asdfghjkyouknowwhy

Latest Posts by asdfghjkyouknowwhy

IN 2 WEEK'S YOU'LL FEEL IT

IN 4 WEEK'S YOU'LL SEE IT

IN 8 WEEK'S YOU'LL HEAR IT

KEEP IT UP

—

Stop being

jealous of her

body and do

SOMETHING

about yours

its not even about being skinny. its about control, comfort and hurting myself. its about wanting to be tiny, like the way i never was since i was a child.

losing 20 lbs would fix me

what do you mean I can't control everything, why not

wouldn't wish an ED on my worst enemy cuz what if they get skinny before me

that wasn’t very bmi 15 of you

am i real?

post by : @playingonmydsi <3

I started this blog because I need to get back to the point when I was thin. I was accepted by society when that happened. A lot of good things happened for me.

When I "recovered," society saw me as fat and tossed me aside.

Society doesn't like fat people. So I'll become thin for a better life.

Because I deserve that.

this actually is rewiring my brain as we speak

Just a rant!

In the past week I spent so much money on trashy food it's insane. I have to stop covering my binges by saying "oh I'm just trying to recover, it's alright!". No the fuck it's not. You're ruining your body AND your wallet. Shut up and starve it's not that fucking hard.

Rules to prevent it from going too far

🌹Don’t lower your goal weight. Ever. Don’t forget that it’s enough.

🥀 When your stomach passes the flat point and starts caving in you’ve gone to far and you need to stop that shit.

🌷If you’re passing out at work you need to eat more.

🌺 If it’s too hard to lift normal things such as milk jug, PlayStation, table chairs, you need more calories.

🌸 Don’t work out every day of the week.

🏵️ When you find yourself saying “fuck this” and eating everything in your house, you’re restricting too hard.

🌻 Always drink lots of water throughout the day whether or not you’re fasting.

🌼 Keep in mind that you may gain and loose the same 3 lbs of water or food weight throughout the week and it’s not fat.

💮 If you really feel the need to eat, eat. And don’t feel bad about it.

Please add more 💐

Bringing Your Shadow Out of the Dark

Deep shadow-work does not leave us intact; it is not some neat and tidy process but rather an inherently messy one, as vital and unpredictably alive as birth. The pain it brings up is the pain we’ve been fleeing or suppressing most of our life; the psychoemotional breakdowns it catalyzes are the precursors to hugely relevant breakthroughs; the doors it opens are portals that have shown up year after year in our dreams, awaiting our entry. Such shadow-work not only breaks us down but also breaks us open, turning frozen yesterday into fluid now.

The terms “shadow” and “shadow work” have become increasingly common in psychological, spiritual, and personal growth circles. A significant number of us talk about our particular shadow and its constituent elements, in many cases acknowledging the need to do more about it than just admit that it’s there — hence the notion of “shadow-work.”

What I mean by our “shadow” is whatever in us we’re disconnected from or out of touch with, whatever we’ve denied or disowned in ourselves, whatever we’ve not illuminated or will not illuminate in ourselves, whatever in us we’re keeping out of sight.

So our shadow is that zone of us that’s occupied by what we have not faced or can’t/won’t face about ourselves.

To the extent that our conditioning (especially that originating in our early years) is allowed to run or operate us, it is our shadow. Or put another way, to the extent that our conditioning is kept in the dark, it is our shadow.

When we are both aware of our conditioning and are not letting it drive us or dictate our direction, it cannot at such times be categorized as our shadow. However much we may still have to change our relationship to our conditioning, it’s now out in the open, lit up and held in a grounded awareness.

When we are acting out our shadow material — looking through its eyes and embodying its viewpoint — we usually don’t know we are doing so at the time. For example, we may be righteously condemning another for not listening to us (even though they actually are, but are not agreeing with what we’re saying), not realizing that we have not been listening to them — nor that we generally are a poor listener. In this, we are projecting our own shortcoming onto another with such conviction that we block ourselves from really seeing that we doin fact have such a shortcoming.

(Note: It’s important to remember that just because we are projecting a certain quality onto another — like inconsiderateness — that this doesn’t necessarily mean that they are not being inconsiderate! What matters is that we don’t solely focus on what they are doing, but also focus on what we are doing.)

To know our shadow is to bring it out where we can clearly see it and recognize its detailing, its constituent parts, its modes of operation. And, eventually, its origins.

To get more familiar with our shadow, we can begin with doing our best to answer questions such as the following (however partial our answers might be):

What do I least want others to know about me?

What do I tend to have a disproportionate reaction to?

What qualities of mine do I often feel aversion toward?

What do I most easily project onto others?

Which emotions do I consider to be negative?

Which emotions am I the least comfortable expressing?

Who or what specifically was I trying to get away from in those dreams of mine in which I was trapped or being pursued?

What am I most scared to openly express or share in a relationship?

Don’t worry if you don’t have clear answers for all of these questions. To even attempt to answer them brings you into the domain of your shadow, however slightly. The lighting may be dim and your steps tentative, but at least you are approaching your shadow. The very act of turning toward it is a major step in our evolution, no matter how slight such movement initially may be.

Keep reading

The Construction of the Muse Servitor

I have previously written (at length lol) about the creation of servitors, constructed-familiars, and other what-have-yous, but I wanted to touch on a more specific variety that I don't often see discussed: the muse servitor. 

Given forth by the student, the muse servitor acts as liaison to and inspiration for all things creative or scientific. It is a piece of oneself separated and fed through acts of service, giving back to its creator further insight, passion and — under the right circumstance — dauntless motivation. Are they a necessity? No, far from. But for those creatives and scholars who are, by circumstance, removed from their specialized communities and/or who struggle to motivate themselves toward artistic ends without "external" validation, the muse servitor can fill this void. Their creation can also act as a mental jumpstart on a new project, a new field of study, or be used to reinvigorate passion after a period of stagnation.

The process of creation is relatively simple but can be complicated (non-derogatory) in any number of ways at the student's preference.

To begin, gather: 

An item to embody the muse servitor — could be anything, but association is a powerful tool 

A "house" for said item where offerings will be left — it can be elaborate or not; a box, a jug, a shelf, a cabinet, even a folder on a computer

An initial offering — again, could be anything; it could be your own work (preferred) or an artifact you are utilizing to begin a project or course of study

A catalyst — most often this is the student themselves, but you could channel from almost any source: the moon, the ground, the air, color theory, the concept of relativity, etc.; get as freaky as you want with it

To complete the working:

Hold the item in hand and let your mind work. Channel from whichever medium you prefer, if you have chosen one. Let the thing take shape, applying what you must, see what sticks. You can verbalize your intentions or define the nature of the relationship if you'd like, but it isn't required. Once fully formed (by your own estimate), tie this mental/spiritual concept to the object. Again, you may voice what you are doing if you prefer. And in doing so, so is born the muse servitor: name it and place it in its "home."

Note: For those inclined toward the visual arts, this process can be done by way of practice also. For instance, you might draw, paint, sculpt, etc. a portrait of the servitor. If you have chosen to render it on a scale unbefitting a small "home," you may assign it an area by way of hanging or leaning the work against a wall, placing it on an altar, in a corner, etc. and arranging offerings around it. Writers or poets might use the written word to describe in detail the servitor's appearance and character. These collected pages may be housed as above or, as earlier stated, housed in a desktop folder

Present the initial offering. Verbalize, either mentally or aloud, what it represents. Promise to feed it when you can and ask that, should it begin to hunger, it inspire you to create, to read, to work. If you fail to meet its need, speak that it may go freely to the aether, return to the mind, or be left to its own devices.

Feed it regularly. Develop a rapport. Learn its preferences. Call to it when you need inspiration or guidance.

Et voilà!

The work is done. 

Or just beginning, rather.

I would add that "feeding" the muse servitor can be done differently or by different means beyond the one "assigned." For instance, you can do a portrait, sure, or compose a song, but you could also create a concept board or a playlist. You might also create the muse with the intention of focusing on music, but feed it drawings or readings about quantum theory instead. Work done to completion is only a part of the servitor's purview. The process is important, too. And gathering concepts, exploring alternate modes of doing and expressing, researching. Anything that feeds a well-rounded understanding also feeds the muse. And with it, the muse gives back passion and inspiration enough to continue. To keep going, keep doing, keep searching. "If not for yourself, then for me."

Happy inspiring!

something I do to trigger the “switch”

I go on the treadmill, put some music on OR watch something (super size vs skinny, ed wieiad, ed movies/shows, etc) and walk.. if I’m listening to a playlist then I’ll go on my phone and either scroll on tumblr or go online shopping and add the clothes I want to wear when I reach my gw. Hope this helps somehow 🤍🤍

It’ll get easier. As soon as you start seeing the results. The flat stomach. The thigh gaps. The comfort when sitting down. No more need to hide in big clothes. The easiness will come from being satisfied when you look in the mirror. Everything will be easier. You won’t even have to think about doing it. As soon as you see the results, it gets so easy, like it’s happening on its own.

do it for the stares

the jealous eyes

the attention

the feeling of being light

the feeling of being small

you can always look skinner, look better

Every time you say fuck it, I don’t care and eat.

There’s a 100% chance you’ll care later. Trust

when it’s cold outside i open the window wide open and sit as close to the window as possible. when i am starving AND freezing i feel like the prettiest girl in the world.

what your favorite appetite suppressant? mine is having a crush

Losing weight is hard.

Being fat is hard.

Choose your hard

💋

restocked my mini fridge :)

i wanna lose weight so i can be seen as weird (positive) and not weird (derogatory)

It’s crazy how you can teach your body to be full by eating a toddler size portion and if you eat any more than that you get sick

Skinny fingers, skinny waist, skinny legs in leggings

not finishing food feels like absolute control

Motivational quotes🌸✨

TW: ED, don’t read if you’re recovering.

These are just some phrases that have helped me to stay focused on my goal. My favorite ones are written in bold. enjoy 🙌🏻

Keep reading

i hate eating sugar because then i get hungrier and have urges of binging

You MUST learn to slow down your eating these reasons:

1. You will be able to taste each bite instead of inhaling it.

2. You can savor the quality instead of quantity.

3. You remain in better control.

4. You can detect fullness better when you eat more slowly.

This months choices are next months body.

This months choices are next months body.

This months choices are next months body.

This months choices are next months body.

This months choices are next months body.

This months choices are next months body.

💦thirst💦