no sign that you love me too.
don't let me go
if I try to leave
hold on, hold on
or I am gonna fall
just by proving you
I could fly on my own
without your wings
saving me from my
heavy stubbornness
I used to feel so deeply for you but now I am confused about the love that I felt about the love that I lost
I used to feel so strong with my heart dancing in fire it never burned out it never lost its desire
I used to feel so passionate like it was only you and me passionate about us passionate about who we could be
Now I feel nothing of the things that I used to feel I stare into your eyes black holes, just as dead as mine
How could we become these deadly boring people? Weren't we the ones which used to breathe through kisses?
How could we lose all of this and slowly become enemies? we stopped to dance in our light we rather start wars in our shadow
How lovely it would be to go back to the art of passion but we buried it our fallen feeling of desire
It is another kind of heartbreak to realize that I still haven’t found the soul I am searching for in the person, I hoped so much would reflect my perception of perfection after spending so much time searching in empty faces and beliving that this one has a heart that would mirror my own Just to see they are just another empty face in the crowd of lost lovers I got lost in as well Only this time I painted their face so it is easier to pretend and hold onto something that isn’t even there It is so tiring to search without finding or find without keeping because even if they leave it wouldn’t be their missing that would hurt but knowing that nothing has changed I am still on my journey through empty faces until finding the other wanderer who searches for a face in so much emptiness as well
There is a fragile beauty in the way you are gone There is an absurd pleasure in the way you left There is a broken soul who used to find peace with you And there is an empty voice which used to sing your name like a song to the stars
It is funny how things change How your name lies strangely on the tip of my tongue How I absorb every single letter to find the hidden secret to why your name was so familiar once like a soulmate to mine but now fades away with your face and the peace it promised
But I can’t stop I can’t stop repeating your name every night like a goodnight story to scare the ghosts inside my chest and your spirit which stayed and still dances under the moonlight I still scream your name in my head until it feels like you again
Honey, you want to heal? forget the ugly words and the things he did how he blew out the candle and you found yourself lost as the light faded away
Honey, you want to move on? Let go of the past and the “I love you”s you shared Take back the person you gifted the time you shared Take back everything you don’t want him to keep
Honey, you want to live again? Leave the sadness you found after love and start all over again Find love in yourself and the things you enjoyed Make room in your mind by throwing him out Find comfort in being alone
Honey, is that what you want? Healing, moving on and living? Because the truth is, it’s all in your hands but you rather remain in your situation Do you fear that the pain it takes to let it go would be more hurting than the pain you are currently in?
Honey, you won’t heal by rereading and relistening old text messages and voice mails You won’t move on by asking the universe for a call from him You won’t live again by reliving the memories you saved in your mind
You won’t find yourself by searching him
Honey, stop it, Stop procrastinating on the future Stop hurting yourself with the past Don’t throw yourself away It’s your love where you will find yourself again Not his
It’s you where you will gain the power from to heal move on and live again